Best of Facebook: June 2016

6/1/2016: Click here to see photo on FB: 

We took a big leap 3 months ago. I have always had a dream of having a traveling petting zoo business so after becoming debt free we took a leap, got an LLC, became licensed and insured and put ourselves out there. God has blessed it beyond what we could have ever imagined!!! Here are two reviews we saw on our FB page today! <3

"Amazing people! Lovely animals! Sweet kids! Can't wait to go back!"

"We hired Redemptive Love Petting Zoo for a birthday party for our one year old and they were a complete hit with ALL ages! BEST birthday party! This family-run business is nothing short of amazing with their professionalism and genuine courtesy. I cannot speak highly enough of the children helping with this operation- they were so well spoken and knowledgeable and a pleasure to be around! The animals were all very friendly and responded well to the 25+ children we had there ages 1-14. Even the teens and adults enjoyed petting them. The horses were so friendly and a perfect addition for the easiest birthday party we have ever hosted! Thank you so much Redemptive Love! We will definitely be calling again, and would refer anyone with 100% confidence!"

6/3/2016: Click here to see post on FB:

Here is an Italian documentary our family was featured in....you can kinda hear our voices (speaking in English) under the dubbed voices. It is a 30 minute documentary, we are filmed and interviewed from time: 13:25-16:54. To be honest I have no idea the way they spun the story because I don't speak Italian but I do know the title is "An American Scandal".....God can use anything.

Click here to go to website with video

EDITED to add: Laura Mercier, who is awesome, took the time to translate our small segment, here is English translation:

"Sometimes, second chance adoptions truly have a happy ending.
In this farm, on the periphery of Tallahassee, Florida, Shannon and Brian Carroll live with their 7 children adopted in the last 5 years.
For them, saving children in difficult situations, with a past of abandonment and failed adoptions, is a mission, a way to fulfill God’s will.

Shannon: “If you’re trying to build a family through adoption, or if a couple can’t have children, you think “I want to adopt a little baby from China” but you discover quickly that things aren’t that simple. These children with a past of traumatic relationships or having grown up in orphanages don’t know how to act with a mom and dad. There never had any parents, they don’t come through the door telling you “Mom, I love you!”.
If we have children fill a void in ourselves, to be called parents, adoptions don’t work. But if we do it to fill their needs of love and attention, then that’s a way for those children to find healing.”

Among the 7 Carroll children there is Samuel, 9 years old, his face scarred by a birthmark. Abandoned around 6 months by his parents, Sam spent his first 4 years in an orphanage in China. First he was adopted by a family in Michigan, who after 4 years, in 2014, decided to get rid of him. Abandoned again.

Sam: “One evening, Mom and Dad told me “Go to your room, we need to talk to you”. I thought who knows what they want, it can’t be anything serious. Then, I understood… You think, OK, I’ll be here for the rest of my life, and instead I discovered I needed to leave. I was tossed about from here to there so many times. How can I trust when they told me I was going to stay here forever? The only thing I can do is wait and see what’s going to happen.”

Shannon: “When he started living with us, Sam kept repeating: “Who knows, maybe my next family will be in Texas, or maybe in California” as if it was an exciting adventure. But one day he too will need a family, he will need to know that he is wanted. We had to explain this to him many times: Hey kid, whether you like it or not, this is the last stop! Now and in the future, it will always be us."

6/4/2016: Click here to see post on FB:

Dr. Ware's wife once told me, "No good or generous impulse is from Satan, consider it from God and act on it regardless of how you feel."

You know that prodding to pay for someone's meal even when you don't you have the money - from God

The urge to call someone even when you don't have the time - from God

The desire to love one of God's children and cure their orphan-ness by giving them a family - definitely from God (the last thing Satan wants is to see the orphan know their true Father)

6/7/2016: Click here to see photo on FB: 

Who needs seven multicolored kids to get you attention when you have a goat in your purse! ;) I have entered a new phase of crazy...

6/8/2016: Click here to see photo on FB:

This mama thing is hard some days....in the stress of it all some mamas take a bath, some go out for a jog. Some mamas sniff oils, some take medications. Some mamas drink lots of coffee, some binge eat chocolate icecream. Some mamas hide in the closet and cry, some dance in the midst of the crazy.
Me...I hug a dog...or a pony...or a bunny....or a goat....or even a chicken.

We all have our thing. Don't judge. :D
Keep on keeping on mamas!

6/14/2016: Click here to see photo on FB:

28 days had come and gone with no babies. 30 days had come and gone with no babies. 34 days had come and gone with no babies. We were about to move mama back in with the flock and discard all 12 eggs. But mama was sitting ever so faithfully, "oh, just let her keep sitting." A big thunderstorm had come through at one point causing rain water to fill her nest and we found all the eggs floating in the water. I knew in my heart at that point the eggs were no longer viable. But her faithfulness to sit on these, perceived dead, babies caused my heart to long with her, so we dried them and gave her a fresh nesting box, "okay, let her keep sitting." She refused to leave her nest. We would take food and water to her every morning and get a close enough for a whiff of a rotten egg smell. Mama duck would fluff up her feathers and hiss, this 15lb duck ready to defend her nest against a 150lb human, "If you insist on sitting, we are not taking your eggs mama duck, you just sit."

Everyday we looked at this mama duck with a hopeless sigh but Mama duck knew better than us, for this very morning a fuzzy yellow baby greeted us. We don't know if any more will hatch but we do know that even if this is the only baby that hatches it has made all the patience and faithfulness of sitting in the heat and the rain worth it to this mama duck!

What a lesson in not acting in haste yet just faithfully waiting on the Lord this morning! :D

6/16/2016: Click here to see photo on FB:

Follow-up to previous mama duck post: 10 out of the 12 eggs mama was sitting on were very rotten. She hatched out one more sweet yellow baby today and then we gave her two more eggs that were just starting to hatch in our incubator!

