I Wasn't on the Adoption Train: A Husband’s View on Adoption.

I guess it is time for me to write on the husband’s perspective in the foster/adoptions that we have done. My heartfelt prayer is for you to first go to the Lord and ask Him to open your eyes and heart to what you are about to read.
 
Was I always on the adoption train with my wife?
No, there was so much to consider like finances, questions about whether we could conceive, what would the adopted child think, and was this truly "our" calling? Did I feel adoption was right….of course….at the right time. All that being said, I had to stop my compartmentalizing of the situation and search the scriptures to see what God says.

What is the husbands role and seeking wise counsel? 

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Eph 5:25)

"Got it" you say? What does that verse truly mean? Christ gave Himself up for the church….His life…the cup did not pass from Him….sacrifice. Jesus was also in prayer continually with the Father.

The final decision is the husband’s right?

"Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Eph 5:21)

Husbands are the head of the household, but what does that truly mean? That means the final responsibility falls on our shoulders in regards to all decisions. Does that entail being a dominant force with final say and everyone bows to your will? Absolutely not! First, ultimately we are managers or stewards of our household that will be responsible to Christ. Many times we can be easily swayed to look around us to others for a gauge as to how we are doing. But we have the manual of how we measure up in our management role in the Word of God.

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Josh 24:15b)

To clarify, Christ is head over you, next comes you, and then your wife. So you ultimately are responsible to Christ for decisions of your house. Do you contain all knowledge? No, only God does and that is why we are called to seek wise counsel and hearken to the wisdom of a godly woman (see Prov 31). So when that question arises or the thought of adopting/fostering, go to the Lord, seek wise counsel (your wife included), and then come to a decision. Remember, you should be able to point to Scripture in your decision so that you and your wife may be at peace.

 

  

But God made me more level-headed and she gets emotional…
Okay, but my wife gets emotional about orphans and I can’t jump every time she gets emotional about something…I would have 20 kids, 10 puppies, and many other "whims" in the house. Let’s return to God’s Word.

"The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain." (Prov 31:11)

 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Prov 18:22) 

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'" (Gen 2:18).

The world tells us that women are on a totally different plane then men, but where the world says just cope with the difference…the Bible says God created the differences. God made Eve as a helper to Adam. Women are not a clone of men, but a compliment. We see the technical aspects and she sees the emotional aspects. We think in the black and white and she sees the color. She dreams it and we build it. Amazing how this works! She is better at child raising and we are great at providing. She has the heartache for the orphan and we have the ability to make it possible.

She is a sister in Christ that has just as much value to God. God may be reaching the "mother" with the call to adoption because He knows her heart is in tune with that call as the maternal one. Husbands, your wives are there to be a helper. God gave them to us for another perspective. As much as you might feel you would have the pangs of desiring a child, she does. Listen to her and then be the encourager, helpmate, and spiritual leader we are called to be.

But we have circumstances…

I know there are "what if" questions like….

How can we swing this financially? If one of you needed $5000 to live in 30 days, then you would find a way to cut costs or make it happen. The same with the orphan…is it important?

What if we wait for natural children, maybe we could foster/adopt later? Is that your decision without prayer and counsel?. If your wife has an impulse for a good thing (helping, adopting, serving, etc) maybe we should stop the "we will do it later" mentality and pray. Satan does not give warm-hearted, kind or sacrificial impulses. Don’t be like the followers of Jesus (Matthew 8:19-22) who gave circumstances as the excuses they could not follow Christ right then.
What about the questions from others? Honestly, stop worrying what others might say or think. We live in a world where children are viewed as a burden (opposite of what the Bible says). A world that flaunts the less children you have the more you can do (not the sacrificial life of the Bible). The Word says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." (Ps 127:3).

The timing is wrong! I guess God made a mistake and gave your wife a heart for the orphan a few years early? Is He not sovereign? Does He not take care of even the lilies of the field?

We sponsor an overseas child, so we are doing our part. There is nothing wrong with sponsorship through one of the Christian organizations out there, but cutting a check (more likely auto drafting) $30 a month to "love" a child is not sacrificially, biblical love.

What about birth order or how they will effect or family? See our post on birth order here. As for the future effects on other children that is in the department of God's sovereignty and prayer. There are many other outside influences that also affect your children, but we are to walk with them instructing them in the Word of God and love. The Word also does not say "care for the orphan" only if the kids are gone (James 1:27). 

  

Trust me, I was that guy.

I even went so far as to think that maybe the foster kid would think that we only fostered because we didn’t have any kids of our own. Pretty detailed thinking, but again that is the way a guy thinks. We can spend our whole life with "what-ifs" and truly get nothing done for the kingdom of God.

