Best of Facebook: November 2015

11/1/2015: Click here to see photo on FB

Feeling like a real farmer this morning getting kicked by a cow!
We bought a beautiful Jersey heifer, Willow, who is currently in milk. This is only her second day on our farm and although she is adjusting well and tolerating me milking her she is easily spooked, ornery and stubborn. Sure brings all those bible verses to life where the Lord compares His people Israel to a stubborn heifer! As time goes on I'll get the hang of it and she'll get used to me. And my little helpers sure loved watching mommy milk a cow "like Ms. Ingalls" lol. Praise the Lord for over 2 gallons of fresh milk this morning! :)

11/7/2015: Click here to see photo on FB

"Wow. What made you want to parent a special needs child!?!" Short answer is I didn't. I cried out to God begging Him to choose someone else more patient, more compassionate and more qualified.

"God, some days are so hard already. Some days I feel so burdened. Why have you called me again to this road of adoption? Can't I back out and trust you will find a better parent for her? I don't feel qualified to parent a special needs child, Lord!"

God calmed my stormy spirit and suddenly one quiet thought passed through my mind.

"Have you forgotten that you know not what tomorrow may bring? Tomorrow one of your six healthy children could be involved in a life-threatening accident that could change their abilities and development forever. Tomorrow your womb may be opened to grow a child with severe disabilities. Tomorrow you could be the parent of a special needs child without an option to back out. You know what? You don't have to be qualified. For God is with you and He cares for the orphans. He will be your strength. He will lift your burdens. If you rely on Him alone He will give you rest. This child will not be a cause of burden for you but one of your biggest BLESSING!"

Five months we have parented a sweet and endearing little girl; one month in the hospital, four months in our home and two months as our beloved daughter! This little girl has shown us and brought more joy into our home than we had before she came. We have watched in awe as she has made a huge impact on everyone she comes in contact with. Everyday as I help her fulfill her every daily activity I thank God for this opportunity to love her. Brittney is so easy to love because she gives far more love than she could ever receive! Anybody could have loved Brittney, she is awesome, but I am so thankful God chose us to be the recipients of His great LOVE through her!

11/9/2015: Click here to see photo on FB:

11/15/2015: Click here to see photo on FB:

Operation Christmas Child shopping!

11/22/2015: Click here to see photo on FB:

Today did not start out as a good day. I broke down into uncontrollable sobs as Brian came out to the stable to help me. Our poor cow got mastitis and is not feeling well. The past couple days have already been a fight to milk her and treat her infection (and no milk for us). But today as I was milking her painful udders our sweet dandy-cat jumped on her back and began kneading with her claws! Instantly I had a flailing 1000lb cow knocking into me and jumping over me. Thank God I was able to get out of the way unharmed but the terror of being trapped and trampled was enough to make my screams heard inside and as Brian came out I broke down in tears explaining what had happened.

This past week has been busy busy making crafts for upcoming craft fairs. We have barely kept up on chores, laundry and all the other mundane household-running stuff. So today we spent the day catching up on much needed farm and house chores. It feels like a never ending job which is why it is sometimes so easy to put off since it will only get messy or dirty again.

I had just opened the fridge to make lunch and thought, "goodness we haven't even bought a turkey yet to start the defrosting!" Sigh, add grocery shopping on our long to-do list. I was disrupted by a slamming door, "Mom someone is at our gate." As our unexpected visitor drove in we went out to greet her, she said she was here with a delivery. She said that one of our neighbors is a member of their church and felt so blessed by our kids that their church bought our family two turkeys and a box of goodies for Thanksgiving dinner! How unexpected!

As if that wasn't enough for God to show His great provision in our lives we got a 2nd unexpected visitor tonight dropping off a decorated tree, lights, and a box of Christmas treats for the kids!

After feeling like a failure this morning, ready to give up on this whole farming venture and thinking what a poorly organized mother I am, this was a beautiful and blessed end to the day. As if I could audibly hear, "I love you, you are doing fine," coming from heaven.

11/28/2015: Click here to see photo on FB:

Busy isn't a strong enough word for how this season has felt. Don't get me wrong I am definitely thankful for a season of feeling busy compared to a dull alternative of sitting in a hospital. Yay for busy! With our season of craft fairs and holiday events as well as our normal family and farm stuff we have been holed up at home with non-stop projects. This season is no where near ending either. We have one week until we spend two full days at a Market Days (a local craft fair). As we were buying more beads to make more jewelry my old boss called and asked our family to be on the city's parade float in the annual Winter Festival parade.

I used to work with the city's Special Events office. I loved that job. I seriously got paid to make parade floats. It was just awesome. I loved it! Anyway, so I am now spending every waking moment staring at my sewing machine until I have my crew of seven turned into the cutest elves and reindeer you ever saw!

Oh, and did I tell you I have NO CLUE what I am doing. I don't have a pattern or any experience sewing. I am just winging it and re-doing a lot as I mess up then praying it turns out somewhat looking like I had hoped! I am quite pleased so far!

I'll be able to breath after Saturday. But then we will have a week to play catch up on all the stuff I am not getting done before we head to Orlando. We have four very full days that include a speaking opportunity, a gifted day at Universal Studios, a wedding, visits with friends and a fun reunion! Busy is better than dull! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!!

11/30/2015: Click here to see photo on FB: 

This is our morning spread. Usually from October 1st to December 1st quite a few colds have passed through our house, not to mention the ear infections, sinus infections and the flu! But this year I am so excited to announce that so far we have been sickness-free! I love when the weather begins to become cool and crisp but I also begin to dread the snotty noses, sore throats and coughs it brings with it. With my news feed being filled with mamas posting about their sick babies I wanted to share the secret to our success thus far.

I am so thankful to God for the wisdom of our wellness doctor who instead of selling us the flu shot (which he said has not proven effective) or preparing for us to "need" antibiotics he prescribed that we load up on vitamin C and D to keep our immune system army ready for battle. Taking just a multivitamin doesn't cut it. In most multivitamins the average dose of vitamin C is 40mg and our doctor recommended 1000mg/day. The average dose of vitamin D is 400iu and our doctor recommended 2000-10,000iu/day. Back in August he tested my vitamin D levels and even though I was taking a daily multivitamin I was severely vitamin D deficient.

Twice in the past two months a little one showed signs of a drippy nose starting or said their throat felt a little scratchy. That is when we whip out the Apple Cider Vinegar (the real stuff with the mother) and after 2-3 tablespoons throughout the day (mixed with warm water, honey and cinnamon) any and all signs of a cold coming on were gone! Quote from OrganicAuthority: "While it’s highly acidic, apple cider vinegar actually helps the body to keep pH levels balanced, which can help prevent colds and flu germs from getting cozy in your nose and chest. A properly alkalized body is unappealing to germs.
Most of us tend to run a bit more acidic, thanks to the standard American diet, so it’s no wonder we spend the winter months battling germs." (Google "flu season apple cider vinegar").

