This is a list compiled from three different charts in the book (pg. 17-20, 24-28, 29-33):
Typical RAD Characteristics:
Sleep Problems
Sleepwalking, Nightmares or Night Terrors, Bedwetting, etc.
Lack of Eye Contact
Eye contact is excellent only when the child is manipulating or is extremely angry. Otherwise, contact is avoided by averting or rolling the eyes, or by rapid blinking.
Biblical Lens: Averting the eyes can be a fear reaction (Exod. 3:6), a sign of guilt feelings (Ezra 9:6-7), a way to hide desires that the eyes might reveal (Prov. 6:13; 16:30), or a method of manipulation (Prov. 6:25). Perhaps there is an abiding shame from guilt over infractions never rectified. Eye contact communicates awareness of the other person, so lack of eye contact can be a method of alienation, revenge, hurting the other, or conveying disrespect (Ps. 27:9; Prov. 30:17; Isa. 1:15).
Resists Affection on Parents' Terms
Affectionate touching and hugs are verbally and physically rejected. The child stiffens, pulls away, or turns the face away from a kiss on the cheek. Hugging a RAD baby can be like hugging a board. Gifts are often rejected. Praise and affection do not build reciprocity; he does not unconditionally give affection or gifts to family members.
Biblical Lens: Risk of pain from loss of relationship may be avoided by rejecting present relationships. Refusing to be affectionate can also be a method of revenge or a rejection of authority (Luke 15:28-30; Matt. 23:37; Luke 7:32)
Inappropriately Demanding and Clingy
Although he resists parental affection on the parents' terms, he will, in his own timing, initiate ultra cuddly-sweet, even desperate, hugs.
Biblical Lens: A child's rebellious behavior can induce guilt feelings or at least reap negative consequences. By showing extremely affectionate behaviors, the child can persuade himself that he is not so bad after all, even if the affection is all show and no heart (Luke 6:46). Shows of affection can manipulate attention from others. Demanding love on his terms puts him in control. If authorities do not cooperate, their seeming unkindness becomes the brush from painting them as mean (Luke 7:32). Then he can justify defiance and his demand that giving and receiving affection be on his terms.
Superficially Engaging and Charming
The child presents himself as mannerly, cute, sweet, bubbly, demure, cuddly, adoring, or helpless. He will laugh, hug intensely, rub his cheek on the adult's hand, and even cling to new acquaintance with appealing possessiveness. Shy or bold, RAD children are shrewd analysts of others and calculate precisely how to get whatever response they want.
Biblical Lens: Charm can be a deceitful way of getting something without showing one's true thoughts or desires (Prov. 2:16; 12:2; 29:5; 31:30). Attention received can temporarily dull the ache of loneliness. Fleecing another person can spark a thrill (Prov.9:17). It can also inspire a sense of achievement and/or control. One motivation that is likely not at the base of attention-oriented behaviors (clinging, affection toward strangers, charm) is desire for approval. This child is the card shark, not the circus clown. He wants control, the fleece, the ally, or validation of how mean and inept his authorities are.
Phoniness, Deceitfulness
The unattached child diligently studies people and practices how to con others. He tells others what he thinks they want to hear. He becomes so skilled at an appearance of normalcy that is may be months before a person realizes he has been emotionally duped. The constant phoniness creates a sense of disconnect or remoteness in relationships.
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is similar to that above. Hypocritical love (Rom. 12:9) fakes relationship without commitment; it keeps the other at arm's length. It keeps up appearances while the person also covertly pursues his own agenda. Jesus addressed the phoniness of people's supposed close relationship with God when He said, "Why do you call me Lord, Lord and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46).
Poor Peer Relationships
The antisocial child is usually a loner even if he appears to be friends with everyone. He tends to play with younger children because peers avoid him and younger children are more easily manipulated. He lacks long-term childhood friends.
Biblical Lens: Any child who is centered on protecting himself, his rights, and his possessions, and on trying to control others, is going to have problems keeping friends (Prov. 13:10; 16:28). A loner is selfish (Prov. 18:1).