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice." (Prov 12:15)

So is adoption for everyone? Yes, everyone should be involved in adoption somewhere, somehow. The Scriptures do not say "Only certain people care for the orphan", but calls for ALL believers to. If God isn't calling your family to adopt then come alongside a family as a support, invest time, invest love, but sacrifice more than the price of a dinner. If you have the ability to foster or adopt then do it! 

Pray about it….together. Go to God's Word. And seek your wife's wise counsel. ;)


Posted by Brian
To God be the Glory!

Debt or not to Debt?

If you haven't read the previous post, then this will seem like a rant :) Click here for previous post

I'm Brian, the husband of this big, multi-colored family. I felt like posting to clarify the decision making behind our focus on becoming debt-free. In April, we went to a Christian home school conference (ATI, click here for previous post) and we met many families who were debt free. The wives and children talked about how it brought their family closer and how they serve the Lord together. Smiles and contentment are great, but the word of God stands the test of time. Here are my thoughts and findings:

“The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.” Proverbs 22:7

A focus on anything in itself can become idolatry. Even good things can be hoisted to take over the focus of our hearts and minds. The focus on getting debt free is due to our love for God, not the dream to be rich, carefree, or slothful. When God talks about debt it is in a negative context and our desire is to glorify Him.

God also calls me as a father to be a discipler of my wife (Eph 5:26) and children (Deut 11:19), to reflect Christ through an outpouring of love and sacrifice for my family. This can come in many forms. Work being one and life together being the other.

By working I show my children and family the value of hard work. and what it means to work as unto Christ. However today in America work has been turned into something to pay the bills and for some a place to get self worth. The job ultimately becomes your family due to needing to pay down the debt you incurred. Sadly the roles we are called to by God are skewed. The focus on debt, job, stress takes our view away from our family and even more importantly God Himself. The scriptures speak clearly of fleeing debt.

"Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law." Romans 13:8

God sees us for the sinners we are. He knew that we would stray to worship things that we feel will satisfy us. He knew we would wade in the pools of debt even though He discourages it. He even set up requirements for loans in the Bible with a fair interest, or in the case of the poor no interest, and even a 7 year debt forgiveness (because Scriptures are clear that we shouldn't get ourselves into a debt we cannot guarentee to repay in 7 years). The borrower would become a servant to pay their dues (Click here for link to Five Biblical Principles about Borrowing). The main point is that debt is spoke of in a negative light. Due to the context of the Bible and my role as a father I really feel led to FLEE from debt. Debt free doesn't mean I will stop working and sit idle. God also speaks highly against slothfulness or laziness but there is a difference between going to the job with the focus on "how am I going to pay the bills" or "I need to make 45 hours this week" and going to a job because you love what you do and can truly focus on an opportunity to serve your Creator.

This is not a thought that quickly has popped into my head and been swiftly followed up on but a prayerful course since April.

I have sought wisdom and guidance from Christians who are living debt free. Their response was overwhelming! They spoke of how they could serve more, how they could financially help others and how freeing it felt.  I have also gotten feedback from those who aren't debt free. One of the hardest things with the shifting of a paradigm is that people who are still living in the old way of life (debt) may have a hard time visualizing a new way of life (debt-free). The main concerns sent to me as a father and husband are "is scaling down with a large family a good idea?" well, depends on your definition of "good". My kids will learn more about being good stewards of the money they've earned and we will most likely grow closer as we lay aside all the distractions that money affords. Also I would not be successfully married for 9 years without seeking the wise counsel of my wife before throwing her in an RV with 5 kids and saying, "See ya hunny, I'm off to work!". Another question I hear is "why not take it more slowly?" I reach back to the Bible where passages on debt speak of fleeing, "Deliver yourself like a gazelle from the hunter's hand And like a bird from the hand of the fowler" Proverbs 6:5. I could move slow, but I don't want to be a dead bird. Does that mean that people who might be concerned or not supportive of our debt-free journey are wrong? I would only respond with search the Scriptures and see where the Lord would lead you and your family. This is where the Lord has led us.

In 2 to 3 years we could be in a great situation. I hear from so many adults stories of being disappointed that their dad was so busy and never around. I don't want to be that dad. I want to be around. Not having to push in those extra hours each week to make our mortgage payment will make a big difference in my time with my family. Think of scaling back just 10 hours a week at work, that is 10 hours more to invest in the lives of your children and family. The joy and peace of coming home and not having to have a financial discussion of whether we can meet this month's list of bills, because if you think about it many couples list finances as their #1 reason for divorce.

The facts are this: My wife is important, my kids are a blessing not a burden, and I desire to focus my life on freeing my thoughts to God and not the things of this world.

Some may call me crazy. Some may call me careless. But it is not them who I answer to, it is my God. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.

Posted by Brian
To God be the Glory!