Praise God for getting this far without any cold symptoms and praying for at least two more sick free weeks since we are way too busy currently to be down for a minute!

Posted by Shannon

Though You Feel Inadequate, Small or Weak, Do You Trust Me?

"Today I am going to teach you to swim." Daddy says as he kneels down to meet his daughter's eyes.

"Oh daddy!?! But I am afraid I will drown and die for ever and ever if I even try to swim!" His daughter exclaimed as she threw herself into his arms.

"Can you trust me? Can you trust that I will catch you and hold your head above the waves so that you shall not drown and die forever and ever?" The corners of daddy's lips were curling into a smile before he repeated the last of his daughter's dramatic fate.

Daughter spoke softly before her lips grazed his cheek, "Yes daddy. I trust you." After some time had passed and they drove on and on daughter realized she did not recognize the surroundings passing by her window, "Daddy? I thought we would be going to the pool at the community center? Aren't you going to teach me to swim today?"

"Yes, but we aren't going to the pool. We are going to where the rocky ledge meets the ocean." Daddy pronounced without hesitation.

Daughter's imagination exploded as she painstakingly tried to remember this place her father spoke of, "I don't think I have been there before, daddy." Before daddy could answer they had arrived at the aforesaid rocky ledge and daughter's imaginations and fears revealed to be true. Daddy slowly navigated down the rocks and into the angry waters. He beckoned for daughter to come to the cliff's ledge and jump.

Daughter looked down at her daddy's small, distant body below with his arms outstretched toward her but then her gaze was deterred as she caught glimpse of the jagged rocks one upon the other down, down, down where they were met with crashing, thundering waves violently thrashing about. Her daddy was in the midst of it all still calmly beckoning her to come. The daughter's eyes grew wide and her body stiff as fear gripped her every member and her lip began to quiver. "Daddy, I can't." She cried as loud as she could.

"Do you trust me?" Daddy yelled over the ferocious beating of the waves. Daughter trusted her daddy with every ounce of her being. She loved him dearly and would follow him to the ends of the earth. So why this hesitation now? Why the lack of faith in her faithful daddy?Why the lack of trust in her never-promise-breaking father? Daughter quickly swallowed her emotions, informed her fears, closed her eyes and let her body leap off the rocks solid ledge and felt the wind and cool water splashing against her face as she fell down, down, down to the hurling waves below.

Her father beamed proudly as he held his daughter's feather-light body above the water and coached her on breathing, kicking, staying afloat and all things swimming.

Suddenly a gigantic wave ambushed them hiding them both under it's flood of water. Daughter gasped for air struggling for all her might. She finally felt her daddy's hands around her waist, "Daddy!!! I can't! This is too much for me and I thought you were gone."

"Do you trust me? Daughter, even if you don't see me for a time, I am here. I will not leave you."

The light glazed over the clouds in a palate of red, yellow and orange. Before their long drive home daddy and daughter enjoyed the quiet, sparkling sunset. "Daddy, why didn't we just go to the pool where it is safe and fun and where I wouldn't be afraid?"

"Oh Daughter, this was all just a picture to point you to God. One day God, your heavenly Father, may call you to scary and turbulent waters and I want you to obey and trust Him with the same faith that you trust me, your earthly father. I want you to know that when you feel overwhelmed and struggling and when the waves seem to take you under and you can't see Him, He will still be there upholding you with His strong arm. When people see one who is weak and small swimming in these impossible waters they will see and glorify your powerful Father in heaven who is your help! Do not be afraid, dear daughter, for your God will never leave you or forsake you. Swim strong for Him in this life in the same way you swam for me today."

This analogy or parable came to me as I sat in the bathroom late at night this past week, crying out to God to show me what I am to do. I was letting Him know how scared, weak and little I felt. How inadequate and ill-equipped I felt about doing what I felt He was asking me to do. He answered me quickly. I had to jump up and grab a pen and paper as a story poured out and filled a blank page. God was asking me to jump.

Just jump. Think later. Ask later.

But now, just swallow my fear, extend trust, obey His still, small voice and jump. Jump I did.

"Okay God, I trust you to catch me."

An amazing peace came over me and this past weekend. Grace was utterly poured out over me and pumped through my veins! Tough days will come for sure but, for now, for this day, My grace is sufficient for you.

God confirmed so many of the teachings in my heart through our pastor's sermon this past Sunday.

Watch if you want to be encouraged and challenged.

Here is a snippet:
"Serving God is about to become joyful for one woman and painful for another..."I am a bondslave of the Lord," she says, "I am owned by Him, I have no life outside of Him." That's what it means to be a bondslave. Mary is acknowledging that that is her position before God and if this is what God has for me than that is what I will do. His will be done in my... life. She does not question, she does not say, "I'll do it as long as it does not mess up my wedding plans." She doesn't say any of those things.

You have to ask yourself, "Would I still serve God if He did that to my life all of a sudden? If there was some unexpected event that came into my life, would I still be a bondslave of God? Would I still be willing to say, Thy will be done? Or would I hold on to my agenda and say, "No God, I have to think about this one, God. As long as it fits in with my plans, yes, but if it doesn't I am most likely not willing to go along." I fear too many of us would have that perspective. As long as it is what I want. As long as all the circumstances are right. And all the questions are answered then I'll do what you want.

A bondslave does not think like that." -Pastor Rod Bunton

Luke 9:23 "And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me."

And the sermon keeps going and gets better! Set aside an hour and watch it :)

Then just following that amazing sermon our church held a beautiful adoption shower to honor Brittney, who is soon to join our family!

Last Sunday our church, Grace Church, lavished their love and grace on our family through throwing a beautiful shower honoring our upcoming adoption of Brittney! She is already so loved by our church family that we cannot wait for her to join our family! I hope to share more pictures of the adoption shower later in a full blog post. Here is a little snippet of what I shared at the shower while telling more about Brittney and speaking about how God is working in our life through this adoption:

"God has taught us a lot since that initial call in January where I shook with shock, "Lord, You wouldn't call us to parent a special needs child, would you?" I pleaded my case, "Lord, I don't fee worthy of the ones You already placed in our care, how can I rise up to care for one even more needy?" My lips kept our commitment as I uttered, "Yes, we will take her." but my heart raced, my thoughts presented excuse after excuse and my eyes opened the floodgates of worry. I am normal, made of flesh, weak and seeking the path of least resistance. But God had great grace and favor on me and, ever so gently, is teaching me, again, what His great and boundless love looks like.