So she hatched two bio + two adopted = four REAL ducklings ;) lol
And mama loves them all!!! <3

6/21/2016: Click here to see photo on FB:

4 years ago this tiny dude became ours! I still remember the days leading up to his placement in our family! When the first sibling group of three came I, vainly, prayed that they would be cute, and terribly cute they were. When just 3 months later we were called for a baby girl and my very cute, big three were wearing me out I prayed that she would just sleep through the night! At 6 weeks old she she slept soundly through the night, but during the day she was a very collicky, fussy baby. So when just 6 months later we were called once more for a baby boy, I said yes through tears of exhaustion and prayed, "Lord, just let him smile."

This baby was dropped off an hour after they called us with nothing but the dirty clothes he was wearing. The first couple days this baby sat quietly, no crying, no laughing, just would sit and watch. When baby girl cried (which was often) I would meet both babies needs. This quiet little boy who now was getting all his needs met before he could ask, yet before he came he had learned to stop crying because in his past his cries had been ignored.

Something began to happen, this baby began to happily smile and laugh all the time! I would walk to the table carrying dinner, three whiny, pouty kids would complain, baby girl would be screaming because I was too slow getting the food to her and this baby boy would be smiling and clapping! He became my personal cheerleader in the drudgery of life chores! His tiny hands and huge tooth-less grin are forever etched in my mind as God's perfect blessing bestowed on me to drive me to continue on in love!

I wanted to say no to number five, I was SO overwhelmed with four, but if I had I wouldn't have had that breath of fresh air, that tiny smile sent from Heaven that said, "you're doing good mom, keep going!"

6/22/16: Click here to view link on FB:

DEBT FREEDOM!!!
I finally got around to telling our story going from $250,000 mortgage + two car loans + other small debt = $300,000 total debt to the freedom of not having to pay a mortgage, owning our cars and being debt free ($0 debt)!!!

Click here to see blog post: "A Story Only God Could Write" 

6/26/16: Click here to see post on FB:

Memory from one year ago, I can still feel the deep feeling of frailty as I remember this time being separated from my family, sitting in the hospital by my sweet girl.

6/26/15 - Today marks 2 weeks since we loaded up Clifford, our big red Excursion, with 7 kiddos and a trailer full of medical supplies. We drove home embarking on a new journey, a new path that God had set before us with another gift buckled in behind me laughing with her new siblings. We spent the first day unpacking box after box and making room for another member of the family. It was a peaceful day with visitors bringing meals and Brittney quietly adjusting, exploring her new home and playing with all her new toys.

The calm before the storm.

In the past we have had a honeymoon period with our behavioral/trauma roller coaster kids, usually a month long calm before the storm. This new medical roller coaster whipped us right up to the peak of the drop before we could even get our feet wet. In just 24 hours at 1am that 2nd night home we were awakened by vomitting and rushed to the ER. After a long night we were admitted due to Pancreatitis. Now even though her Pancreas levels are back to normal we are still going to be here in the hospital for an indefinite amount of time unitl her body gets back up to par.

For 12 days I have sat by this little girl's bedside, comforted her, held her hand and let her know I am here for her. For 12 dats I have held dozens of vomit buckets, changed a truckload of yucky diapers, went 72 hours straight without sleep, lived out of a suitcase, and cried enough tears to fill a bathtub. At times it felt like this path dropped out from under us and I was falling. My human fraility, weakness and emotions have been deep these past 12 days.

But God is still good and He is big, bigger than this hospital stay. God is still showing us His endless lovingkindness, grace and mercy. God's promises are shown more, not less, true in times of trouble and His supernatural peace can only be found in the midst of a storm. God is still on sovereignly on His throne and this temporary trial did not take Him by surprise. This is the path He paved for us. For. Our. Good! And this ship is staying course through the fiercest winds and rain.

Although our family is in different cities, Brittney and I here 4 hours away in the hospital and Brian home with the kids playing the single parent game we are growing deeper in love with each other every day. This trial has deepened our understanding of what family truly means.

"Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten." - Stitch :D

Powerful words little, blue, alien man...powerful words.

Posted by Shannon

Birth Moms, Adoptive Moms, Real Moms

After posting a picture with a short description on our Facebook page that gained  almost 1,000 likes, 100 comments and 200 shares, I feel compelled to share more information and expand upon my thinking. What was posted was 100% true and from my deepest heart affections. Here is the post:

"Today we attended a wedding. We sought counsel and over and over were advised not to attend. We were told it wasn't safe. People believed that it would be confusing. Brian and I prayed, as we usually do, that we would be open to God's direction even if it went against all human wisdom (there was a time we received the same negative counsel by well meaning Christians about accepting a 4th, 5th and ...6th child into our family).

After seeing the tears stream down her face and the joy she expressed at the sight of the blond 3 year old she gave birth to, God confirmed we had listened well. I am so thankful God grabbed a hold of my heart and led me courageously to attend Maggie's birthmom's wedding. I wasn't condoning her life choices but choosing to show her love and grace regardless of her behavior. God gave an overwhelming peace to my heart that no fear of man could shake. He had also orchestrated perfectly that in Maggie's "too big clothes bin" sat a beautiful flower girl dress that had been given to us when she was only an infant. It was too pretty to pass along before she could use it and when we dug it out it fit perfectly as if it was waiting there just for this moment!

Adoption is a unique journey and at times confusing. This little girl that I have raised and adore was not grown in my body. I will forever share her with another mother. While that thought could consume some with sadness it reminds me that it isn't love being shared as in separated but shared as in combined. My baby girl is loved twice! And when I adopted this little girl, I was not just given a daughter to love, but her mother to love also! We love our adopted kids best when we choose to love their parents!"

 If that post was true then what else do I feel compelled to share? There is a great tension between biblical truth and real experience. Both are 100% true yet can seem so opposite. I am going to attempt a balancing act of carefully upholding the unchanging truth of Scripture yet the always changing truth of emotional experiences. Let me explain using our FB post as an example. It is a biblical truth that God hates sin (Rom. 1:18), therefore we should strive to uproot any sin that takes us captive and avoid close relationships with unrepentant, habitually sinful people. We also know that God deeply loves sinners (Rom. 5:8), so much so that He took the payment for their sins upon Himself.

