Question: "Thoughts / Advice on Escalated Stealing?"

A Glimpse into My First Experience

With a baby on my hip, another in the cart, my 8 year old with her arms crossed and pouting, and my 5 year old gleefully (an annoyingly) jumping all around me as I check out at the register I peer over my shoulder for my 9 year old boy. He gets up quickly from the candy shelf, they conveniently put at the check out of so many stores, "I was just looking." I smiled and we left. I survived another shopping trip. So I thought. "What are you eating?" I ask in the car as he moves something around in his mouth.

He was a master thief. Cunning, deceptive, straight-faced, the perfect con artist. I would actually be impressed by it if theft wasn't against the law. Even when he stole something right in front of me and I could say, "I saw you just take such and such, please put it back" he would be able to look me in the eye and deny it, even insist so persistently why he couldn't have possibly stolen it that I found myself wanting to believe him....that is, if I hadn't seen it happen. This same insistence of his innocence would make it all the more difficult when theft was assumed but not able to be proven.

This was the first trial that bombarded me during this intense journey down a very long, hard path labeled "habitual theft"!

Theft is an Outward Deed Pointing to an Internal Heart Issue

Habituated theft that becomes as easy as breathing and the manipulation that follows it to avoid consequences is common in children struggling with attachment issues or RAD.

Stealing: (The child will often show up at home with items that belong to others, with unusual or suspicious stories of how they came to obtain these particular items. School is a very common place to FIND these type of items and the parent and school must work closely to help get this problem under control.) from "The Little Prince-Surviving Life with Reactive Attachment Disorder" blog

Theft, Pointless Theft: Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people. from the book "Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice"

The following is the teaching that has helped me most; it is from Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice summarized:

 Fear Motivates Desire

When a child fears loss of something like security he also has a driving desire for security and probably other related objectives such as comfort, control, or possessions. In 1 Samuel, Saul's fear of losing his kingdom drove his desire to kill his faithful servant David. Fear of loss and desire for gain fit hand in hand. Since loss has produced a lack of trust in others then gain has to be self-obtained.

Self-sufficiency

Self-sufficiency affirms selfishness. If the child doesn't depend on others, then neither should they expect anything from him. He is free from responsibility to love them. James speaks to the self-sufficiency of his readers when he says, "You lust and do not have; so you commit murder.... You do not have because you do not ask" (James 4:2). Rather than ask God to grant their desires, his readers determined to obtain what they wanted by their own means.

Hardened Conscience

Whether a conscience becomes calloused or good depends upon the direction to which it is trained. Those "trained in greed" (2 Peter 2:14) trained themselves to ignore or shut off the alarms of conscience when tempted with coveting. Training shapes the conscience.

Habituation

Habituation explains how the lifestyle becomes more extreme and fixed. Through training, habituated thoughts and behaviors become second nature. Romans 7:14-23 teaches that the flesh habituated to evil does it automatically. Desires can also be habituated. Peter describes someone who had "a heart trained in greed" (2 Peter 2:14), which means a heart habituated to wanting more and more. Such a person does not think twice about wrongs that he does.

Hope

The fact that the child has a conscience means there is hope. Even a hardened Judas, calloused enough to betray Jesus, still sensed conviction for his betrayal (Matthew 27:3). The commands of Scripture offer hope. Since Colossians 3:12 commands the putting on of compassion, then that is something that can willfully be done. Re-habituation offers hope. Practicing right behaviors can increase sensitivity to moral rightness. Caution must be applied so that putting on good habits is not taught as behavior modification. That is, in addition to actions, habits of heart desires and thoughts are retrained (Hebrews 5:14) and then bear fruit in actions. God's glory is the goal!

Parenting When Behaviors Never Deserve Praise

A Parent's goal is to glorify God, not to get your child to behave.
God's sovereignty is the foundation of parenting and His glory its highest purpose.

Stewards

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is a commission to a stewardship. Children belong to the Lord. He gives them temporarily to parents to train for His kingdom (Psalm 127:3). This stewardship is a great privilege. You and I, sinful people, are granted participation with God the perfect Creator in the wonderful work of shaping another little sinful person to love Him.

Responsibility

Very simply, we parents are responsible to love God and teach His Word diligently to our children (Deut. 6:7-9). We are responsible to train our children. We must command their obedience and discipline their disobedience (Proverbs 6:20; 13:24; 19:18; 23:13-14). We are responsible to "not provoke our children to anger" (Ephesians 6:4). "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Parents are NOT responsible for a child's response. The Deuteronomy 6 commission says nothing about children's responses, only about parents' obedience.