Love sees past our abilities or disabilities, but sees in us intrinsic value because we are made in the image of our Creator. Love sees past our blemished history, but sees our future hope as adopted heirs to a Father of an extraordinary inheritance. Love see not the challenges too difficult to overcome, but sees a great Savior that has overcome all difficulties and that has lovingly bestowed His perfect strength and grace upon us.

God has turned that initial great fear into greater expectation. I stand here excited to tell you that this little girl is my future daughter. Despite her history of neglect God is writing her story of hope. Despite her languishing as an orphan in fostercare, God has not left her but has brought her a family. And despite her label as "unadoptable" she is wanted and dearly loved. Although, I would never wish another child to ever live through a story like Brittney's I do wish every child in her same plight had someone to rise up and say, "They are wanted and loved by God so we will love them and adopt them as our own!"


Posted by ShannonSoli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone 

Is "All You Need is Love" True in the World of Adoption?

 

Happy National Adoption Month!

Happy National Adoption Day!

When adopting any child other than a newborn infant you are often met with one of two responses. Response one is the I-know-someone-with-experience-but-have-none-myself response, "I knew a person that had a cousin whose brother adopted two older boys and they burnt the house down." Response two is the I-have-absolutely-no-experience-and-don't-know-anyone-who-does-response, "Oh, older adopted kids have problems but all they need is some love and snuggles!" We were met with both of these at the beginning of our adoption journey and neither are true. Well, I don't know if the person's cousin's brother really had their house burned down or not....

When beginning down this path labeled adoption let us be encouraged by the truth, educate ourselves and open our hearts to God for Him to supernaturally equip us through the trips, falls and fires we could not have planned for. Here are three very real facts about adoption:

1. Adoption is only necessary because a child lost the family they were born into. Whether due to their parent's death, an unwanted pregnancy, abandonment, neglect, abuse, or trauma remember that adoption is born in loss. We, as adoptive parents, are on the joyful side, saturated in the joy of growing our family, our children are swimming in the grief of losing theirs. Our compassion for their hurt is often what propels us to want to adopt them in the first place!
2. Children will act out and exhibit hard behaviors due to their struggle to walk through that loss. Think if a stranger came and took you away from your husband, your children, and your friends and dropped you off in another home, "I know you are sad to leave your family but this new family has been waiting and waiting for a new mommy and they are so glad you are here!" Don't you think you would act a little, or maybe a lot, crazy! Let our compassion perservere even when the trials of behaviors hit long and hard.
3. Children struggling with loss, grief, bonding and attachment will need more than just love. Yes, love is a huge key in their healing. The right kind of love. Not always huggy kissy love but a secure love. A love that says I am not going anywhere and there is nothing you can do that would take my love away. You can't steal enough, or lie enough, or run away enough to break my unending love for you. A love that is an action, a choice and a daily fight to put on. Besides an unshakable love these children may need some extra help from loved ones, friends, counselors and therapists. That is okay, because as they say, "it takes a village to raise a child." Don't be afraid to call on your village for help.

I have shared many of our struggles walking through the adoption story God has weaved for us. So many trying times that almost broke me to the point of quitting, of giving up. But hope shines through. Hope is not lost in adoption. There is an amazing event that transpires only through adoption. That is the reflection of what God has done for us. God had such a great compassion for us that "while we were yet sinners Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:8). Then although we are justified, although God has adopted us as His sons and daughters we still sin and behave contrary to His Word (Rom. 7:19). But God's love is unfailing and there is nothing that can pluck us out of His hand (John 10:28). "We love, because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19).


This is our adoption story told through 2 years of previous blog posts or videos:

• January 2012 - Why me, God?
• July 2012 - Our instant family video
• February 2013 - Our valentine's day adoption post and video
• March 2013 - Why we desire to go to the CAFO adoption conference
• May 2013 - Recollection of what we learned at CAFO adoption conference and memories of sending a difficult child away.
• September 2013 - A parable like story of a wicked woman, a king and adoption
• October 2013 - What does the bible say about RAD and attachment issues?
• January 2014 - It is not a good time to adopt again but we are doing it anyway
• February 2014 - I can't handle this thing called adoption anymore
• March 2014 - Adoption and birth order
• March 2014 - Adoption and fostering attachment through fostering pets
• March 2014 - Brian, my husband, didn't want to adopt, he wrote why
• March 2014 - Healing in the Hurt; Putting on love while battling behaviors that stem from attachment issues
• May 2014 - Our 2 year adoption anniversary
• October 2014 - We chose to love our adopted kids best when we love their birth parents

     (Picture: A friend's princess party where the kids dressed up as princesses, knights and....a Croom)

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

Healing in the Hurt (Battling fear, anger and bitterness while parenting RAD)

The depression was overwhelming as I sat huddled in the corner of the shower. The hot water rolling down my face blending in with my tears. I was so tired of feeling nauseous. I was so tired of spending hours with my head resting on the toilet seat, staring at my own vomit. I was out of energy, out of love and had a weight of burden and guilt that seemed it would never be lifted. Anxiety had taken over.

 “Lord, what did I do? Is this not what you asked of me? WHY? Why is this so hard, why do I feel as if I am being punished?" No answer. I cried and cried during this bathroom ritual that had become a weekly event and lasted almost two years. Feel guilty, get nauseous, go to sleep, wake up at 2am, throw up, cry in the shower, try to sleep again at 4am. I worried this would be my story for the rest of my life. 

I knew this was what God called me to do. He called my husband and I to pursue and care for the orphan. I knew it was God’s plan. I chose willingly to become a foster parent, even jumped at the chance like an overzealous servant. I chose to have my home checked constantly by the state, to become a counselor and a help to the bio parents and to become a mom to hurting kids. But I didn’t choose the hurt that would be inflicted on me in the process. I didn’t choose the endless lies, the overwhelming theft or the cunning manipulation. I didn’t choose to have to have the sex talk with a 4 year old or to have to train a child to give affection appropriately. I didn’t choose the many police calls about vandalism, suicide threats and run aways. I didn’t choose the tremendous loss of friends, baby-sitters or family support. I didn’t choose the incessant chatter, the head-spinning questions or the rough language. I didn’t choose the verbal abuse, screaming and hitting yet the fake charm turned on around strangers. I didn’t choose the smell of urine everywhere, the daily hidden soiled underwear, or the mysterious poop smears. I didn’t choose the depression, anxiety, intense stress, guilt or anger. (Click here a blog post with a list of RAD symptoms)

Exhaustion took over my body, my mind and my spirit. I felt tired, worn down, and just plain defeated. My feelings were constantly rubbed raw from being betrayed and cursed by the ones I was trying so desperately to help heal. I needed healing. There was no break from the anger and bitterness that grew rapidly inside me. I confided in no one that I was overcome with anger and could not muster up that distant motherly feeling of love. I was stuck in this shell of an energy deficient body devoid of any love.