Abnormal Speech Patterns
The unattached child speaks not to communicate but to control. A favorite technique is mispronouncing a word so that the adult will correct him. Slurring, mumbling, and nearly inaudible speech keep adults asking "What?" Yet, enunciation is crystal clear during an angry outburst. Giving ambiguous, rather than direct, answers to questions keeps adults probing for information. Other techniques include squeaks, forced laughter, incessant laughter, and incessant chatter. Nonsense question, questions about the obvious, or questions that make others feel awkward are also utilized.
Biblical Lens: Speech and language abnormalities, like persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter (Prov. 10:8, 19), are an easy and effective control method. The book of Proverbs is packed with verses on foolish and manipulative speech.
Learning Problems
RAD children have trouble learning, so they test out at a lower level than their age mates.
Biblical Lens: While some RAD children truly have learning problems, the learning problem of many is simply that they refuse to learn. Quickness to learn what they want belies test results indicative of retardation or learning disabilities. There may be several reasons for the refusal to learn. A child obsessed with safety is too distracted to learn and avoids risk of failure (Matt. 25:24-25). Learning is hard work. An appearance of being stupid can dupe others, possibly inducing teachers and parents to reduce the work load and expect less (Prov. 12:20). Learning situations are opportunities to play control games (Prov. 9:17;10:23; 26:18-19). Some people take delight in showing contempt for knowledge (Prov. 1:22, 25). Whatever the reasons, learning time is wasted and education lost. Then, it can appear that the child is less intelligent when the real problem is refusal to learn (Prov. 1:7; 22).
Abnormal Eating Patterns
Patterns include stealing and hiding food, hoarding and gorging, refusal to eat, and eating strange things.
Biblical Lens: Fear and revenge can motivate stealing and hoarding (Luke 12:18). Eating odd things may stir a sense of control over natural reactions, produce a thrill, or gain attention.
Theft, Pointless Theft
Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people.
Destructive to Self, Others, Property, Cruelty to Animals
A RAD child recklessly desregards safety and appears to have no fear of dangerous situations such as cliffs and fire. Tolerance for pain is unusually high. Hurting oneself may be intentional. Hurting others is sport. The RAD child will deliberately be a nuisance, and bully, terrorize, and humiliate others. He underhandedly stirs trouble with others in a way that they are blamed. Vandalism may include anything from adorning the wall with mucous, to punching holes in walls, to arson. Animal cruelty is common. Because the child is so cunning , violent acts are seldom seen or appear to be accidents. If the child is accused, blame is effectively shifted to someone else.
Biblical Lens: Anger commonly leads to destructive behaviors. Revenge motivated Esau to plot to kill Jacob (Gen. 27:41). Fear could be the motive when there is a desire to avoid discovery of a crime. The Pharisees plotted Jesus' death to avoid facing the truth about Him. Cruelty to animals can excite a sense of power (control) or be a convenient and "safe" outlet for anger.
Preoccupation with Blood, Gore, Fire, Weapons
Depending upon the severity of the disorder, the child will be more or less obsessed with those things associated with evil. Drawings go beyond those of dragons and demons to incorporate blood and gore, and can be frightening. Girls and boys may be overly fascinated with uncouthness, sensuality, and promiscuity at an unusually young age.
Biblical Lens: The child who is afraid will think about what he can use to protect himself (Matt. 12:14; 26:4-5, 59; 27:1-2). The child who is angry plans how to get revenge.
Difficulty Learning from Mistakes
No matter the consequences given by parents and society, the child will continue the behavior. He does not learn from positive or negative reinforcements.
Biblical Lens: Proverbs 27:22 describes the RAD child when it says, "Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him." The foolish accounts that he wants is worth suffering the same consequences repeatedly. Habits are hard to change.
Poor Impulse Control
A RAD child may speak kindly one moment, viciously the next. He may steal one moments, be generous in the next.
Biblical Lens: Often, when people are feeling afraid or furious, they do not think logically. They react impulsively (Prov. 12:16, 18; 17:14). Lack of self-control becomes a habit.