Compassion

Colossians 3:8-13 says to lay aside anger, malice, and the like. In their place, "put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Compassion is an essential ingredient to mix into the parenting recipe. Compassion prevents a hardening of heart. Someone who approaches with humility, kindness, and patience is not provoking fear and anger (Ephesians 6:4), but is encouraging a sense of safety. Compassion encourages hope. Compassion is NOT permissiveness or blindness. It does not excuse or ignore sin, but truthfully identifies it for correction. Compassion drives discipline. Be immovable about consistent discipline because you love that child too much not to be. Develop compassion by watching Christ. Read the Gospels and watch Jesus teach the ignorant, reason with the stubborn, forgive the repentant, and warn the unrepentant.

 

Patience

Patience is important because the task that you will ask of your child is daunting. For the child to turn to God he must turn from the only thing he trusts--himself. He has to come out of hiding and abandon his refuge, the habits that make him feel safe. Self-preservation is hard to give up. Letting others be in control is frightening. The moment he tries, he feels vulnerable, confused, even terrified. The old ways entice him back because they are easier. Because changing habits is so difficult, you need to view change as a baby-step by baby-step process, strewn with failures.

 

Perseverance

Perseverance is needed when seeming failures and futility strike. You may do everything right, yet your child is implacable. What a challenge parenting is! No wonder God says, "You shall teach them diligently" (Deut. 6:7). God calls parents to persistence. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." Perseverance requires self-discipline. Be consistent; be persistent. At times, you may think that you have no more love to give. Do not believe your feelings. Love is not a feeling, but an action; a matter not of having but of doing (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

 

Hope

Willfully trust in God's sovereignty, wisdom, and goodness. The composition of your family is not an accident. This child is a gift from God for the spiritual welfare of the whole family, that you all might be drawn to Him. You trials also are a gift that God intends for your good (James 1:2-3). Godly hope pursues truth and compassion and trusts God with the results.

Practical Steps That Structured Our Home

I have sinned while parenting. I have wanted to give up. I have parented correctly with no behavior results. I have parented wrongfully with behavior results. I have been on a journey of being the parent God wants me to be and leaving the child's behavior in God's hands. I wish I had read, studied and applied the truths written above in the beginning of my journey. Oh, Linda Rice, why did you not write this book sooner! Buy the book here!

Our success in this area have come with VERY consistent structure. So consistent that the structure and diligence has been habituated in my parenting. Even when not needed providing boundaries and checking them comes as naturally as breathing. I have learned and had much practice in just simply and plainly calling out sin in truth and issuing an already established consequence. Instead of yelling and huffing and puffing about "did you steal this?", "how could you?", "I know you did, don't lie!", "why do you keep doing this?", I can calmly point out, "I found a stolen item, this item is evidence of theft." No argument needed. Consequences may change as the sin progresses but there is always a foreknowledge that a consequence will come if theft continues. Here are some consequences specifically for theft that we personally followed through on:

Pay Back Seven Fold

"Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy himself when he is hungry; But when he is found, he must repay sevenfold; He must give all the substance of his house" (Proverbs 6:30-31). When one of our children stole a bag of chips from the teacher's lunchbag in her desk, that child was then responsible to save up money to buy her 7 bags of chips.

Provide No Excuse

The main thing our children took was food. Mostly from the cabinets at home, but sometimes at school and public stores. We wanted them to know that we understand their need to feel fed due to their past. Although food was not allowed in their rooms, a hungry child could always come to the dining table where two choices of healthy snack or crackers were kept for midnight cravings. At our house these snacks were NEVER eaten or even opened. However evidence was constantly found in the sweets cabinet. Sprinkles or reward M&Ms would be strewn all over the kitchen, all baking ingredients eventually went missing, new peanut butter jars continued to be empty, and any candy gone.

 

Desire Received

After MANY previous instances with one child they were told you will receive what you want if you would only ask. Often a child with attachment issues will REFUSE to verbally ask for help or request a want. The child will obtain what he wants by his own way. That child stole an entire bag of baking chocolate chips and ate a handful before evidence was found. It was explained that we would have loved to give that child what they wanted if only they would ask. Stealing is making your desire known. So instead of enjoying the nutritious meal we were eating for dinner this child was served their choice of food -- chocolate chips. Believe it or not the child never stole food again and began asking for a treat when they felt a craving for something sweet.