We see that the affects of sin cross generational borders. This in full display in the lives of our adopted children. A mama that drinks with a baby in utero may present us with a precious baby that struggles with FAS for the rest of their life. A mama that neglects the basic nutritional or hygiene needs of a child may lead to a us watching that child suffer a life of illnesses and deficiencies. A mama that makes choices that ultimately results in her not being able to carry out her role as mom and leads to her child being permanently removed from her care will almost always cause us to have to walk that child through attachment issues, which can include, mental or behavior issues and counseling or therapy for a length of time.

We also know that these mamas, whether they allow to sin to temporarily creep into their lives or are completely taken over by it, are still deeply loved by God. We know that God uses us to be His hands and feet and graciously gives us the strength to love people where they are. We see Jesus as our example talking to prostitutes and dining with tax collectors. (Luke 15: 1-10, Matt. 21:28-32, Mark 2:16-17, John 4, John 8:7)

Out of the deep love of our Father we stepped out in faith to show our love for a woman that has made decisions in her life that has resulted in her daughter being placed in our arms at just 6 weeks old. I made it my goal to show her nothing but kindness when I would bring this precious baby, that I was caring for and attaching to, to visitations. Then when the tables turned I reached out, confusing our case workers, for approval to write her during her prison sentence. We wrote almost a hundred letters back and forth during that 2 year sentence. I kept her updated on her baby's everchanging abilities and kept her 50 picture limit filled. Also, via letter, I had to inform her that her baby was going to become ours through adoption. A hard pill for any mom to swallow.

It was God's mercy filling my heart that compelled me to meet her at the bus station when she was released from prison and invited her to our church on Mother's day. As her old nature and ways began to creep back into her life due to her new found freedom, our contact became only through email. When we received a wedding invitation and request for Maggie to be the flower girl we were unsure what we should do. We didn't know the right answer and all the "what if"s we could think of began reeling through our minds.

There is an unhealthy fear of birth parents instilled in us from news stories, from a cousin's friend's brother's horrific experience and our own inexperience with this unique relationship. This fear is real, it is tangible, we can feel it. Fear can act itself out in many ways in our life. Fear can make us angry, paranoid, or unforgiving. While fear is a very real experience, let us move into the tension between experience and biblical truth. I am afraid, but God says, "do not fear" (Josh 1:9, Is. 41:10), "fear is not from God" (2 Tim 1:7), and "God is love" (1 John 4:8). While our emotions often want to take over we must "renew our minds daily" (Rom 12:2, Eph 4:21-24) to strive to stay in the tension. God is our protector and promises to go before us. Fear can stifle and even paralyze acts of love.

"God I am afraid (real experience), but you love this woman and promise to give me strength to love her (biblical truth)."

Click here for a blog post of a party with Titus' birth family.

So we attended a wedding. We chose love over fear. God confirmed we chose well but what should we think when real experiences begin taking over? The days after the wedding I had deep pangs of sorrow as I edited the photos and saw the same nose and smile I admire on my baby staring back at me on birth mom's face, not mine. We also had old behavior issues resurface in one child, another break down emotionally about missing their own birth mother and our littlest Maggie went through a bout of wetting. Some would ask, was it the right choice then?

True love is choosing to be vulnerable. True love is self-sacrificing, just as Jesus sacrificed all and bore much pain to show us the love we don't deserve (Is 53:4-5). Shouldn't we live out all that love is (patient, kind, content, humble, honoring, unselfish, slow to anger and forgiving 1 Cor 13:4-7) even at the risk of being hurt? Shouldn't we teach our children that love is worth it?

God promises to work all out for our good (Rom 8:28). Our oldest children got to see first hand the type of fearless love we extend to all our birth mothers even when it is difficult, though their own is not receptive or safe. Also, some deeply buried hurts were stirred and resurfaced so we can work through them together biblically. Maggie will have days that arise in her future years when she questions who she is and where she came from. The benefit of seeing love in action toward the woman that bore her during her time of questioning will far outweigh a few accidents as her tiny frame attempts to make sense of this crazy thing called being adopted. I repeat whole-heartily, we love our adopted kids best when we choose to love their parents!



Although adoption is beautifully designed by God we must remember that it is born in suffering and loss. Somebody lost family so we could gain ours. Adoption is so beautiful because it shows the power of God's Word holding true, that which was meant for evil, God used it for good (Gen 50:20)!

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

I Wasn't on the Adoption Train: A Husband’s View on Adoption.

I guess it is time for me to write on the husband’s perspective in the foster/adoptions that we have done. My heartfelt prayer is for you to first go to the Lord and ask Him to open your eyes and heart to what you are about to read.
 
Was I always on the adoption train with my wife?
No, there was so much to consider like finances, questions about whether we could conceive, what would the adopted child think, and was this truly "our" calling? Did I feel adoption was right….of course….at the right time. All that being said, I had to stop my compartmentalizing of the situation and search the scriptures to see what God says.

What is the husbands role and seeking wise counsel? 

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Eph 5:25)

"Got it" you say? What does that verse truly mean? Christ gave Himself up for the church….His life…the cup did not pass from Him….sacrifice. Jesus was also in prayer continually with the Father.

The final decision is the husband’s right?

"Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Eph 5:21)

Husbands are the head of the household, but what does that truly mean? That means the final responsibility falls on our shoulders in regards to all decisions. Does that entail being a dominant force with final say and everyone bows to your will? Absolutely not! First, ultimately we are managers or stewards of our household that will be responsible to Christ. Many times we can be easily swayed to look around us to others for a gauge as to how we are doing. But we have the manual of how we measure up in our management role in the Word of God.

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Josh 24:15b)

To clarify, Christ is head over you, next comes you, and then your wife. So you ultimately are responsible to Christ for decisions of your house. Do you contain all knowledge? No, only God does and that is why we are called to seek wise counsel and hearken to the wisdom of a godly woman (see Prov 31). So when that question arises or the thought of adopting/fostering, go to the Lord, seek wise counsel (your wife included), and then come to a decision. Remember, you should be able to point to Scripture in your decision so that you and your wife may be at peace.