What was wrong with me that I couldn’t love these children that I prayed so long for and God, so generously, provided for me to care for.

“If I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:2b-3

I felt like nothing. I felt empty. How do I stir up feelings of love from nothingness? Well, we all know we cannot create anything out of nothing. I prayed to feel love. It never came. But God did begin to teach me what true love was. True love is sacrificing all (your will, your desires, your time, your life) for others, not because they deserve it but, because God says to.


(Click here to go to our facebook page and read my Christian review of Disney's movie Frozen)

Love is not a feeling but a command to act.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” John 13:34 

“This is His commandment, that we believe in the name of His Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as He commanded us.” 1 John 3:23

“ Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” Romans 13:10

“Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 and Proverbs 10:12 

But where does love come from. How can I turn from the angry, worn out, bitter mom I have become into the hugging, joyful, soft-spoken, smiling woman I wish I was? The answer is Jesus. Jesus has taken us in our anger, in our sin and loved us so much He sacrificed all for us. When we are washed in that love, mercy and grace we are renewed and begin to learn to imitate that love toward others.

“In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins…We love, because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:10, 19

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” Galatians 2:20 

“Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.” John 15:9 

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” Ephesians 5:1-2

So we know love is commanded of us. We have the example of perfect love in Jesus. What is missing? What are the steps to muster it up inside myself? Why doesn’t love just come easy for me? Why do I feel Paul’s very words, “I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:14-15).



I had become a Christian in 2009, my whole life, heart and attitude changed. But then in 2011 and 2012 these orphans brought on challenges and trials that tested me, time and time again I was failing. Failing to keep my joy, peace and love during the fire of their behaviors and words. I had faith, I knew Christ, but my faith had not yet been tested and was weak.

“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;” 1 Peter 1:6-7

I had to learn to submit to the beginning of this lifelong refining process (a process God promises will make my faith more precious than gold!) and focus my energy into “putting on love” (Col. 3:14) in all circumstances and sufferings. Jesus began revealing to me through His Word that before I can put on love, I must lay aside something. 

“But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him" Colossians 3:8-11

I began to meditate and memorize Scriptures that directed my path away from anger and bitterness. 

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:29-32

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Philippians 2:3-8

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.” Philippians 2:14-16

“Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:9, 17, 21, and 1 Thessalonians 5:15

Overtime I began to resolve to put off traits that God called evil. I resolved to not let them consume me and to fight DAILY (1 Cor. 15:31) to put on love. But how do I put on love? God gives us three clear steps:

1) "LET THE PEACE OF CHRIST RULE IN YOUR HEARTS, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be THANKFUL." Col. 3:15 (also see John 14:27 and 1 Thess. 5:18)

I wanted to obey the Scripture, “Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful” (John 14:27) but finding peace while a storm raged in my home and in my heart seemed hopeless. 

“I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me. Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction.” Philippians 4:13-14

"Consider it ALL joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

As I learned and read Scripture I found that peace and joy can be and are cultivated in suffering, trials and affliction! I began to practice (and still do) giving thanks to God in everything, even the hardest times, “in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess. 5:18). “Lord, thank you for this child’s xyz behavior, I know this is the testing of my faith, please help me put you on display and show them grace and love in how I respond.”

 2) "LET THE WORD OF CHRIST RICHLY DWELL WITHIN YOU, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with THANKFULNESS in your hearts to God." Col. 3:16 (also see Rom. 10:17 and Eph. 5:19-20)

For the word of Christ to dwell within me I had to actively get it in there, “So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ” (Rom. 10:17). Through the gentle, yet firm, prodding of a wonderful woman that discipled me during this time of struggle I began to set aside time every morning to read and be alone with Jesus. Sometimes I would have to wake up at 5am to find any kind of peace or quiet in our, at the time, chaotic home. With lots of coffee ready I would read, study, pray or just sit quietly listening for God’s still, small voice. Some days was 5 minutes, some days an hour. I began to cherish and seek out that time whenever I could grab it. When I finally quit my job and stayed home full-time I joined a local Precept Bible Study at my church. It is quite a study that teaches and equips women to faithfully dive deep into God's Word!

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Philippians 4:8

“Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:13

Chore time became morning worship choir practice. I stream a playlist of free hymns from youtube in the mornings during daily jurisdictions. The more I studied and listened to the Word of God the more thankfulness and biblical teachings flowed freely out of my mouth when they were needed most, “speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father” (Eph. 5:19-20).

3) "Whatever you do in word or deed, DO ALL IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JESUS, giving THANKS through Him to God the Father." Col. 3:17 (also see Col. 3:23 and 1 Cor. 10:31)

The last thing God did in me was to allow me to give control back over to Him. I was so worried and anxious with these escalating behaviors in my children that they would end up in jail, on drugs or pregnant. I, in fear, wanted to stomp out these behaviors in any way possible to keep them from future pain and consequences. I had taken control of the kids that were on loan from God into my own hands. Jesus owns all. Jesus determines the outcome of my children's hearts regardless of how I parent them. What God requires of me is not to change their behavior, but to glorify Him in my response to their behavior. I had to practice what I preached, “whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Cor. 10:31). 

“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality.” Colossians 3:23-25

Are you where I was? Are you struggling with anxiety, anger, guilt, bitterness, frustration? Struggling with your children, bio or adopted, normal or special needs? Struggling with your husband, your in laws, your parents, a friend?

Know first only God can change hearts so leave that department with Him, put it down, it is too burdensome for you to carry.

Second, did you notice in all three steps to putting on love there is thankfulness, “be THANKFUL,” “singing with THANKFULNESS in your hearts,” and “giving THANKS through Him to God the Father?” Start with this simple goal: to thank God throughout the day for EVERYTHING, even if you don’t see anything to be thankful for in it. “God, I want to be thankful, I don’t know what You are doing and don’t see an end to this trial, but I choose to say thank you.” (Click here for my Thanksgiving Poem)

 “Be anxious for nothing, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6

(Read this post: "Love Does Not Come Naturally" about daily devotionals to help you continue in your pursuit of putting on love!)


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone 

Question: "Thoughts / Advice on Escalated Stealing?"