Intense Control Battles
The antisocial child works persistently to wrest control of the household away from the parent. He behaves well when he wants something. Otherwise, testing, bossiness, arguments, baiting others, and pushing the limits continue unendingly. Every conversation is a manipulation opportunity. He pretends to not hear, not understand, or to misunderstand. A simple morning greeting might be delayed, dramatized, normal, a deliberate snub, a contemptuous grunt, a glare, a burst of laughter, or an antagonistic "What do you want?" A minute incident may start a control battle that continues unresolved for hours or days. He is as likely to sabotage a fun game as he is to participate.
Biblical Lens: For the child who is afraid, control of others produces a sense of power and invulnerability. For the child who is angry, provocations can achieve revenge. Besides, contest can be fun. That is why people play games and sports. Some people enjoy wrangling over words (2 Tim. 2:14, 16, 23), so Paul warned Timothy to not get caught up in it. Like a coal to fire is a RAD child to strife (Prov. 26:21; 17:19); he is constantly hot to spark a fight for control.
Hypervigilance/Hyperactivity
Hyperactivity, hypervigilance, and anger are common.
Biblical Lens: Someone who feels constantly threatened, who feels driven to maintain control, must be always on the alert. Hypervigilance keeps him attuned to people. For example, feeling threatened, the Pharisees watched Jesus, spied on Him, and tried to trap Him (Matt. 20:19-20). Like a boxer, the hypervigilant person studies others to find weaknesses and stays ready to seize opportunities.
Chronic Lying, Lies About the Obvious
Lying is highly skilled, chronic, blatant, and sometimes so ridiculous that the child seems unaware of reality. With his hand in the cookie jar, the child will answer, "What jar?" Lying is not reserved only for escape from trouble. It is a lifestyle. The child may lie about the color of the shirt he is wearing or who was at the birthday party, lying when it gains him nothing and when telling the truth would require less effort.
Biblical Lens: Lies ward off punishment and guilt and keep others baffled. The Pharisees lied to themselves, and lied to others by refusing to answer when they did not want to admit to the obvious (Luke 20:1-8). Lying may arise from an abiding sense of guilt. "The wicked flee when no one is pursuing" (Prov. 28:1). Tricking others can also be a thrilling challenge. Whatever the reason, lying becomes an automatic reflex (Hosea 11:12-12:1).
Lack of Remorse, Seeming Lack of Conscience
When confronted with misbehavior, the child rationalizes, minimizes the harm he caused, shows total indifference, offers excuses, or blames the victim. Remorse is shown only to reduce or prevent punishment. He becomes insolent or furious if an authority expects him to admit wrongdoing. His actions are justified. The expectations of the victim and/or the authority are unreasonable.
Biblical Lens: Feelings of remorse are unpleasant, so people avoid them. A feeling of guilt implies a fault or weakness, which produces fear. Some people get angry at the idea of being wrong. The child becomes all the more desperate to rid himself of remorse feelings by justifying his actions. to the person who considers his own survival to be the ultimate value, it seems logaical that self-defensive behaviors must by rightful and good. With this view, the survivalist determines that he deserves what he steals or that he deserves the right of retaliation. People who love control will not care who they hurt to get the things they want (James 4:2-3). They will care more about keeping everyone under their control than about the basic needs of others (Matt. 9:9-13; 15:1-9; Luke 13:14). Examples of hardheartedness and shamelessness are throughout Scripture--Sodom, Esau, Pharaoh, Israel's child sacrifices, the Pharisees. In these examples, people demanded to do what they wanted without responsibility to any authority for it.
Refusal to Request Help
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is not listed in RAD literature. I have added it based upon my own observations only because I think it is an indicator of an underlying attitude essential to the child's alienation. The observation is, an antisocial child obtains what he wants by his own way (through power or manipulation) or else not at all. Just like the angry people described in James 4:2-3, he will suffer loss or pain rather than ask for help, or even for simple wants like a toy or an outing. This trait is easily missed, probably because absence of something is harder to spot than its presence. It takes time for parents to realize how often they think, "I would love to have given him that, if only he would tell me what he would like to have. If only he would ask." It is an important piece of the puzzle because it silently shouts, "I don't need you!" A RAD child appears determined to trust in only himself (Prov. 3:5; 16:25; 28:26).