 

Protect Others' Belongings

We had a few stolen items (non-food) found and began doing pocket and backpack checks often throughout the day. Any items would be returned quickly before they were hidden in child's room. Eventually the pocket checks became burdensome and the child was told the next item found will result in loss of pocket privileges. Well, that item was a yo-yo I found in the dryer that was not bought or gifted to the child. That instance required no words, just scissors and all the pants in the child's closet. This did not cure the heart that wanted to steal but did provide me some temporary relief of pocket checks.
Eventually those pants were out-grown and larger-sized pants with pockets replaced. The child was warned if these new pockets were used for theft they would have the responsibility to sew every single pocket shut so I wouldn't have to cut them again (I felt really bad when donating the previous pocket-less pants and the unsuspecting new owners would be denied pocket privileges). Unfortunately it is hard to break old habits and when desire tempted theft won. That week was homeschool sewing class. All pockets were to be sewn up properly by Friday if child wanted to participate in Friday Family Movie Night. Pockets are a privilege.

Keep Honest Children Honest

Although we have alarms on our children's doors for different reasons (runaways, destruction of property overnight, preventing any sexual sin they may have been exposed to, etc.) they did come in handy in keeping honest kids honest. If you come out of your room at night just to pee, when I am awakened by the alarm and standing in the hallway to see you coming out of the bathroom, instead of snooping in the pantry, I can praise you for being honest. The alarms were not a discipline but a sin deterrent and a help to us parents to stay consistent in our re-training.

Oh, dear parent, my heart yearns to give you a one-size-fits-all fix. A bandage to take away all hurt, fear, and anger that grows fruit of theft, deceit, and manipulation. But there is hope! With Jesus there is always hope. You will not always handle to situation correctly, free from fleshly anger. You will sin as your child sins. But we find forgiveness, and because we are forgiven, we forgive. Dwell on the good, correct the bad, stay consistent, hold firm, persevere in love and have fun with them while they are still kids!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

What Does the Bible Say About Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD?

I am eating up a book that our pastor gave to us to deal with some very difficult and painful behaviors we have been experiencing since our children came to us. It is Parenting the Difficult Child and offers a biblical perspective to Reactive Attachment Disorder. My children are not officially diagnosed with RAD but when I was desperate one night to figure out my children's behaviors I began googling them and found my behavior searches always led to websites about RAD. We see or have seen all these listed behaviors in some form or fashion in our home over the past two years. All my google searching led me to very hopeless lists of behaviors I would encounter and I couldn't find any Godly counsel on the subject anywhere. The author of the book I am reading, Linda Rice, is excellent at helping her readers understand the whole picture of why these hurting children now hurt others. This is the list of typical RAD behaviors and her addition of "looking at the behaviors through a biblical lens."

This is a list compiled from three different charts in the book (pg. 17-20, 24-28, 29-33): 

Typical RAD Characteristics:

 Sleep Problems
Sleepwalking, Nightmares or Night Terrors, Bedwetting, etc.

 Lack of Eye Contact
Eye contact is excellent only when the child is manipulating or is extremely angry. Otherwise, contact is avoided by averting or rolling the eyes, or by rapid blinking.
Biblical Lens: Averting the eyes can be a fear reaction (Exod. 3:6), a sign of guilt feelings (Ezra 9:6-7), a way to hide desires that the eyes might reveal (Prov. 6:13; 16:30), or a method of manipulation (Prov. 6:25). Perhaps there is an abiding shame from guilt over infractions never rectified. Eye contact communicates awareness of the other person, so lack of eye contact can be a method of alienation, revenge, hurting the other, or conveying disrespect (Ps. 27:9; Prov. 30:17; Isa. 1:15). 

Resists Affection on Parents' Terms
Affectionate touching and hugs are verbally and physically rejected. The child stiffens, pulls away, or turns the face away from a kiss on the cheek. Hugging a RAD baby can be like hugging a board. Gifts are often rejected. Praise and affection do not build reciprocity; he does not unconditionally give affection or gifts to family members.
Biblical Lens: Risk of pain from loss of relationship may be avoided by rejecting present relationships. Refusing to be affectionate can also be a method of revenge or a rejection of authority (Luke 15:28-30; Matt. 23:37; Luke 7:32)

Inappropriately Demanding and Clingy
Although he resists parental affection on the parents' terms, he will, in his own timing, initiate ultra cuddly-sweet, even desperate, hugs.
Biblical Lens: A child's rebellious behavior can induce guilt feelings or at least reap negative consequences. By showing extremely affectionate behaviors, the child can persuade himself that he is not so bad after all, even if the affection is all show and no heart (Luke 6:46). Shows of affection can manipulate attention from others. Demanding love on his terms puts him in control. If authorities do not cooperate, their seeming unkindness becomes the brush from painting them as mean (Luke 7:32). Then he can justify defiance and his demand that giving and receiving affection be on his terms.