 

  

But God made me more level-headed and she gets emotional…
Okay, but my wife gets emotional about orphans and I can’t jump every time she gets emotional about something…I would have 20 kids, 10 puppies, and many other "whims" in the house. Let’s return to God’s Word.

"The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain." (Prov 31:11)

 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Prov 18:22) 

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'" (Gen 2:18).

The world tells us that women are on a totally different plane then men, but where the world says just cope with the difference…the Bible says God created the differences. God made Eve as a helper to Adam. Women are not a clone of men, but a compliment. We see the technical aspects and she sees the emotional aspects. We think in the black and white and she sees the color. She dreams it and we build it. Amazing how this works! She is better at child raising and we are great at providing. She has the heartache for the orphan and we have the ability to make it possible.

She is a sister in Christ that has just as much value to God. God may be reaching the "mother" with the call to adoption because He knows her heart is in tune with that call as the maternal one. Husbands, your wives are there to be a helper. God gave them to us for another perspective. As much as you might feel you would have the pangs of desiring a child, she does. Listen to her and then be the encourager, helpmate, and spiritual leader we are called to be.

But we have circumstances…

I know there are "what if" questions like….

How can we swing this financially? If one of you needed $5000 to live in 30 days, then you would find a way to cut costs or make it happen. The same with the orphan…is it important?

What if we wait for natural children, maybe we could foster/adopt later? Is that your decision without prayer and counsel?. If your wife has an impulse for a good thing (helping, adopting, serving, etc) maybe we should stop the "we will do it later" mentality and pray. Satan does not give warm-hearted, kind or sacrificial impulses. Don’t be like the followers of Jesus (Matthew 8:19-22) who gave circumstances as the excuses they could not follow Christ right then.
What about the questions from others? Honestly, stop worrying what others might say or think. We live in a world where children are viewed as a burden (opposite of what the Bible says). A world that flaunts the less children you have the more you can do (not the sacrificial life of the Bible). The Word says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." (Ps 127:3).

The timing is wrong! I guess God made a mistake and gave your wife a heart for the orphan a few years early? Is He not sovereign? Does He not take care of even the lilies of the field?

We sponsor an overseas child, so we are doing our part. There is nothing wrong with sponsorship through one of the Christian organizations out there, but cutting a check (more likely auto drafting) $30 a month to "love" a child is not sacrificially, biblical love.

What about birth order or how they will effect or family? See our post on birth order here. As for the future effects on other children that is in the department of God's sovereignty and prayer. There are many other outside influences that also affect your children, but we are to walk with them instructing them in the Word of God and love. The Word also does not say "care for the orphan" only if the kids are gone (James 1:27). 

  

Trust me, I was that guy.

I even went so far as to think that maybe the foster kid would think that we only fostered because we didn’t have any kids of our own. Pretty detailed thinking, but again that is the way a guy thinks. We can spend our whole life with "what-ifs" and truly get nothing done for the kingdom of God.

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice." (Prov 12:15)

So is adoption for everyone? Yes, everyone should be involved in adoption somewhere, somehow. The Scriptures do not say "Only certain people care for the orphan", but calls for ALL believers to. If God isn't calling your family to adopt then come alongside a family as a support, invest time, invest love, but sacrifice more than the price of a dinner. If you have the ability to foster or adopt then do it! 

Pray about it….together. Go to God's Word. And seek your wife's wise counsel. ;)


Posted by Brian
To God be the Glory!

Question: "Thoughts / Advice on Escalated Stealing?"

A Glimpse into My First Experience

With a baby on my hip, another in the cart, my 8 year old with her arms crossed and pouting, and my 5 year old gleefully (an annoyingly) jumping all around me as I check out at the register I peer over my shoulder for my 9 year old boy. He gets up quickly from the candy shelf, they conveniently put at the check out of so many stores, "I was just looking." I smiled and we left. I survived another shopping trip. So I thought. "What are you eating?" I ask in the car as he moves something around in his mouth.

He was a master thief. Cunning, deceptive, straight-faced, the perfect con artist. I would actually be impressed by it if theft wasn't against the law. Even when he stole something right in front of me and I could say, "I saw you just take such and such, please put it back" he would be able to look me in the eye and deny it, even insist so persistently why he couldn't have possibly stolen it that I found myself wanting to believe him....that is, if I hadn't seen it happen. This same insistence of his innocence would make it all the more difficult when theft was assumed but not able to be proven.

This was the first trial that bombarded me during this intense journey down a very long, hard path labeled "habitual theft"!

Theft is an Outward Deed Pointing to an Internal Heart Issue

Habituated theft that becomes as easy as breathing and the manipulation that follows it to avoid consequences is common in children struggling with attachment issues or RAD.

Stealing: (The child will often show up at home with items that belong to others, with unusual or suspicious stories of how they came to obtain these particular items. School is a very common place to FIND these type of items and the parent and school must work closely to help get this problem under control.) from "The Little Prince-Surviving Life with Reactive Attachment Disorder" blog

Theft, Pointless Theft: Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people. from the book "Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice"

The following is the teaching that has helped me most; it is from Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice summarized:

 Fear Motivates Desire

When a child fears loss of something like security he also has a driving desire for security and probably other related objectives such as comfort, control, or possessions. In 1 Samuel, Saul's fear of losing his kingdom drove his desire to kill his faithful servant David. Fear of loss and desire for gain fit hand in hand. Since loss has produced a lack of trust in others then gain has to be self-obtained.

Self-sufficiency

Self-sufficiency affirms selfishness. If the child doesn't depend on others, then neither should they expect anything from him. He is free from responsibility to love them. James speaks to the self-sufficiency of his readers when he says, "You lust and do not have; so you commit murder.... You do not have because you do not ask" (James 4:2). Rather than ask God to grant their desires, his readers determined to obtain what they wanted by their own means.

Hardened Conscience

Whether a conscience becomes calloused or good depends upon the direction to which it is trained. Those "trained in greed" (2 Peter 2:14) trained themselves to ignore or shut off the alarms of conscience when tempted with coveting. Training shapes the conscience.