In summary,
From babyhood RAD children develop a pervasive emotional self-sufficiency. Key characteristics include drive for control, hypervigilance, and lack of conscience. Most criminals or rebellious people usually maintain a loyalty to someone, friend or family. RAD children retain no loyalties and exercise a disregard for, and violation of, other people.
Biblical Lens: Our psychological labels are manmade categorizations. Even though the Bible speaks to every human condition, it would be impertinent to demand that it fits out categories. We must find our solutions in the Bible's categories, not vice versa. What people do and say expresses something about their heart desires. Major themes for a RAD child include self-preservation (selfishness), control, fear and anger, bitterness and brooding, and making emotional rather than rational decisions. Over all, the characteristics fit what the Bible calls an "angry man" (Prov. 29:22). Another pertinent big-picture label that accompanies and facilitates anger might be "he who separates himself" (Prov. 18:1), which we might abbreviate "alienated."
From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice
If you find yourself dealing with children with attachment disorders or see these behaviors daily and sometimes hourly in your home buy this book! It has been such an encouragement to me and I keep it as a guide to refer back to constantly to point myself and my children to when and how these behaviors and motives played out in the bible and how God handled it. I have been on a short, yet very hard, journey and have changed my way of looking at parenting. For some real posts on RAD, I have two posts that describe some of the behaviors we have met on this journey, see Pursue Me and The Story of a Wicked Woman.
Glorious Hope of Redemption
There is hope for the child habituated to fear, anger, and control! Antisocial behaviors can become features of the past! How can that change be effected? It starts with salvation. God promises that when someone agrees that he has sinned and deserves punishment, commits to the truth that Jesus is the Son of God, and repents from self to trust in Christ's redemptive work on the cross, God cleanses him from sin and gives a new heart that desires to please Him (Ezek. 36:25-26; 2 Cor. 5:9). With the new heart comes the ability to renew the mind (Eph. 4:22-24). Through God's Word, the child can learn and believe the truth about his world, himself, and God, and change his desires. The Bible shows how to throw away old tools of controlling the situation and pick up God's tools for handling trouble effectively. He can decide that when fears arise, he will run to God rather than to his own coping strategies (Psalm 18:2; 56:3). When anger boils, he will put on self-control instead (Gal. 5:19-23).
Change of environment helps a great deal. Parents and counselors can influence him by modeling love and the joy of fellowship with God. They can teach truth and gently challenge or correct misperceptions by a calm, logical application of Scripture. They can patiently provide reward and disciplinary consequences. Prayer is essential. Loving parents can woo a child to choose to change.
From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice, pages 52-53.
I am no longer parenting for my kids, to give my them the best life they could have or making sure they are changing their behavior, I am now parenting for me, to practice putting on fruits of the Spirit when, not if, I am tempted and tried by behaviors and conform more and more to the image of Jesus Christ alone.
Click here for a blog post on how I found:
Healing in the Hurt (Battling fear, anger and bitterness while parenting RAD)
Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone
Without reading the book, I don't have a clear understanding of the premise. We are parenting some adopted kids from hard places as well - so I am thirsty for God ordained guidance. I do, however, question some of this authors premises/conclusions - especially the ones that deal with behaviors that arise out of a feelings of guilt. A child with a history of trauma or abuse background should not be approach as if they are guilty of something. Jesus never did that with His hurting people. He addresses the deep need for healing in all of us - then our behaviors change when the damage is healed. Too often, we are advised that it is biblical to initially deal with the behaviors as God did in the Old Testament, leaving out the example that Jesus gave is with the woman at the well, the prostitute, the bleeding women, the tax collectors, the sinners.
ReplyDeleteChildren from trauma are terrified - their lives have been unsafe and they have learned to adjust, Their brain chemistry is literally out of whack, and until those hurts are healed through love and prayer, real behavior change can't happen. We are looking for solutions for them to change in weeks, when the damage has happened over years.
That being said - I LOVE how you put parenting from the fruits of the spirit. I am copying your end paragraph and pasting it everywhere as a reminder! Thank you!!!
Hi Karen! Your kids are gorgeous! I am not a seasoned mom in any respect, in mom years I am 2. I don't believe I put the author's full picture accurately so I added another book quote to my post above "Glorious Hope of Redemption". In reference to guilt, I think the author is drawing out that, unlike the theories from pyschologists, these kid's are made in God's image and DO have a conscience, therefore when they are lying or stealing or hurting others they do have a deep down guilt or remorse feeling that takes place but due to past hurt they have hardened their conscience (2 Tim. 4:2) due to self-protection.
DeleteI agree that often we are advised to deal with only behaviors when Jesus knew and therefore spoke to the heart, that is where my last paragraph comes in! I am weary of behavior training, it is temporal and unloving. This author is helping me wrap my head around the fact that my kids are no different in heart or behavior than so many loved, yet sinful, bible characters. They sin due to heart motivations and are loved by us and God anyway! After reading your post, "Parenting Like Jesus" I feel you and this author line up more than you think on first glance. Let me list the titles of her "Guidelines for Discipline" in chapter 14: Parent in Obedience, Overcome Evil with Good, Choose Battles Carefully, Study the Child, Plan Ahead, Encourage Pause and Think, Determine to Discipline, Allow Consequences, Deliver Consequences, Choose Suitable Discipline, etc. Thank you for visiting, I am just a weary follower of Jesus trying to learn His ways to parent the blessings He entrusted to me!
Thank you so much for posting this! I am sharing it with my husband and we are going to buy this book!! I have so much been yearning for God's guidance and scriptural support for how I can help this child!! We have recently taken in my nephew and until now I was losing hope and confidence in my ability to help him. So much recently I have asked myself if I've done the right thing taking him in. I worry for my other children in his presence and I have been at such a loss! Please pray for us as we continue this journey in faith!
ReplyDeleteIf this post helped just one person then it was worth the time! I will pray! My heart goes out to you, this is a very difficult path. God is sovereign and He promises to give you the grace and strength you need to endure!
DeleteJust received my copy of this book yesterday! Thanks for the suggestion...I'm dying to crack it open and be challenged, encouraged, and educated. Our first foster kids went home yesterday and I'm trying to take this short break as a time to learn more and study/memorize more scripture. By the way, our (now "x") foster kids and their bio mom are coming to church with us tomorrow!!! God be praised!
ReplyDelete* also had a friend loan me "Shepherding a child's heart" (your suggestion) and I'll also be reading "the faithful parent" by Martha peace and Stuart Scott as well as "creative family times" by Hadidian & Wilson (great ideas!)
Thanks Shannon!
I will have to check out Tha Faithful Parent and Creative Family Times! You are such a testimony to God's goodness when we follow Him!
DeleteHello! I am a sort of "Child Protective Services Case Worker for God" if you will, and I am at the moment caring for several young boys and men all who were subjected to a mentally ill mother who sexually abused them, profoundly neglected them, and also spiritually abused them by teaching them that God was not answering their cries for help because he was far too busy with "real problems" to deal with their lies, deceit, evil, demonic actions. I would have believed them anyway as my heart is One with God and I know a profound truth: People can invent memories...people can lie about things and will do so to hide terrible things from the light...but people cannot invent wounds. Wound invention...particularly the wounds which fester and grow in the presence of privation (please look that word up, it's important and germane to this discussion) and in the absence of another's love...cannot be faked. There is no way for my boys to cause themselves to turn 'dark' and sweat clammy cold sweats in the middle of the night. There is no way for a child in my care to begin to scream at the thought of going into a public restroom in _any_ way which would be convincing if it were not _real_.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE God with all my heart. I *must* tell you that I have after many a year with children who have suffered profound abuses come to the conclusion (and God HELPED me come to this conclusion) that Jesus simply did not walk this walk... He walked nearly every path, and he was the messiah and is the son of God, and yet...these sorrows shall not be addressed in that book. I say that with profound Love in my heart for you. I also know that what happened for me when I finally put down that great book, the sincere and every waking moment of deepening, strengthening, sharpening, focusing and honing into an instrument of gravity, of enrichment of my relationship with God without renouncing Jesus (I am not a Jew, nor a metaphysical mumbojumbologist) allowed God to begin to be with me, truly in an entirely new way. He wanted me to forgive him and forgive Jesus for not having addressed these Darknesses in that book, but there was no way to include it in a way that people would understand and still be able to see the simplicity and light of Jesus' Love. When we take on the task of love at our fingertips, we embrace God in a way that is a terrible, frightening, and sometimes even sinister-feeling "Dark Night of The Soul" for we must know...KNOW that these atrocities ...the tumult they cause, the traumas of children's hearts...DO occur far more often than we would ever wish to know. And when they occur, your ideas of 'guilt' (as set forth in Timothy) are so well-meant, I know in my heart you are deeply good and loving...