Superficially Engaging and Charming
The child presents himself as mannerly, cute, sweet, bubbly, demure, cuddly, adoring, or helpless. He will laugh, hug intensely, rub his cheek on the adult's hand, and even cling to new acquaintance with appealing possessiveness. Shy or bold, RAD children are shrewd analysts of others and calculate precisely how to get whatever response they want.
Biblical Lens: Charm can be a deceitful way of getting something without showing one's true thoughts or desires (Prov. 2:16; 12:2; 29:5; 31:30). Attention received can temporarily dull the ache of loneliness. Fleecing another person can spark a thrill (Prov.9:17). It can also inspire a sense of achievement and/or control. One motivation that is likely not at the base of attention-oriented behaviors (clinging, affection toward strangers, charm) is desire for approval. This child is the card shark, not the circus clown. He wants control, the fleece, the ally, or validation of how mean and inept his authorities are.

Phoniness, Deceitfulness
The unattached child diligently studies people and practices how to con others. He tells others what he thinks they want to hear. He becomes so skilled at an appearance of normalcy that is may be months before a person realizes he has been emotionally duped. The constant phoniness creates a sense of disconnect or remoteness in relationships.
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is similar to that above. Hypocritical love (Rom. 12:9) fakes relationship without commitment; it keeps the other at arm's length. It keeps up appearances while the person also covertly pursues his own agenda. Jesus addressed the phoniness of people's supposed close relationship with God when He said, "Why do you call me Lord, Lord and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46).

 Poor Peer Relationships
The antisocial child is usually a loner even if he appears to be friends with everyone. He tends to play with younger children because peers avoid him and younger children are more easily manipulated. He lacks long-term childhood friends.
Biblical Lens: Any child who is centered on protecting himself, his rights, and his possessions, and on trying to control others, is going to have problems keeping friends (Prov. 13:10; 16:28). A loner is selfish (Prov. 18:1).

Abnormal Speech Patterns
The unattached child speaks not to communicate but to control. A favorite technique is mispronouncing a word so that the adult will correct him. Slurring, mumbling, and nearly inaudible speech keep adults asking "What?" Yet, enunciation is crystal clear during an angry outburst. Giving ambiguous, rather than direct, answers to questions keeps adults probing for information. Other techniques include squeaks, forced laughter, incessant laughter, and incessant chatter. Nonsense question, questions about the obvious, or questions that make others feel awkward are also utilized.
Biblical Lens: Speech and language abnormalities, like persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter (Prov. 10:8, 19), are an easy and effective control method. The book of Proverbs is packed with verses on foolish and manipulative speech.

Learning Problems
RAD children have trouble learning, so they test out at a lower level than their age mates.
Biblical Lens: While some RAD children truly have learning problems, the learning problem of many is simply that they refuse to learn. Quickness to learn what they want belies test results indicative of retardation or learning disabilities. There may be several reasons for the refusal to learn. A child obsessed with safety is too distracted to learn and avoids risk of failure (Matt. 25:24-25). Learning is hard work. An appearance of being stupid can dupe others, possibly inducing teachers and parents to reduce the work load and expect less (Prov. 12:20). Learning situations are opportunities to play control games (Prov. 9:17;10:23; 26:18-19). Some people take delight in showing contempt for knowledge (Prov. 1:22, 25). Whatever the reasons, learning time is wasted and education lost. Then, it can appear that the child is less intelligent when the real problem is refusal to learn (Prov. 1:7; 22).

Abnormal Eating Patterns
Patterns include stealing and hiding food, hoarding and gorging, refusal to eat, and eating strange things.
Biblical Lens: Fear and revenge can motivate stealing and hoarding (Luke 12:18). Eating odd things may stir a sense of control over natural reactions, produce a thrill, or gain attention. 

Theft, Pointless Theft
Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people. 