Habituation

Habituation explains how the lifestyle becomes more extreme and fixed. Through training, habituated thoughts and behaviors become second nature. Romans 7:14-23 teaches that the flesh habituated to evil does it automatically. Desires can also be habituated. Peter describes someone who had "a heart trained in greed" (2 Peter 2:14), which means a heart habituated to wanting more and more. Such a person does not think twice about wrongs that he does.

Hope

The fact that the child has a conscience means there is hope. Even a hardened Judas, calloused enough to betray Jesus, still sensed conviction for his betrayal (Matthew 27:3). The commands of Scripture offer hope. Since Colossians 3:12 commands the putting on of compassion, then that is something that can willfully be done. Re-habituation offers hope. Practicing right behaviors can increase sensitivity to moral rightness. Caution must be applied so that putting on good habits is not taught as behavior modification. That is, in addition to actions, habits of heart desires and thoughts are retrained (Hebrews 5:14) and then bear fruit in actions. God's glory is the goal!

Parenting When Behaviors Never Deserve Praise

A Parent's goal is to glorify God, not to get your child to behave.
God's sovereignty is the foundation of parenting and His glory its highest purpose.

Stewards

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is a commission to a stewardship. Children belong to the Lord. He gives them temporarily to parents to train for His kingdom (Psalm 127:3). This stewardship is a great privilege. You and I, sinful people, are granted participation with God the perfect Creator in the wonderful work of shaping another little sinful person to love Him.

Responsibility

Very simply, we parents are responsible to love God and teach His Word diligently to our children (Deut. 6:7-9). We are responsible to train our children. We must command their obedience and discipline their disobedience (Proverbs 6:20; 13:24; 19:18; 23:13-14). We are responsible to "not provoke our children to anger" (Ephesians 6:4). "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Parents are NOT responsible for a child's response. The Deuteronomy 6 commission says nothing about children's responses, only about parents' obedience.

Compassion

Colossians 3:8-13 says to lay aside anger, malice, and the like. In their place, "put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Compassion is an essential ingredient to mix into the parenting recipe. Compassion prevents a hardening of heart. Someone who approaches with humility, kindness, and patience is not provoking fear and anger (Ephesians 6:4), but is encouraging a sense of safety. Compassion encourages hope. Compassion is NOT permissiveness or blindness. It does not excuse or ignore sin, but truthfully identifies it for correction. Compassion drives discipline. Be immovable about consistent discipline because you love that child too much not to be. Develop compassion by watching Christ. Read the Gospels and watch Jesus teach the ignorant, reason with the stubborn, forgive the repentant, and warn the unrepentant.

 

Patience

Patience is important because the task that you will ask of your child is daunting. For the child to turn to God he must turn from the only thing he trusts--himself. He has to come out of hiding and abandon his refuge, the habits that make him feel safe. Self-preservation is hard to give up. Letting others be in control is frightening. The moment he tries, he feels vulnerable, confused, even terrified. The old ways entice him back because they are easier. Because changing habits is so difficult, you need to view change as a baby-step by baby-step process, strewn with failures.

 

Perseverance

Perseverance is needed when seeming failures and futility strike. You may do everything right, yet your child is implacable. What a challenge parenting is! No wonder God says, "You shall teach them diligently" (Deut. 6:7). God calls parents to persistence. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." Perseverance requires self-discipline. Be consistent; be persistent. At times, you may think that you have no more love to give. Do not believe your feelings. Love is not a feeling, but an action; a matter not of having but of doing (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

 

Hope

Willfully trust in God's sovereignty, wisdom, and goodness. The composition of your family is not an accident. This child is a gift from God for the spiritual welfare of the whole family, that you all might be drawn to Him. You trials also are a gift that God intends for your good (James 1:2-3). Godly hope pursues truth and compassion and trusts God with the results.

Practical Steps That Structured Our Home

I have sinned while parenting. I have wanted to give up. I have parented correctly with no behavior results. I have parented wrongfully with behavior results. I have been on a journey of being the parent God wants me to be and leaving the child's behavior in God's hands. I wish I had read, studied and applied the truths written above in the beginning of my journey. Oh, Linda Rice, why did you not write this book sooner! Buy the book here!

Our success in this area have come with VERY consistent structure. So consistent that the structure and diligence has been habituated in my parenting. Even when not needed providing boundaries and checking them comes as naturally as breathing. I have learned and had much practice in just simply and plainly calling out sin in truth and issuing an already established consequence. Instead of yelling and huffing and puffing about "did you steal this?", "how could you?", "I know you did, don't lie!", "why do you keep doing this?", I can calmly point out, "I found a stolen item, this item is evidence of theft." No argument needed. Consequences may change as the sin progresses but there is always a foreknowledge that a consequence will come if theft continues. Here are some consequences specifically for theft that we personally followed through on:

Pay Back Seven Fold

"Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy himself when he is hungry; But when he is found, he must repay sevenfold; He must give all the substance of his house" (Proverbs 6:30-31). When one of our children stole a bag of chips from the teacher's lunchbag in her desk, that child was then responsible to save up money to buy her 7 bags of chips.

Provide No Excuse

The main thing our children took was food. Mostly from the cabinets at home, but sometimes at school and public stores. We wanted them to know that we understand their need to feel fed due to their past. Although food was not allowed in their rooms, a hungry child could always come to the dining table where two choices of healthy snack or crackers were kept for midnight cravings. At our house these snacks were NEVER eaten or even opened. However evidence was constantly found in the sweets cabinet. Sprinkles or reward M&Ms would be strewn all over the kitchen, all baking ingredients eventually went missing, new peanut butter jars continued to be empty, and any candy gone.

 

Desire Received

After MANY previous instances with one child they were told you will receive what you want if you would only ask. Often a child with attachment issues will REFUSE to verbally ask for help or request a want. The child will obtain what he wants by his own way. That child stole an entire bag of baking chocolate chips and ate a handful before evidence was found. It was explained that we would have loved to give that child what they wanted if only they would ask. Stealing is making your desire known. So instead of enjoying the nutritious meal we were eating for dinner this child was served their choice of food -- chocolate chips. Believe it or not the child never stole food again and began asking for a treat when they felt a craving for something sweet.