A Glimpse into My First Experience

With a baby on my hip, another in the cart, my 8 year old with her arms crossed and pouting, and my 5 year old gleefully (an annoyingly) jumping all around me as I check out at the register I peer over my shoulder for my 9 year old boy. He gets up quickly from the candy shelf, they conveniently put at the check out of so many stores, "I was just looking." I smiled and we left. I survived another shopping trip. So I thought. "What are you eating?" I ask in the car as he moves something around in his mouth.

He was a master thief. Cunning, deceptive, straight-faced, the perfect con artist. I would actually be impressed by it if theft wasn't against the law. Even when he stole something right in front of me and I could say, "I saw you just take such and such, please put it back" he would be able to look me in the eye and deny it, even insist so persistently why he couldn't have possibly stolen it that I found myself wanting to believe him....that is, if I hadn't seen it happen. This same insistence of his innocence would make it all the more difficult when theft was assumed but not able to be proven.

This was the first trial that bombarded me during this intense journey down a very long, hard path labeled "habitual theft"!

Theft is an Outward Deed Pointing to an Internal Heart Issue

Habituated theft that becomes as easy as breathing and the manipulation that follows it to avoid consequences is common in children struggling with attachment issues or RAD.

Stealing: (The child will often show up at home with items that belong to others, with unusual or suspicious stories of how they came to obtain these particular items. School is a very common place to FIND these type of items and the parent and school must work closely to help get this problem under control.) from "The Little Prince-Surviving Life with Reactive Attachment Disorder" blog

Theft, Pointless Theft: Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people. from the book "Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice"

The following is the teaching that has helped me most; it is from Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice summarized:

 Fear Motivates Desire

When a child fears loss of something like security he also has a driving desire for security and probably other related objectives such as comfort, control, or possessions. In 1 Samuel, Saul's fear of losing his kingdom drove his desire to kill his faithful servant David. Fear of loss and desire for gain fit hand in hand. Since loss has produced a lack of trust in others then gain has to be self-obtained.

Self-sufficiency

Self-sufficiency affirms selfishness. If the child doesn't depend on others, then neither should they expect anything from him. He is free from responsibility to love them. James speaks to the self-sufficiency of his readers when he says, "You lust and do not have; so you commit murder.... You do not have because you do not ask" (James 4:2). Rather than ask God to grant their desires, his readers determined to obtain what they wanted by their own means.

Hardened Conscience

Whether a conscience becomes calloused or good depends upon the direction to which it is trained. Those "trained in greed" (2 Peter 2:14) trained themselves to ignore or shut off the alarms of conscience when tempted with coveting. Training shapes the conscience.

Habituation

Habituation explains how the lifestyle becomes more extreme and fixed. Through training, habituated thoughts and behaviors become second nature. Romans 7:14-23 teaches that the flesh habituated to evil does it automatically. Desires can also be habituated. Peter describes someone who had "a heart trained in greed" (2 Peter 2:14), which means a heart habituated to wanting more and more. Such a person does not think twice about wrongs that he does.

Hope

The fact that the child has a conscience means there is hope. Even a hardened Judas, calloused enough to betray Jesus, still sensed conviction for his betrayal (Matthew 27:3). The commands of Scripture offer hope. Since Colossians 3:12 commands the putting on of compassion, then that is something that can willfully be done. Re-habituation offers hope. Practicing right behaviors can increase sensitivity to moral rightness. Caution must be applied so that putting on good habits is not taught as behavior modification. That is, in addition to actions, habits of heart desires and thoughts are retrained (Hebrews 5:14) and then bear fruit in actions. God's glory is the goal!

Parenting When Behaviors Never Deserve Praise

A Parent's goal is to glorify God, not to get your child to behave.
God's sovereignty is the foundation of parenting and His glory its highest purpose.

Stewards

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is a commission to a stewardship. Children belong to the Lord. He gives them temporarily to parents to train for His kingdom (Psalm 127:3). This stewardship is a great privilege. You and I, sinful people, are granted participation with God the perfect Creator in the wonderful work of shaping another little sinful person to love Him.

Responsibility

Very simply, we parents are responsible to love God and teach His Word diligently to our children (Deut. 6:7-9). We are responsible to train our children. We must command their obedience and discipline their disobedience (Proverbs 6:20; 13:24; 19:18; 23:13-14). We are responsible to "not provoke our children to anger" (Ephesians 6:4). "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Parents are NOT responsible for a child's response. The Deuteronomy 6 commission says nothing about children's responses, only about parents' obedience.

Compassion

Colossians 3:8-13 says to lay aside anger, malice, and the like. In their place, "put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Compassion is an essential ingredient to mix into the parenting recipe. Compassion prevents a hardening of heart. Someone who approaches with humility, kindness, and patience is not provoking fear and anger (Ephesians 6:4), but is encouraging a sense of safety. Compassion encourages hope. Compassion is NOT permissiveness or blindness. It does not excuse or ignore sin, but truthfully identifies it for correction. Compassion drives discipline. Be immovable about consistent discipline because you love that child too much not to be. Develop compassion by watching Christ. Read the Gospels and watch Jesus teach the ignorant, reason with the stubborn, forgive the repentant, and warn the unrepentant.

 

Patience

Patience is important because the task that you will ask of your child is daunting. For the child to turn to God he must turn from the only thing he trusts--himself. He has to come out of hiding and abandon his refuge, the habits that make him feel safe. Self-preservation is hard to give up. Letting others be in control is frightening. The moment he tries, he feels vulnerable, confused, even terrified. The old ways entice him back because they are easier. Because changing habits is so difficult, you need to view change as a baby-step by baby-step process, strewn with failures.

 

Perseverance

Perseverance is needed when seeming failures and futility strike. You may do everything right, yet your child is implacable. What a challenge parenting is! No wonder God says, "You shall teach them diligently" (Deut. 6:7). God calls parents to persistence. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." Perseverance requires self-discipline. Be consistent; be persistent. At times, you may think that you have no more love to give. Do not believe your feelings. Love is not a feeling, but an action; a matter not of having but of doing (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

 

Hope

Willfully trust in God's sovereignty, wisdom, and goodness. The composition of your family is not an accident. This child is a gift from God for the spiritual welfare of the whole family, that you all might be drawn to Him. You trials also are a gift that God intends for your good (James 1:2-3). Godly hope pursues truth and compassion and trusts God with the results.

Practical Steps That Structured Our Home

I have sinned while parenting. I have wanted to give up. I have parented correctly with no behavior results. I have parented wrongfully with behavior results. I have been on a journey of being the parent God wants me to be and leaving the child's behavior in God's hands. I wish I had read, studied and applied the truths written above in the beginning of my journey. Oh, Linda Rice, why did you not write this book sooner! Buy the book here!