Destructive to Self, Others, Property, Cruelty to Animals
A RAD child recklessly desregards safety and appears to have no fear of dangerous situations such as cliffs and fire. Tolerance for pain is unusually high. Hurting oneself may be intentional. Hurting others is sport. The RAD child will deliberately be a nuisance, and bully, terrorize, and humiliate others. He underhandedly stirs trouble with others in a way that they are blamed. Vandalism may include anything from adorning the wall with mucous, to punching holes in walls, to arson. Animal cruelty is common. Because the child is so cunning , violent acts are seldom seen or appear to be accidents. If the child is accused, blame is effectively shifted to someone else.
Biblical Lens: Anger commonly leads to destructive behaviors. Revenge motivated Esau to plot to kill Jacob (Gen. 27:41). Fear could be the motive when there is a desire to avoid discovery of a crime. The Pharisees plotted Jesus' death to avoid facing the truth about Him. Cruelty to animals can excite a sense of power (control) or be a convenient and "safe" outlet for anger.  

Preoccupation with Blood, Gore, Fire, Weapons
Depending upon the severity of the disorder, the child will be more or less obsessed with those things associated with evil. Drawings go beyond those of dragons and demons to incorporate blood and gore, and can be frightening. Girls and boys may be overly fascinated with uncouthness, sensuality, and promiscuity at an unusually young age.
Biblical Lens: The child who is afraid will think about what he can use to protect himself (Matt. 12:14; 26:4-5, 59; 27:1-2). The child who is angry plans how to get revenge.

Difficulty Learning from Mistakes
No matter the consequences given by parents and society, the child will continue the behavior. He does not learn from positive or negative reinforcements.
Biblical Lens: Proverbs 27:22 describes the RAD child when it says, "Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him." The foolish accounts that he wants is worth suffering the same consequences repeatedly. Habits are hard to change. 

Poor Impulse Control
A RAD child may speak kindly one moment, viciously the next. He may steal one moments, be generous in the next.
Biblical Lens: Often, when people are feeling afraid or furious, they do not think logically. They react impulsively (Prov. 12:16, 18; 17:14). Lack of self-control becomes a habit. 

Intense Control Battles
The antisocial child works persistently to wrest control of the household away from the parent. He behaves well when he wants something. Otherwise, testing, bossiness, arguments, baiting others, and pushing the limits continue unendingly. Every conversation is a manipulation opportunity. He pretends to not hear, not understand, or to misunderstand. A simple morning greeting might be delayed, dramatized, normal, a deliberate snub, a contemptuous grunt, a glare, a burst of laughter, or an antagonistic "What do you want?" A minute incident may start a control battle that continues unresolved for hours or days. He is as likely to sabotage a fun game as he is to participate.
Biblical Lens: For the child who is afraid, control of others produces a sense of power and invulnerability. For the child who is angry, provocations can achieve revenge. Besides, contest can be fun. That is why people play games and sports. Some people enjoy wrangling over words (2 Tim. 2:14, 16, 23), so Paul warned Timothy to not get caught up in it. Like a coal to fire is a RAD child to strife (Prov. 26:21; 17:19); he is constantly hot to spark a fight for control.

Hypervigilance/Hyperactivity
Hyperactivity, hypervigilance, and anger are common.
Biblical Lens: Someone who feels constantly threatened, who feels driven to maintain control, must be always on the alert. Hypervigilance keeps him attuned to people. For example, feeling threatened, the Pharisees watched Jesus, spied on Him, and tried to trap Him (Matt. 20:19-20). Like a boxer, the hypervigilant person studies others to find weaknesses and stays ready to seize opportunities. 

Chronic Lying, Lies About the Obvious
Lying is highly skilled, chronic, blatant, and sometimes so ridiculous that the child seems unaware of reality. With his hand in the cookie jar, the child will answer, "What jar?" Lying is not reserved only for escape from trouble. It is a lifestyle. The child may lie about the color of the shirt he is wearing or who was at the birthday party, lying when it gains him nothing and when telling the truth would require less effort.
Biblical Lens: Lies ward off punishment and guilt and keep others baffled. The Pharisees lied to themselves, and lied to others by refusing to answer when they did not want to admit to the obvious (Luke 20:1-8). Lying may arise from an abiding sense of guilt. "The wicked flee when no one is pursuing" (Prov. 28:1). Tricking others can also be a thrilling challenge. Whatever the reason, lying becomes an automatic reflex (Hosea 11:12-12:1).