 

Protect Others' Belongings

We had a few stolen items (non-food) found and began doing pocket and backpack checks often throughout the day. Any items would be returned quickly before they were hidden in child's room. Eventually the pocket checks became burdensome and the child was told the next item found will result in loss of pocket privileges. Well, that item was a yo-yo I found in the dryer that was not bought or gifted to the child. That instance required no words, just scissors and all the pants in the child's closet. This did not cure the heart that wanted to steal but did provide me some temporary relief of pocket checks.
Eventually those pants were out-grown and larger-sized pants with pockets replaced. The child was warned if these new pockets were used for theft they would have the responsibility to sew every single pocket shut so I wouldn't have to cut them again (I felt really bad when donating the previous pocket-less pants and the unsuspecting new owners would be denied pocket privileges). Unfortunately it is hard to break old habits and when desire tempted theft won. That week was homeschool sewing class. All pockets were to be sewn up properly by Friday if child wanted to participate in Friday Family Movie Night. Pockets are a privilege.

Keep Honest Children Honest

Although we have alarms on our children's doors for different reasons (runaways, destruction of property overnight, preventing any sexual sin they may have been exposed to, etc.) they did come in handy in keeping honest kids honest. If you come out of your room at night just to pee, when I am awakened by the alarm and standing in the hallway to see you coming out of the bathroom, instead of snooping in the pantry, I can praise you for being honest. The alarms were not a discipline but a sin deterrent and a help to us parents to stay consistent in our re-training.

Oh, dear parent, my heart yearns to give you a one-size-fits-all fix. A bandage to take away all hurt, fear, and anger that grows fruit of theft, deceit, and manipulation. But there is hope! With Jesus there is always hope. You will not always handle to situation correctly, free from fleshly anger. You will sin as your child sins. But we find forgiveness, and because we are forgiven, we forgive. Dwell on the good, correct the bad, stay consistent, hold firm, persevere in love and have fun with them while they are still kids!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

What Does the Bible Say About Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD?

I am eating up a book that our pastor gave to us to deal with some very difficult and painful behaviors we have been experiencing since our children came to us. It is Parenting the Difficult Child and offers a biblical perspective to Reactive Attachment Disorder. My children are not officially diagnosed with RAD but when I was desperate one night to figure out my children's behaviors I began googling them and found my behavior searches always led to websites about RAD. We see or have seen all these listed behaviors in some form or fashion in our home over the past two years. All my google searching led me to very hopeless lists of behaviors I would encounter and I couldn't find any Godly counsel on the subject anywhere. The author of the book I am reading, Linda Rice, is excellent at helping her readers understand the whole picture of why these hurting children now hurt others. This is the list of typical RAD behaviors and her addition of "looking at the behaviors through a biblical lens."

This is a list compiled from three different charts in the book (pg. 17-20, 24-28, 29-33): 

Typical RAD Characteristics:

 Sleep Problems
Sleepwalking, Nightmares or Night Terrors, Bedwetting, etc.

 Lack of Eye Contact
Eye contact is excellent only when the child is manipulating or is extremely angry. Otherwise, contact is avoided by averting or rolling the eyes, or by rapid blinking.
Biblical Lens: Averting the eyes can be a fear reaction (Exod. 3:6), a sign of guilt feelings (Ezra 9:6-7), a way to hide desires that the eyes might reveal (Prov. 6:13; 16:30), or a method of manipulation (Prov. 6:25). Perhaps there is an abiding shame from guilt over infractions never rectified. Eye contact communicates awareness of the other person, so lack of eye contact can be a method of alienation, revenge, hurting the other, or conveying disrespect (Ps. 27:9; Prov. 30:17; Isa. 1:15). 

Resists Affection on Parents' Terms
Affectionate touching and hugs are verbally and physically rejected. The child stiffens, pulls away, or turns the face away from a kiss on the cheek. Hugging a RAD baby can be like hugging a board. Gifts are often rejected. Praise and affection do not build reciprocity; he does not unconditionally give affection or gifts to family members.
Biblical Lens: Risk of pain from loss of relationship may be avoided by rejecting present relationships. Refusing to be affectionate can also be a method of revenge or a rejection of authority (Luke 15:28-30; Matt. 23:37; Luke 7:32)

Inappropriately Demanding and Clingy
Although he resists parental affection on the parents' terms, he will, in his own timing, initiate ultra cuddly-sweet, even desperate, hugs.
Biblical Lens: A child's rebellious behavior can induce guilt feelings or at least reap negative consequences. By showing extremely affectionate behaviors, the child can persuade himself that he is not so bad after all, even if the affection is all show and no heart (Luke 6:46). Shows of affection can manipulate attention from others. Demanding love on his terms puts him in control. If authorities do not cooperate, their seeming unkindness becomes the brush from painting them as mean (Luke 7:32). Then he can justify defiance and his demand that giving and receiving affection be on his terms.

Superficially Engaging and Charming
The child presents himself as mannerly, cute, sweet, bubbly, demure, cuddly, adoring, or helpless. He will laugh, hug intensely, rub his cheek on the adult's hand, and even cling to new acquaintance with appealing possessiveness. Shy or bold, RAD children are shrewd analysts of others and calculate precisely how to get whatever response they want.
Biblical Lens: Charm can be a deceitful way of getting something without showing one's true thoughts or desires (Prov. 2:16; 12:2; 29:5; 31:30). Attention received can temporarily dull the ache of loneliness. Fleecing another person can spark a thrill (Prov.9:17). It can also inspire a sense of achievement and/or control. One motivation that is likely not at the base of attention-oriented behaviors (clinging, affection toward strangers, charm) is desire for approval. This child is the card shark, not the circus clown. He wants control, the fleece, the ally, or validation of how mean and inept his authorities are.