Our success in this area have come with VERY consistent structure. So consistent that the structure and diligence has been habituated in my parenting. Even when not needed providing boundaries and checking them comes as naturally as breathing. I have learned and had much practice in just simply and plainly calling out sin in truth and issuing an already established consequence. Instead of yelling and huffing and puffing about "did you steal this?", "how could you?", "I know you did, don't lie!", "why do you keep doing this?", I can calmly point out, "I found a stolen item, this item is evidence of theft." No argument needed. Consequences may change as the sin progresses but there is always a foreknowledge that a consequence will come if theft continues. Here are some consequences specifically for theft that we personally followed through on:

Pay Back Seven Fold

"Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy himself when he is hungry; But when he is found, he must repay sevenfold; He must give all the substance of his house" (Proverbs 6:30-31). When one of our children stole a bag of chips from the teacher's lunchbag in her desk, that child was then responsible to save up money to buy her 7 bags of chips.

Provide No Excuse

The main thing our children took was food. Mostly from the cabinets at home, but sometimes at school and public stores. We wanted them to know that we understand their need to feel fed due to their past. Although food was not allowed in their rooms, a hungry child could always come to the dining table where two choices of healthy snack or crackers were kept for midnight cravings. At our house these snacks were NEVER eaten or even opened. However evidence was constantly found in the sweets cabinet. Sprinkles or reward M&Ms would be strewn all over the kitchen, all baking ingredients eventually went missing, new peanut butter jars continued to be empty, and any candy gone.

 

Desire Received

After MANY previous instances with one child they were told you will receive what you want if you would only ask. Often a child with attachment issues will REFUSE to verbally ask for help or request a want. The child will obtain what he wants by his own way. That child stole an entire bag of baking chocolate chips and ate a handful before evidence was found. It was explained that we would have loved to give that child what they wanted if only they would ask. Stealing is making your desire known. So instead of enjoying the nutritious meal we were eating for dinner this child was served their choice of food -- chocolate chips. Believe it or not the child never stole food again and began asking for a treat when they felt a craving for something sweet.

 

Protect Others' Belongings

We had a few stolen items (non-food) found and began doing pocket and backpack checks often throughout the day. Any items would be returned quickly before they were hidden in child's room. Eventually the pocket checks became burdensome and the child was told the next item found will result in loss of pocket privileges. Well, that item was a yo-yo I found in the dryer that was not bought or gifted to the child. That instance required no words, just scissors and all the pants in the child's closet. This did not cure the heart that wanted to steal but did provide me some temporary relief of pocket checks.
Eventually those pants were out-grown and larger-sized pants with pockets replaced. The child was warned if these new pockets were used for theft they would have the responsibility to sew every single pocket shut so I wouldn't have to cut them again (I felt really bad when donating the previous pocket-less pants and the unsuspecting new owners would be denied pocket privileges). Unfortunately it is hard to break old habits and when desire tempted theft won. That week was homeschool sewing class. All pockets were to be sewn up properly by Friday if child wanted to participate in Friday Family Movie Night. Pockets are a privilege.

Keep Honest Children Honest

Although we have alarms on our children's doors for different reasons (runaways, destruction of property overnight, preventing any sexual sin they may have been exposed to, etc.) they did come in handy in keeping honest kids honest. If you come out of your room at night just to pee, when I am awakened by the alarm and standing in the hallway to see you coming out of the bathroom, instead of snooping in the pantry, I can praise you for being honest. The alarms were not a discipline but a sin deterrent and a help to us parents to stay consistent in our re-training.

Oh, dear parent, my heart yearns to give you a one-size-fits-all fix. A bandage to take away all hurt, fear, and anger that grows fruit of theft, deceit, and manipulation. But there is hope! With Jesus there is always hope. You will not always handle to situation correctly, free from fleshly anger. You will sin as your child sins. But we find forgiveness, and because we are forgiven, we forgive. Dwell on the good, correct the bad, stay consistent, hold firm, persevere in love and have fun with them while they are still kids!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

What Does the Bible Say About Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD?

I am eating up a book that our pastor gave to us to deal with some very difficult and painful behaviors we have been experiencing since our children came to us. It is Parenting the Difficult Child and offers a biblical perspective to Reactive Attachment Disorder. My children are not officially diagnosed with RAD but when I was desperate one night to figure out my children's behaviors I began googling them and found my behavior searches always led to websites about RAD. We see or have seen all these listed behaviors in some form or fashion in our home over the past two years. All my google searching led me to very hopeless lists of behaviors I would encounter and I couldn't find any Godly counsel on the subject anywhere. The author of the book I am reading, Linda Rice, is excellent at helping her readers understand the whole picture of why these hurting children now hurt others. This is the list of typical RAD behaviors and her addition of "looking at the behaviors through a biblical lens."

This is a list compiled from three different charts in the book (pg. 17-20, 24-28, 29-33): 

Typical RAD Characteristics:

 Sleep Problems
Sleepwalking, Nightmares or Night Terrors, Bedwetting, etc.

 Lack of Eye Contact
Eye contact is excellent only when the child is manipulating or is extremely angry. Otherwise, contact is avoided by averting or rolling the eyes, or by rapid blinking.
Biblical Lens: Averting the eyes can be a fear reaction (Exod. 3:6), a sign of guilt feelings (Ezra 9:6-7), a way to hide desires that the eyes might reveal (Prov. 6:13; 16:30), or a method of manipulation (Prov. 6:25). Perhaps there is an abiding shame from guilt over infractions never rectified. Eye contact communicates awareness of the other person, so lack of eye contact can be a method of alienation, revenge, hurting the other, or conveying disrespect (Ps. 27:9; Prov. 30:17; Isa. 1:15). 

Resists Affection on Parents' Terms
Affectionate touching and hugs are verbally and physically rejected. The child stiffens, pulls away, or turns the face away from a kiss on the cheek. Hugging a RAD baby can be like hugging a board. Gifts are often rejected. Praise and affection do not build reciprocity; he does not unconditionally give affection or gifts to family members.
Biblical Lens: Risk of pain from loss of relationship may be avoided by rejecting present relationships. Refusing to be affectionate can also be a method of revenge or a rejection of authority (Luke 15:28-30; Matt. 23:37; Luke 7:32)

Inappropriately Demanding and Clingy
Although he resists parental affection on the parents' terms, he will, in his own timing, initiate ultra cuddly-sweet, even desperate, hugs.
Biblical Lens: A child's rebellious behavior can induce guilt feelings or at least reap negative consequences. By showing extremely affectionate behaviors, the child can persuade himself that he is not so bad after all, even if the affection is all show and no heart (Luke 6:46). Shows of affection can manipulate attention from others. Demanding love on his terms puts him in control. If authorities do not cooperate, their seeming unkindness becomes the brush from painting them as mean (Luke 7:32). Then he can justify defiance and his demand that giving and receiving affection be on his terms.