Lack of Remorse, Seeming Lack of Conscience
When confronted with misbehavior, the child rationalizes, minimizes the harm he caused, shows total indifference, offers excuses, or blames the victim. Remorse is shown only to reduce or prevent punishment. He becomes insolent or furious if an authority expects him to admit wrongdoing. His actions are justified. The expectations of the victim and/or the authority are unreasonable.
Biblical Lens: Feelings of remorse are unpleasant, so people avoid them. A feeling of guilt implies a fault or weakness, which produces fear. Some people get angry at the idea of being wrong. The child becomes all the more desperate to rid himself of remorse feelings by justifying his actions. to the person who considers his own survival to be the ultimate value, it seems logaical that self-defensive behaviors must by rightful and good. With this view, the survivalist determines that he deserves what he steals or that he deserves the right of retaliation. People who love control will not care who they hurt to get the things they want (James 4:2-3). They will care more about keeping everyone under their control than about the basic needs of others (Matt. 9:9-13; 15:1-9; Luke 13:14). Examples of hardheartedness and shamelessness are throughout Scripture--Sodom, Esau, Pharaoh, Israel's child sacrifices, the Pharisees. In these examples, people demanded to do what they wanted without responsibility to any authority for it.

Refusal to Request Help
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is not listed in RAD literature. I have added it based upon my own observations only because I think it is an indicator of an underlying attitude essential to the child's alienation. The observation is, an antisocial child obtains what he wants by his own way (through power or manipulation) or else not at all. Just like the angry people described in James 4:2-3, he will suffer loss or pain rather than ask for help, or even for simple wants like a toy or an outing. This trait is easily missed, probably because absence of something is harder to spot than its presence. It takes time for parents to realize how often they think, "I would love to have given him that, if only he would tell me what he would like to have. If only he would ask." It is an important piece of the puzzle because it silently shouts, "I don't need you!" A RAD child appears determined to trust in only himself (Prov. 3:5; 16:25; 28:26).

In summary,
From babyhood RAD children develop a pervasive emotional self-sufficiency. Key characteristics include drive for control, hypervigilance, and lack of conscience. Most criminals or rebellious people usually maintain a loyalty to someone, friend or family. RAD children retain no loyalties and exercise a disregard for, and violation of, other people.
Biblical Lens: Our psychological labels are manmade categorizations. Even though the Bible speaks to every human condition, it would be impertinent to demand that it fits out categories. We must find our solutions in the Bible's categories, not vice versa. What people do and say expresses something about their heart desires. Major themes for a RAD child include self-preservation (selfishness), control, fear and anger, bitterness and brooding, and making emotional rather than rational decisions. Over all, the characteristics fit what the Bible calls an "angry man" (Prov. 29:22). Another pertinent big-picture label that accompanies and facilitates anger might be "he who separates himself" (Prov. 18:1), which we might abbreviate "alienated."  

From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice

If you find yourself dealing with children with attachment disorders or see these behaviors daily and sometimes hourly in your home buy this book! It has been such an encouragement to me and I keep it as a guide to refer back to constantly to point myself and my children to when and how these behaviors and motives played out in the bible and how God handled it. I have been on a short, yet very hard, journey and have changed my way of looking at parenting. For some real posts on RAD, I have two posts that describe some of the behaviors we have met on this journey, see Pursue Me and The Story of a Wicked Woman.

 Glorious Hope of Redemption 

There is hope for the child habituated to fear, anger, and control! Antisocial behaviors can become features of the past! How can that change be effected? It starts with salvation. God promises that when someone agrees that he has sinned and deserves punishment, commits to the truth that Jesus is the Son of God, and repents from self to trust in Christ's redemptive work on the cross, God cleanses him from sin and gives a new heart that desires to please Him (Ezek. 36:25-26; 2 Cor. 5:9). With the new heart comes the ability to renew the mind (Eph. 4:22-24). Through God's Word, the child can learn and believe the truth about his world, himself, and God, and change his desires. The Bible shows how to throw away old tools of controlling the situation and pick up God's tools for handling trouble effectively. He can decide that when fears arise, he will run to God rather than to his own coping strategies (Psalm 18:2; 56:3). When anger boils, he will put on self-control instead (Gal. 5:19-23).  

Change of environment helps a great deal. Parents and counselors can influence him by modeling love and the joy of fellowship with God. They can teach truth and gently challenge or correct misperceptions by a calm, logical application of Scripture. They can patiently provide reward and disciplinary consequences. Prayer is essential. Loving parents can woo a child to choose to change.  

From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice, pages 52-53.

I am no longer parenting for my kids, to give my them the best life they could have or making sure they are changing their behavior, I am now parenting for me, to practice putting on fruits of the Spirit when, not if, I am tempted and tried by behaviors and conform more and more to the image of Jesus Christ alone.