Phoniness, Deceitfulness
The unattached child diligently studies people and practices how to con others. He tells others what he thinks they want to hear. He becomes so skilled at an appearance of normalcy that is may be months before a person realizes he has been emotionally duped. The constant phoniness creates a sense of disconnect or remoteness in relationships.
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is similar to that above. Hypocritical love (Rom. 12:9) fakes relationship without commitment; it keeps the other at arm's length. It keeps up appearances while the person also covertly pursues his own agenda. Jesus addressed the phoniness of people's supposed close relationship with God when He said, "Why do you call me Lord, Lord and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46).

 Poor Peer Relationships
The antisocial child is usually a loner even if he appears to be friends with everyone. He tends to play with younger children because peers avoid him and younger children are more easily manipulated. He lacks long-term childhood friends.
Biblical Lens: Any child who is centered on protecting himself, his rights, and his possessions, and on trying to control others, is going to have problems keeping friends (Prov. 13:10; 16:28). A loner is selfish (Prov. 18:1).

Abnormal Speech Patterns
The unattached child speaks not to communicate but to control. A favorite technique is mispronouncing a word so that the adult will correct him. Slurring, mumbling, and nearly inaudible speech keep adults asking "What?" Yet, enunciation is crystal clear during an angry outburst. Giving ambiguous, rather than direct, answers to questions keeps adults probing for information. Other techniques include squeaks, forced laughter, incessant laughter, and incessant chatter. Nonsense question, questions about the obvious, or questions that make others feel awkward are also utilized.
Biblical Lens: Speech and language abnormalities, like persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter (Prov. 10:8, 19), are an easy and effective control method. The book of Proverbs is packed with verses on foolish and manipulative speech.

Learning Problems
RAD children have trouble learning, so they test out at a lower level than their age mates.
Biblical Lens: While some RAD children truly have learning problems, the learning problem of many is simply that they refuse to learn. Quickness to learn what they want belies test results indicative of retardation or learning disabilities. There may be several reasons for the refusal to learn. A child obsessed with safety is too distracted to learn and avoids risk of failure (Matt. 25:24-25). Learning is hard work. An appearance of being stupid can dupe others, possibly inducing teachers and parents to reduce the work load and expect less (Prov. 12:20). Learning situations are opportunities to play control games (Prov. 9:17;10:23; 26:18-19). Some people take delight in showing contempt for knowledge (Prov. 1:22, 25). Whatever the reasons, learning time is wasted and education lost. Then, it can appear that the child is less intelligent when the real problem is refusal to learn (Prov. 1:7; 22).

Abnormal Eating Patterns
Patterns include stealing and hiding food, hoarding and gorging, refusal to eat, and eating strange things.
Biblical Lens: Fear and revenge can motivate stealing and hoarding (Luke 12:18). Eating odd things may stir a sense of control over natural reactions, produce a thrill, or gain attention. 

Theft, Pointless Theft
Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people. 

Destructive to Self, Others, Property, Cruelty to Animals
A RAD child recklessly desregards safety and appears to have no fear of dangerous situations such as cliffs and fire. Tolerance for pain is unusually high. Hurting oneself may be intentional. Hurting others is sport. The RAD child will deliberately be a nuisance, and bully, terrorize, and humiliate others. He underhandedly stirs trouble with others in a way that they are blamed. Vandalism may include anything from adorning the wall with mucous, to punching holes in walls, to arson. Animal cruelty is common. Because the child is so cunning , violent acts are seldom seen or appear to be accidents. If the child is accused, blame is effectively shifted to someone else.
Biblical Lens: Anger commonly leads to destructive behaviors. Revenge motivated Esau to plot to kill Jacob (Gen. 27:41). Fear could be the motive when there is a desire to avoid discovery of a crime. The Pharisees plotted Jesus' death to avoid facing the truth about Him. Cruelty to animals can excite a sense of power (control) or be a convenient and "safe" outlet for anger.  

Preoccupation with Blood, Gore, Fire, Weapons
Depending upon the severity of the disorder, the child will be more or less obsessed with those things associated with evil. Drawings go beyond those of dragons and demons to incorporate blood and gore, and can be frightening. Girls and boys may be overly fascinated with uncouthness, sensuality, and promiscuity at an unusually young age.
Biblical Lens: The child who is afraid will think about what he can use to protect himself (Matt. 12:14; 26:4-5, 59; 27:1-2). The child who is angry plans how to get revenge.

Difficulty Learning from Mistakes
No matter the consequences given by parents and society, the child will continue the behavior. He does not learn from positive or negative reinforcements.
Biblical Lens: Proverbs 27:22 describes the RAD child when it says, "Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him." The foolish accounts that he wants is worth suffering the same consequences repeatedly. Habits are hard to change. 

Poor Impulse Control
A RAD child may speak kindly one moment, viciously the next. He may steal one moments, be generous in the next.
Biblical Lens: Often, when people are feeling afraid or furious, they do not think logically. They react impulsively (Prov. 12:16, 18; 17:14). Lack of self-control becomes a habit. 

Intense Control Battles
The antisocial child works persistently to wrest control of the household away from the parent. He behaves well when he wants something. Otherwise, testing, bossiness, arguments, baiting others, and pushing the limits continue unendingly. Every conversation is a manipulation opportunity. He pretends to not hear, not understand, or to misunderstand. A simple morning greeting might be delayed, dramatized, normal, a deliberate snub, a contemptuous grunt, a glare, a burst of laughter, or an antagonistic "What do you want?" A minute incident may start a control battle that continues unresolved for hours or days. He is as likely to sabotage a fun game as he is to participate.
Biblical Lens: For the child who is afraid, control of others produces a sense of power and invulnerability. For the child who is angry, provocations can achieve revenge. Besides, contest can be fun. That is why people play games and sports. Some people enjoy wrangling over words (2 Tim. 2:14, 16, 23), so Paul warned Timothy to not get caught up in it. Like a coal to fire is a RAD child to strife (Prov. 26:21; 17:19); he is constantly hot to spark a fight for control.