DeleteI mean this to **hopefully** help. The child cannot feel guilt for these actions because the child has no choice, or if any choice is present, it's alternative is so distasteful to the child that the child simply CANNOT do _anything_ other than what they are doing???their present behavior is "Double-Bound" in truly life-ending alternatives on either side. A child who has been traumatized cannot be viewed through a biblical lens because God wants you to raise your head from that book and look him in the eye and say "FINE! SCREW YOU FOR WRITING THIS BOOK AND MAKING EVERYBODY TELL ME TO READ IT TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS, THEN!!!!" (At least that was MY first truly honest statement to him in my life to that point. LOL) but these kids, they can't suffer anymore being whipped with that book or with the pure love of Jesus _as_a_weapon_ ... they can't take that. Answer a lack of someone else's love not with a removal of yours, not with false courage found in Jesus' words not meant for this problem...answer it with steadfastness. Answer it with unwavering Love. Answer it with "I Will Not Leave Your Side" or "You cannot make Me Abandon You, No Matter What." and back that up. The only verse that comes close to how this kind of Love may feel for you at times are the scant few verses which deal with how God felt when he watched us murder his Son. That's the only place. It is. These children of ours are stuck. They cannot do anything else for anything else just gets them more trauma, and you're going to leave anyway, you prove it to them every time you use an inanimate object, or the words of a man from two thousand years ago to try to speak to them, and they can't hear you at all.
DeleteThank you for your thoughts and opinions. I politely disagree and do believe that God's Word is living and active and can help us through any trial we may face. Our love for our kids is absolutely unwavering and steadfast, the same way God loves us and has taught us to love!
DeleteI love how you ended your post. I think we would all do well to do that. Parenting 1 RAD child is hard. I can't imagine parenting more than one. Mom's suffer lots of trauma from the abuse. I for one know that it is a hard piece of luggage to drag along.
ReplyDeleteSecondary PTSD in mamas is real for sure. Jesus can heal our scars too!
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ReplyDeleteI was just wondering how your parenting journey is going now. We have 9 adopted kids. Several of them are RAD. At home now, we have an 8-year-old boy who is RAD. I love him with all of my heart and soul and he is trying my limits. You would think that 30 years of parenting experience would help and maybe it does but my deepest prayer is that God will do a work in this boy's heart and life and my greatest fear is that my parenting will preclude that.
ReplyDeleteSince writing this post we have adopted a 6th child from an adoption disruption who was diagnosed with RAD and a 7th child with profound special needs. The healing before our eyes has been amazing. Despite my ongoing mistakes, Jesus has been faithful to answer our prayers, give us patience daily and win our children's hearts. We got a mental health evaluation on all of our kids and the licensed counselor said she couldn't find any signs of RAD, PTSD, ODD or ADHD in our previously diagnosed children. If you are sticking in there then you are doing good!
DeleteBed wetting is a very embarrassing problem, my son was suffering from it up to the age of eighteen i have given him different medication, but no solution,
ReplyDeletethen i got herbal medication which i used on him, now he can sleep all night with out bed wetting,any body with such problem can contact him on phillips1211@yahoo.com
I have always had a heart for foster and adopted children. I am writing a Christian Historical fiction book about children that have RAD and if they had it in the 1800 i have been following you in the last two years and seen this book you recommended i got it and i got it at my library. it's so good, it has help me a lot with my book. thanks for doing a review in it.
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed reading this! For the past 4 years I have worked with families that are directly affected by RAD. We host camps, and teach both the parents and kids techniques on overcoming this, but all our staff agrees the ultimate healing comes from Christ, so these verses were a breath of fresh air. Good luck to you all on your journey to healing.
ReplyDelete