Click here for a blog post on how I found: 

Healing in the Hurt (Battling fear, anger and bitterness while parenting RAD)

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

A week of trials. A week of joy!

I am thankful that last week is over! Yet, I will remember what it taught me quite fondly. Here is a little snapshot of last week. We visited Urgent Care 3 times.

First, on Friday, for Mirabel's infected cut on her foot (playing outside without shoes on against mommy's advice)

 

After our 1st visit to Urgent Care, on Tuesday morning, Brian and I were awakened at 6:30am to a clanging/thumping sound in our bathroom. We ran in there to find our beloved Shaka having a seizure. This was a full on, body thrashing, head knocking, jaw clenching, tongue biting, mouth foaming, severe seizure. It lasted about 2 minutes while we were actually awake. Who knows how long she had been going before that. I worked at an animal shelter for 3 years. I have seen a handful of dog seizures but this one killed me. This was my baby before my babies. This was my Shaka and I couldn't do anything but wait and attempt to make her comfortable. When she finally stopped it took several more minutes for her muscle strength to return and for her to recognize me. She kept trying to pace around the bathroom but kept falling into walls until I held her and waited and cried. I begged God not to take her yet. She is only 8 years old, not yet.

 

                               

 

Later that same day we received several calls from Brian's family in VA. Brian's dad's health is deteriorating even further. He is 87, and in the past year has had several strokes, has Alzheimers, is mostly paralyzed. Now he cannot eat due to his recent trouble aspirating any food into his lungs. They will be attempting to have a feeding tube put in but due to many possible complications this was the "get ready" call. Get ready to come up here quick if things turn for the worst.

 

 

We are so thankful that we got to visit grandpa recently, in November 2012. When all 5 kiddos were finally adopted we made a trip up there and he got to meet his 5 new grandchildren for the first time. Brian and I had visited before our journey into fostercare and adoption started in May 2011, what a change for both of us! Grandpa was still healthy and driving back then and we were childless and barren. In a little over a year both of our lives had changed so much!

 

   

 

 On Wednesday, after a vet appointment for Shaka and several more family calls to update on grandpa, it was back to Urgent Care.

This time for little Ty-man and myself. We both tested positive for strep. Boo!

 

And a 3rd time, on Thursday, to get the rest of the herd strep tested. Only little Maggie-pants tested positive.

 

Thankfully, after antibiotics the strep was gone in less than 24 hours, but the antibiotics that I got wrecked my digestive system and kept me nauseated and dizzy for several days following. For 2 days all I could eat was yogurt. It didn't help either that I had really thought, for some reason, that this month was timed just right and God would open my womb. Well, that was not the case as the day I started antibiotics my crampy, monthly visitor showed up a week early. After some tears, I praised God anyway for His all-knowing and perfect timing. To top it off the letter and pictures I mailed to Maggie's birthmom back in early January was returned by the jail due to "no padded envelopes allowed". I have awaited a response from her, for what feels like forever, just to learn that she hasn't even received my letter yet. Again, God's timing is perfect, even when I don't know why.

 

So here I am.

 

I have survived, we have survived this week that didn't just rain, it poured. The best part of this week? God's continued faithfulness, grace and mercy lavished upon us! I have to say that my heart, my attitude and my joy was consistent this week despite the circumstances. I was able to pray, read and enjoy God even with all the trials. "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4.

 

This week I endured. I have been through many smaller trials than what this week brought and I always feel broken, hopeless and weak. This week was the first time I practiced what I know to be true. This week I leaned heavily on God's strength and He provided lavishly as He promised He would do. Not only did He provide my spiritual needs this week, but also my physical needs as dear friends brought over groceries, soup, diapers, coffee, toothbrushes and other goodies!

 

This week, through suffering and trials, God proved ever more faithful and trustworthy. He used a recent bible study in my life to keep me on track and joyful during these trials.

 

 

He tells us we, as Christians, have received the same faith as the disciples (2 Peter 1:1) who went through far more trials and seemed far stronger, yet we have the same faith! He promises that grace and peace will be multiplied to us (2 Peter 1:2) and that we, as Christians, have God's divine power and has granted us EVERYTHING we need, pertaining to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). We are able to escape the corruption of this world because we, as Christians, are partakers of His divine nature (2 Peter 1:4). Nature determines appetite, behavior, and environment. As partakers of God's nature we should have an appetite for what is Holy, behavior that is Holy and surround ourselves in an environment of Holiness.