Superficially Engaging and Charming
The child presents himself as mannerly, cute, sweet, bubbly, demure, cuddly, adoring, or helpless. He will laugh, hug intensely, rub his cheek on the adult's hand, and even cling to new acquaintance with appealing possessiveness. Shy or bold, RAD children are shrewd analysts of others and calculate precisely how to get whatever response they want.
Biblical Lens: Charm can be a deceitful way of getting something without showing one's true thoughts or desires (Prov. 2:16; 12:2; 29:5; 31:30). Attention received can temporarily dull the ache of loneliness. Fleecing another person can spark a thrill (Prov.9:17). It can also inspire a sense of achievement and/or control. One motivation that is likely not at the base of attention-oriented behaviors (clinging, affection toward strangers, charm) is desire for approval. This child is the card shark, not the circus clown. He wants control, the fleece, the ally, or validation of how mean and inept his authorities are.

Phoniness, Deceitfulness
The unattached child diligently studies people and practices how to con others. He tells others what he thinks they want to hear. He becomes so skilled at an appearance of normalcy that is may be months before a person realizes he has been emotionally duped. The constant phoniness creates a sense of disconnect or remoteness in relationships.
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is similar to that above. Hypocritical love (Rom. 12:9) fakes relationship without commitment; it keeps the other at arm's length. It keeps up appearances while the person also covertly pursues his own agenda. Jesus addressed the phoniness of people's supposed close relationship with God when He said, "Why do you call me Lord, Lord and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46).

 Poor Peer Relationships
The antisocial child is usually a loner even if he appears to be friends with everyone. He tends to play with younger children because peers avoid him and younger children are more easily manipulated. He lacks long-term childhood friends.
Biblical Lens: Any child who is centered on protecting himself, his rights, and his possessions, and on trying to control others, is going to have problems keeping friends (Prov. 13:10; 16:28). A loner is selfish (Prov. 18:1).

Abnormal Speech Patterns
The unattached child speaks not to communicate but to control. A favorite technique is mispronouncing a word so that the adult will correct him. Slurring, mumbling, and nearly inaudible speech keep adults asking "What?" Yet, enunciation is crystal clear during an angry outburst. Giving ambiguous, rather than direct, answers to questions keeps adults probing for information. Other techniques include squeaks, forced laughter, incessant laughter, and incessant chatter. Nonsense question, questions about the obvious, or questions that make others feel awkward are also utilized.
Biblical Lens: Speech and language abnormalities, like persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter (Prov. 10:8, 19), are an easy and effective control method. The book of Proverbs is packed with verses on foolish and manipulative speech.

Learning Problems
RAD children have trouble learning, so they test out at a lower level than their age mates.
Biblical Lens: While some RAD children truly have learning problems, the learning problem of many is simply that they refuse to learn. Quickness to learn what they want belies test results indicative of retardation or learning disabilities. There may be several reasons for the refusal to learn. A child obsessed with safety is too distracted to learn and avoids risk of failure (Matt. 25:24-25). Learning is hard work. An appearance of being stupid can dupe others, possibly inducing teachers and parents to reduce the work load and expect less (Prov. 12:20). Learning situations are opportunities to play control games (Prov. 9:17;10:23; 26:18-19). Some people take delight in showing contempt for knowledge (Prov. 1:22, 25). Whatever the reasons, learning time is wasted and education lost. Then, it can appear that the child is less intelligent when the real problem is refusal to learn (Prov. 1:7; 22).

Abnormal Eating Patterns
Patterns include stealing and hiding food, hoarding and gorging, refusal to eat, and eating strange things.
Biblical Lens: Fear and revenge can motivate stealing and hoarding (Luke 12:18). Eating odd things may stir a sense of control over natural reactions, produce a thrill, or gain attention. 

Theft, Pointless Theft
Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people. 

Destructive to Self, Others, Property, Cruelty to Animals
A RAD child recklessly desregards safety and appears to have no fear of dangerous situations such as cliffs and fire. Tolerance for pain is unusually high. Hurting oneself may be intentional. Hurting others is sport. The RAD child will deliberately be a nuisance, and bully, terrorize, and humiliate others. He underhandedly stirs trouble with others in a way that they are blamed. Vandalism may include anything from adorning the wall with mucous, to punching holes in walls, to arson. Animal cruelty is common. Because the child is so cunning , violent acts are seldom seen or appear to be accidents. If the child is accused, blame is effectively shifted to someone else.
Biblical Lens: Anger commonly leads to destructive behaviors. Revenge motivated Esau to plot to kill Jacob (Gen. 27:41). Fear could be the motive when there is a desire to avoid discovery of a crime. The Pharisees plotted Jesus' death to avoid facing the truth about Him. Cruelty to animals can excite a sense of power (control) or be a convenient and "safe" outlet for anger.  

Preoccupation with Blood, Gore, Fire, Weapons
Depending upon the severity of the disorder, the child will be more or less obsessed with those things associated with evil. Drawings go beyond those of dragons and demons to incorporate blood and gore, and can be frightening. Girls and boys may be overly fascinated with uncouthness, sensuality, and promiscuity at an unusually young age.
Biblical Lens: The child who is afraid will think about what he can use to protect himself (Matt. 12:14; 26:4-5, 59; 27:1-2). The child who is angry plans how to get revenge.

Difficulty Learning from Mistakes
No matter the consequences given by parents and society, the child will continue the behavior. He does not learn from positive or negative reinforcements.
Biblical Lens: Proverbs 27:22 describes the RAD child when it says, "Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him." The foolish accounts that he wants is worth suffering the same consequences repeatedly. Habits are hard to change. 

Poor Impulse Control
A RAD child may speak kindly one moment, viciously the next. He may steal one moments, be generous in the next.
Biblical Lens: Often, when people are feeling afraid or furious, they do not think logically. They react impulsively (Prov. 12:16, 18; 17:14). Lack of self-control becomes a habit. 

Intense Control Battles
The antisocial child works persistently to wrest control of the household away from the parent. He behaves well when he wants something. Otherwise, testing, bossiness, arguments, baiting others, and pushing the limits continue unendingly. Every conversation is a manipulation opportunity. He pretends to not hear, not understand, or to misunderstand. A simple morning greeting might be delayed, dramatized, normal, a deliberate snub, a contemptuous grunt, a glare, a burst of laughter, or an antagonistic "What do you want?" A minute incident may start a control battle that continues unresolved for hours or days. He is as likely to sabotage a fun game as he is to participate.
Biblical Lens: For the child who is afraid, control of others produces a sense of power and invulnerability. For the child who is angry, provocations can achieve revenge. Besides, contest can be fun. That is why people play games and sports. Some people enjoy wrangling over words (2 Tim. 2:14, 16, 23), so Paul warned Timothy to not get caught up in it. Like a coal to fire is a RAD child to strife (Prov. 26:21; 17:19); he is constantly hot to spark a fight for control.