Hypervigilance/Hyperactivity
Hyperactivity, hypervigilance, and anger are common.
Biblical Lens: Someone who feels constantly threatened, who feels driven to maintain control, must be always on the alert. Hypervigilance keeps him attuned to people. For example, feeling threatened, the Pharisees watched Jesus, spied on Him, and tried to trap Him (Matt. 20:19-20). Like a boxer, the hypervigilant person studies others to find weaknesses and stays ready to seize opportunities. 

Chronic Lying, Lies About the Obvious
Lying is highly skilled, chronic, blatant, and sometimes so ridiculous that the child seems unaware of reality. With his hand in the cookie jar, the child will answer, "What jar?" Lying is not reserved only for escape from trouble. It is a lifestyle. The child may lie about the color of the shirt he is wearing or who was at the birthday party, lying when it gains him nothing and when telling the truth would require less effort.
Biblical Lens: Lies ward off punishment and guilt and keep others baffled. The Pharisees lied to themselves, and lied to others by refusing to answer when they did not want to admit to the obvious (Luke 20:1-8). Lying may arise from an abiding sense of guilt. "The wicked flee when no one is pursuing" (Prov. 28:1). Tricking others can also be a thrilling challenge. Whatever the reason, lying becomes an automatic reflex (Hosea 11:12-12:1).

Lack of Remorse, Seeming Lack of Conscience
When confronted with misbehavior, the child rationalizes, minimizes the harm he caused, shows total indifference, offers excuses, or blames the victim. Remorse is shown only to reduce or prevent punishment. He becomes insolent or furious if an authority expects him to admit wrongdoing. His actions are justified. The expectations of the victim and/or the authority are unreasonable.
Biblical Lens: Feelings of remorse are unpleasant, so people avoid them. A feeling of guilt implies a fault or weakness, which produces fear. Some people get angry at the idea of being wrong. The child becomes all the more desperate to rid himself of remorse feelings by justifying his actions. to the person who considers his own survival to be the ultimate value, it seems logaical that self-defensive behaviors must by rightful and good. With this view, the survivalist determines that he deserves what he steals or that he deserves the right of retaliation. People who love control will not care who they hurt to get the things they want (James 4:2-3). They will care more about keeping everyone under their control than about the basic needs of others (Matt. 9:9-13; 15:1-9; Luke 13:14). Examples of hardheartedness and shamelessness are throughout Scripture--Sodom, Esau, Pharaoh, Israel's child sacrifices, the Pharisees. In these examples, people demanded to do what they wanted without responsibility to any authority for it.

Refusal to Request Help
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is not listed in RAD literature. I have added it based upon my own observations only because I think it is an indicator of an underlying attitude essential to the child's alienation. The observation is, an antisocial child obtains what he wants by his own way (through power or manipulation) or else not at all. Just like the angry people described in James 4:2-3, he will suffer loss or pain rather than ask for help, or even for simple wants like a toy or an outing. This trait is easily missed, probably because absence of something is harder to spot than its presence. It takes time for parents to realize how often they think, "I would love to have given him that, if only he would tell me what he would like to have. If only he would ask." It is an important piece of the puzzle because it silently shouts, "I don't need you!" A RAD child appears determined to trust in only himself (Prov. 3:5; 16:25; 28:26).

In summary,
From babyhood RAD children develop a pervasive emotional self-sufficiency. Key characteristics include drive for control, hypervigilance, and lack of conscience. Most criminals or rebellious people usually maintain a loyalty to someone, friend or family. RAD children retain no loyalties and exercise a disregard for, and violation of, other people.
Biblical Lens: Our psychological labels are manmade categorizations. Even though the Bible speaks to every human condition, it would be impertinent to demand that it fits out categories. We must find our solutions in the Bible's categories, not vice versa. What people do and say expresses something about their heart desires. Major themes for a RAD child include self-preservation (selfishness), control, fear and anger, bitterness and brooding, and making emotional rather than rational decisions. Over all, the characteristics fit what the Bible calls an "angry man" (Prov. 29:22). Another pertinent big-picture label that accompanies and facilitates anger might be "he who separates himself" (Prov. 18:1), which we might abbreviate "alienated."  

From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice

If you find yourself dealing with children with attachment disorders or see these behaviors daily and sometimes hourly in your home buy this book! It has been such an encouragement to me and I keep it as a guide to refer back to constantly to point myself and my children to when and how these behaviors and motives played out in the bible and how God handled it. I have been on a short, yet very hard, journey and have changed my way of looking at parenting. For some real posts on RAD, I have two posts that describe some of the behaviors we have met on this journey, see Pursue Me and The Story of a Wicked Woman.

 Glorious Hope of Redemption 

There is hope for the child habituated to fear, anger, and control! Antisocial behaviors can become features of the past! How can that change be effected? It starts with salvation. God promises that when someone agrees that he has sinned and deserves punishment, commits to the truth that Jesus is the Son of God, and repents from self to trust in Christ's redemptive work on the cross, God cleanses him from sin and gives a new heart that desires to please Him (Ezek. 36:25-26; 2 Cor. 5:9). With the new heart comes the ability to renew the mind (Eph. 4:22-24). Through God's Word, the child can learn and believe the truth about his world, himself, and God, and change his desires. The Bible shows how to throw away old tools of controlling the situation and pick up God's tools for handling trouble effectively. He can decide that when fears arise, he will run to God rather than to his own coping strategies (Psalm 18:2; 56:3). When anger boils, he will put on self-control instead (Gal. 5:19-23).  

Change of environment helps a great deal. Parents and counselors can influence him by modeling love and the joy of fellowship with God. They can teach truth and gently challenge or correct misperceptions by a calm, logical application of Scripture. They can patiently provide reward and disciplinary consequences. Prayer is essential. Loving parents can woo a child to choose to change.  

From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice, pages 52-53.

I am no longer parenting for my kids, to give my them the best life they could have or making sure they are changing their behavior, I am now parenting for me, to practice putting on fruits of the Spirit when, not if, I am tempted and tried by behaviors and conform more and more to the image of Jesus Christ alone.

Click here for a blog post on how I found: 

Healing in the Hurt (Battling fear, anger and bitterness while parenting RAD)

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone