Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I love because I have been loved

While cleaning and organizing today I re-read my mother's day card from Yukehily. I thought I would share as it meant a lot to me today, now that my heart is restored. (I was kind of emotionally unstable on Mother's Day if you read my post). Envelope, "To: My Beautiful mom who Adopted, From: Yukehily who you are adopting. I love you!" Inside 1: "You've cared for me and loved me so I love you. Happ...y Mother's Day!!" Inside 2: "Dear mommy, I love you so much you can't even imagen how much. You've loved me alot."

It is true. I have loved her A LOT. I commited to love her before she came, regardless of her behavior. I loved Yukehily when she ran away....3 times. I loved Yukehily when she screamed strong, cruel language and obscenities at me. I loved Yukehily when she told me she would never love me and make my life awful unless she got to go back with her real mom. I loved Yukehily when she hit me. Now, Yukehily loves me because I first loved her. Thank you God for teaching me how to love, not based on merits, but because You do.

Posted by Shannon

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day Fail

I wish I could say that today was magical, that I am floating on cloud 9, completely smitten with motherhood and overflowing with love. I cannot. The world has failed me, it has pumped me full of dreams of magic and romance on Mother's day where my kids float around serving my every whim and desire and fill me with a joy unsurpassable. I was let down, and I sinned. I built up this golden idol of m...other's day in my heart and worshipped it. It came crashing down around me and I cried....a lot. Then I crawled back to my Father in Heaven to be reminded again of where my true joy comes from. Today, God tore down a major idol taking up space in my heart and pulled me that much closer to Him.

This whole mom thing is HARD. I often feel inadequate when it doesn't come as easy as I thought it would. Or like a failure when I make a mistake. Or guilty when my kids don't bring me complete happiness as the world says they should. Most days, I wake up wondering "Why did you choose me God? What merits do I have, what qualities do I possess that it was me you wanted for this task of motherhood?" I am not PATIENT, organized, slow to anger, bubbley, well educated or trained, touchy-feely, or energetic. In fact I am a young, opinionated, sarcastic, stubborn, anal-retentive idol worshipper who despises a messy house and likes to be alone. Me being a mom with all my inadequacies is living proof that "with God, all things are possible".

Last year the tugging on my heart wasn't "God I want to be further sanctified and conformed to Your image". No. It was "God I WAAAAAAANT KIDS!" Little did I know God would use what I so desperately wanted to lead me further down the road of sanctification. In His goodness, He even slips in bits of joy and encouragement along the way. My little sanctifiers are here to change and mold me in all the ways God knows I need. No matter how hard my kids are, I would give myself up for them, in a heartbeat, just as Christ did for me.

Posted by Shannon