 

"⁵Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, ⁶ and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, ⁷ and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. ⁸ For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. ¹⁰ Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; ¹¹ for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you." 2 Peter 1:5-11

 

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this verse! Through much study the week before last, I vowed to begin to attempt to "apply all diligence" (2 Peter 1:5). I have all the faith I need right now! I have God's divine power and nature! I have God living inside me, through the Holy Spirit, my Helper! God has acted, THEREFORE I act! So NOW, apply ALL diligence, exhort ALL effort, exercise ALL your energy to supply, provide lavishly, stock fully, through faith, these qualities to your life: moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love.

 

This list begins with faith and ends with love. I love that.

 

 

Why do we, as Christians, diligently work to "stock" our lives with godly attributes? So that we will be useful and fruitful for Him (2 Peter 1:8), so we will not stumble (2 Peter 1:10), and so we can be completely assured of our future hope in heaven (2 Peter 1:11)!

 

This week was full of trials. But my hope isn't of this world. As trials come I can keep in peace and joy! God proved that to me this week. Although tears were abundant this week, my faith was unwavering. Although, after 2 days of being nauseated with nothing but yogurt to eat, I slipped up and momentarily gave in to sin and anger, I was able to quickly remind myself of my divine nature and power to escape the sin and corruption of this world. I was able to quickly begin again to stroke against the current of this world so that I don't drift away in it.

 

This world of suffering and trials is a strong current, waiting to pull us under. God reminds us in 2 Peter that if we are not stroking against the current we will drift. As Christians we must stroke!

 

God is present in our trials. God is good. ALWAYS!!!

 

 

Excerpt from a sermon by John Piper: 

 

Don't Float; Swim Hard

Last week I read a true story to the boys entitled Glenda's Long Swim in "The Incredible Series." Glenda and Robert Lennon were four miles off the coast of Florida fishing alone from their yacht. Glenda decided to take a swim and soon found the current had carried her too far out from the boat. Her husband, hearing her cries, without thinking dove in and swam to her, but then realized they were both being carried out. He was a champion swimmer, but not she. They made a plan. He would swim against the tide to keep the boat in view until the tide ceased and he could reach the boat. She should save her strength and just float with the tide and he would come and get her. He fought the tide for six hours and just as the boat was about to disappear on the horizon the tide turned and his strokes carried him to the boat exhausted. The sun had set. His searching was futile—he could not find his wife. The next day on one last effort of search, the search party found his wife—twenty miles out and still alive. It was an incredible story.

What it illustrates is this: Christians who just float never stay in the same place. Christians who disobey verses 5–7 and do not apply themselves with diligence to bear the fruit of faith drift into great peril. We must strive even to stand still, the tide of temptation is so strong.

The effort towards virtue, knowledge, self-control, patience, godliness, brotherly affection, and love is not dispensable icing on the cake of faith. If Robert had not swum with all his might, the yacht would have gone out of sight, and he and his wife would have drowned. I've said before and will say again: we do not judge a person's genuineness by how close he is to heaven but by how hard he is stroking. The evidence that God's power has been given to you by faith is that you are now making every effort (as verse 5 says) to advance in the qualities of Christ.

Verse 8 makes explicit the warning I have sounded: "For if these things are yours and abound, they keep you from being ineffectual and unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." Recall from verse 2 that it is in "the knowledge" of Christ that there can be a barren and fruitless knowledge of Christ. It is possible to make a start in the Christian life, but then to become indifferent and unfeeling and careless in using the means of grace, and to drift into destruction. 2 Peter 2:20 says, "If after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overpowered, the last state has become worse for them than the first." If the knowledge of God's glorious promises does not spur us on to strive against the tide, then we will be barren and fruitless and drift to our destruction.

Click here for the entire sermon by John Piper on 2 Peter 1:5-11

Posted by Shannon



Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

 



Stuck in a Rut

I feel like I haven't posted from the heart in a while. I have kinda been in a little rut of the day in day out, cooking of 3 meals, making 8 bottles and changing the daily 10+ diapers. 

 



 

Yesterday I got to talk with an amazing couple and when telling our story said things out loud that

I needed to remind myself of. Like how far our kids have come! We have only been their parents for a year. Only ...their adoptive parents for a month. It has been a journey and a half, would I do it over again? In a heartbeat! I would jump into parenthood faster now being able to see the amazing and quick results! I am starting to feel less like a lump of shapeless clay being squeezed and painfully molded and more like the beginning stage of a molded vessel. Who knows what I will look like next year!? I can tell you I have a hope that truly does not disappoint!

 

 

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."


Posted by Shannon