Hypervigilance/Hyperactivity
Hyperactivity, hypervigilance, and anger are common.
Biblical Lens: Someone who feels constantly threatened, who feels driven to maintain control, must be always on the alert. Hypervigilance keeps him attuned to people. For example, feeling threatened, the Pharisees watched Jesus, spied on Him, and tried to trap Him (Matt. 20:19-20). Like a boxer, the hypervigilant person studies others to find weaknesses and stays ready to seize opportunities. 

Chronic Lying, Lies About the Obvious
Lying is highly skilled, chronic, blatant, and sometimes so ridiculous that the child seems unaware of reality. With his hand in the cookie jar, the child will answer, "What jar?" Lying is not reserved only for escape from trouble. It is a lifestyle. The child may lie about the color of the shirt he is wearing or who was at the birthday party, lying when it gains him nothing and when telling the truth would require less effort.
Biblical Lens: Lies ward off punishment and guilt and keep others baffled. The Pharisees lied to themselves, and lied to others by refusing to answer when they did not want to admit to the obvious (Luke 20:1-8). Lying may arise from an abiding sense of guilt. "The wicked flee when no one is pursuing" (Prov. 28:1). Tricking others can also be a thrilling challenge. Whatever the reason, lying becomes an automatic reflex (Hosea 11:12-12:1).

Lack of Remorse, Seeming Lack of Conscience
When confronted with misbehavior, the child rationalizes, minimizes the harm he caused, shows total indifference, offers excuses, or blames the victim. Remorse is shown only to reduce or prevent punishment. He becomes insolent or furious if an authority expects him to admit wrongdoing. His actions are justified. The expectations of the victim and/or the authority are unreasonable.
Biblical Lens: Feelings of remorse are unpleasant, so people avoid them. A feeling of guilt implies a fault or weakness, which produces fear. Some people get angry at the idea of being wrong. The child becomes all the more desperate to rid himself of remorse feelings by justifying his actions. to the person who considers his own survival to be the ultimate value, it seems logaical that self-defensive behaviors must by rightful and good. With this view, the survivalist determines that he deserves what he steals or that he deserves the right of retaliation. People who love control will not care who they hurt to get the things they want (James 4:2-3). They will care more about keeping everyone under their control than about the basic needs of others (Matt. 9:9-13; 15:1-9; Luke 13:14). Examples of hardheartedness and shamelessness are throughout Scripture--Sodom, Esau, Pharaoh, Israel's child sacrifices, the Pharisees. In these examples, people demanded to do what they wanted without responsibility to any authority for it.

Refusal to Request Help
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is not listed in RAD literature. I have added it based upon my own observations only because I think it is an indicator of an underlying attitude essential to the child's alienation. The observation is, an antisocial child obtains what he wants by his own way (through power or manipulation) or else not at all. Just like the angry people described in James 4:2-3, he will suffer loss or pain rather than ask for help, or even for simple wants like a toy or an outing. This trait is easily missed, probably because absence of something is harder to spot than its presence. It takes time for parents to realize how often they think, "I would love to have given him that, if only he would tell me what he would like to have. If only he would ask." It is an important piece of the puzzle because it silently shouts, "I don't need you!" A RAD child appears determined to trust in only himself (Prov. 3:5; 16:25; 28:26).

In summary,
From babyhood RAD children develop a pervasive emotional self-sufficiency. Key characteristics include drive for control, hypervigilance, and lack of conscience. Most criminals or rebellious people usually maintain a loyalty to someone, friend or family. RAD children retain no loyalties and exercise a disregard for, and violation of, other people.
Biblical Lens: Our psychological labels are manmade categorizations. Even though the Bible speaks to every human condition, it would be impertinent to demand that it fits out categories. We must find our solutions in the Bible's categories, not vice versa. What people do and say expresses something about their heart desires. Major themes for a RAD child include self-preservation (selfishness), control, fear and anger, bitterness and brooding, and making emotional rather than rational decisions. Over all, the characteristics fit what the Bible calls an "angry man" (Prov. 29:22). Another pertinent big-picture label that accompanies and facilitates anger might be "he who separates himself" (Prov. 18:1), which we might abbreviate "alienated."  

From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice

If you find yourself dealing with children with attachment disorders or see these behaviors daily and sometimes hourly in your home buy this book! It has been such an encouragement to me and I keep it as a guide to refer back to constantly to point myself and my children to when and how these behaviors and motives played out in the bible and how God handled it. I have been on a short, yet very hard, journey and have changed my way of looking at parenting. For some real posts on RAD, I have two posts that describe some of the behaviors we have met on this journey, see Pursue Me and The Story of a Wicked Woman.

 Glorious Hope of Redemption 

There is hope for the child habituated to fear, anger, and control! Antisocial behaviors can become features of the past! How can that change be effected? It starts with salvation. God promises that when someone agrees that he has sinned and deserves punishment, commits to the truth that Jesus is the Son of God, and repents from self to trust in Christ's redemptive work on the cross, God cleanses him from sin and gives a new heart that desires to please Him (Ezek. 36:25-26; 2 Cor. 5:9). With the new heart comes the ability to renew the mind (Eph. 4:22-24). Through God's Word, the child can learn and believe the truth about his world, himself, and God, and change his desires. The Bible shows how to throw away old tools of controlling the situation and pick up God's tools for handling trouble effectively. He can decide that when fears arise, he will run to God rather than to his own coping strategies (Psalm 18:2; 56:3). When anger boils, he will put on self-control instead (Gal. 5:19-23).  

Change of environment helps a great deal. Parents and counselors can influence him by modeling love and the joy of fellowship with God. They can teach truth and gently challenge or correct misperceptions by a calm, logical application of Scripture. They can patiently provide reward and disciplinary consequences. Prayer is essential. Loving parents can woo a child to choose to change.  

From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice, pages 52-53.

I am no longer parenting for my kids, to give my them the best life they could have or making sure they are changing their behavior, I am now parenting for me, to practice putting on fruits of the Spirit when, not if, I am tempted and tried by behaviors and conform more and more to the image of Jesus Christ alone.

Click here for a blog post on how I found: 

Healing in the Hurt (Battling fear, anger and bitterness while parenting RAD)

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone