Pregnant Mama, Know That I Sorrowfully Rejoice With You!

 

"Lord, please give me the strength to rejoice and not cry," I whispered a silent prayer as I walked into a room filled with giddy smiles and pink balloons. Sweet little polka-dotted onesies were draped across the wall under large painted letters that spelt out this new blessing's name. The pain swelled deep within me like I had been punched in the gut. "Lord, please." I faked a smile, wishing desperately that my joy could be real. That I could truly be a Rom. 12:15 woman. A woman that thinks more of others happiness than her own sorrow. I held it together, ate hors d'oeuvres, complimented tiny pink gifts, skirted around the inevitable birthing conversations that I had never experienced and made it out without giving anyone a hint of the dark cloud that hung over me. When I finally made it back to my car that dark cloud burst into a pool of tears and loud sobs.

Infertility.

That word just drips sorrow. It is negative. Broken. Empty. Hopeless.

5 Years.

This month we say hello to our 5 year anniversary walking hand in hand with this awful word. We like the word "barren" better, but either way it means for 5 years God has shut my womb and we, as a couple, have not been able to conceive. We don't know whether our barreness is permanent or temporary, for only God knows.

I am not writing this so you can message me and tell me the story of your second, half-removed cousin's friend that got pregnant after 15 years of infertility. I am writing this for two reasons, one to scream from the rooftops that all you mamas currently walking through infertility, "I HEAR YOU! YOUR PAIN IS REAL! IT HURTS!" and second to help those of you not walking through it to maybe understand it just a little.

One thing I have learned while walking this dark and lonely road is that God does not promise us children (Anna is a barren woman in the bible that was never given the gift of pregnancy, click here). The same way He doesn't promise we will find a spouse (1 Cor. 7:8). Are these both good blessings? Absolutely. Are they promised in Scripture. No. Often in churches and communities well-meaning people ask these two questions with excitement. To the single, "so when are you going to get married?" and to the childless couple, "so when are you going to start having children?" Like I know when prince charming is going to come a knocking or when our egg and seed will finally combust into a tiny life. These questions are asked as if our completeness without these things is in question.

Our completeness is not found in our marriage or in our womb. Our completeness is found in Christ.

"For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been MADE COMPLETE, and He is the head over all rule and authority;" Colossians 2:9-10

We are complete in Christ. We don't need a husband to complete us, we are married to Christ. We don't need children to complete us, we are heirs with Christ, He will carry on His family name, we don't need to. Often not given the ideal gift of marriage or children we set up this little idol in our heart and we begin to worship this ideal rather that the One who designed it. It is difficult not to. Marriage and children are both good gifts. Blessings. They are good desires, but in our sinfulness we elevate them, are angry over not having them, envy others that do have them and sometimes will even sin to get them.  

In January 2010 Brian and I committed our family planning to God. We committed we would do NOTHING to prevent or promote pregnancy. We were acknowledging that God was in charge of our womb and we were going to trust Him. For five years since 2010 we have been open to any child God would give us.

God was faithful in our commitment and although He has not lifted our barreness He has given us the gift of fertility. We may be infertile in our bodies but God has given our hearts tremendous fertility through adoption!

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9

When we yielded our womb to God we yielded all our rights to say that whatever He chose to do, we would trust and worship Him. He is in control to the opening and closing of our womb. We figured since we were graciously surrendering our will that He would perform His will which happened to look very similar to our will in the first place. The thing with God is that He is God and we are not. Sometimes His will is to not give us our heart desires and (you know what?) He is still good.

But my grief and pain are REAL.

But grief, pain and sorrow, these emotions, they don't know theology. They are real, raw, founded, yet separate from the real knowledge of the goodness of God. We must inform our emotions, teach them, train them. The longer I walk through this path of hurt, the more time I have had to inform my emotions that while a good cry is founded and allowed, bitterness, anger and malice towards others experiencing what I am not is NOT allowed. Grief, pain and sorrow are a soil that the weeds of bitterness and anger love to grow in! We must be on guard. When my mourning is stirred I must reject all thoughts of bitterness.

My hurt over my womb not opening doesn't leave me, I am stuck on this path until I am released to another. I will carry my grief just as those who have lost a loved one. I lost something on this path. I had to grieve the loss of my ideals and imagination of the little baby (or babies) that I expected to bear with my own body. I have laid to rest the image of two lines on a stick, the image of my belly growing big with life, the image of our newborn baby gasp for their first breath of air. Infertility is a loss no one can see but can consume many women just as loss of a living, breathing loved one can.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Think if someone lost their husband they may weep at a wedding, remembering the love they had and lost. They don't envy or hate your marriage they just are missing theirs. They sorrowfully rejoice with you. If someone lost their child just before that child's 7th birthday party, they may be greatly impacted with grief when attending your child's 7th birthday party. They don't wish your child the same outcome but the memories of a celebration never able to be celebrated will bring great mourning. They sorrowfully rejoice with you.

So please know, pregnant mama, that I am rejoicing with you!

(Picture Commentary: This picture is of a mural I painted for an amazing friend's nursery. We walked our first 1.5 years of infertility together, then she conceived a baby girl! I was so excited for her I spent 50+ hours in her house painting!)


I love feeling the life growing and kicking in your belly. I love witnessing the glow you carry with you. I love hearing you expectantly speak of that sweet baby inside you. I love celebrating this new life with you and being invited to your baby shower celebration. I love you. So I rejoice with you.

But please don't think any of my love changes if I cry (as I am crying now as I write this). Please don't be mad if I excuse myself from the room when the birthing stories that I have never experienced go on and on. Please don't be mad if I cry and am deeply pained when your belly is big and bursting full of the life mine has not ever seen. Please don't be mad if I weep at your baby shower, a celebration I have never been celebrated. Please know that I do rejoice with you, I sorrowfully rejoice!

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I could shut myself up, refuse to touch another growing belly, refuse to attend any future baby showers and some how hope to keep myself from any pain or emotions that may be stirred up by these things. But know that you, pregnant mama, are more important to me than my pain. Showing you love, in the way God shows me love, means more to me than my grief. Rejoicing with you is chosen over my weeping, dear friend. I sorrowfully rejoice with you, at the great blessing you are receiving that I have lost.

"As an example, brethren, of suffering and patience, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord’s dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful." James 5:10-11

God is still in control of my empty womb, no loss or grief can take away that comfort! God is good in all things.


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

Is "All You Need is Love" True in the World of Adoption?

 

Happy National Adoption Month!

Happy National Adoption Day!

When adopting any child other than a newborn infant you are often met with one of two responses. Response one is the I-know-someone-with-experience-but-have-none-myself response, "I knew a person that had a cousin whose brother adopted two older boys and they burnt the house down." Response two is the I-have-absolutely-no-experience-and-don't-know-anyone-who-does-response, "Oh, older adopted kids have problems but all they need is some love and snuggles!" We were met with both of these at the beginning of our adoption journey and neither are true. Well, I don't know if the person's cousin's brother really had their house burned down or not....

When beginning down this path labeled adoption let us be encouraged by the truth, educate ourselves and open our hearts to God for Him to supernaturally equip us through the trips, falls and fires we could not have planned for. Here are three very real facts about adoption:

1. Adoption is only necessary because a child lost the family they were born into. Whether due to their parent's death, an unwanted pregnancy, abandonment, neglect, abuse, or trauma remember that adoption is born in loss. We, as adoptive parents, are on the joyful side, saturated in the joy of growing our family, our children are swimming in the grief of losing theirs. Our compassion for their hurt is often what propels us to want to adopt them in the first place!
2. Children will act out and exhibit hard behaviors due to their struggle to walk through that loss. Think if a stranger came and took you away from your husband, your children, and your friends and dropped you off in another home, "I know you are sad to leave your family but this new family has been waiting and waiting for a new mommy and they are so glad you are here!" Don't you think you would act a little, or maybe a lot, crazy! Let our compassion perservere even when the trials of behaviors hit long and hard.
3. Children struggling with loss, grief, bonding and attachment will need more than just love. Yes, love is a huge key in their healing. The right kind of love. Not always huggy kissy love but a secure love. A love that says I am not going anywhere and there is nothing you can do that would take my love away. You can't steal enough, or lie enough, or run away enough to break my unending love for you. A love that is an action, a choice and a daily fight to put on. Besides an unshakable love these children may need some extra help from loved ones, friends, counselors and therapists. That is okay, because as they say, "it takes a village to raise a child." Don't be afraid to call on your village for help.

I have shared many of our struggles walking through the adoption story God has weaved for us. So many trying times that almost broke me to the point of quitting, of giving up. But hope shines through. Hope is not lost in adoption. There is an amazing event that transpires only through adoption. That is the reflection of what God has done for us. God had such a great compassion for us that "while we were yet sinners Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:8). Then although we are justified, although God has adopted us as His sons and daughters we still sin and behave contrary to His Word (Rom. 7:19). But God's love is unfailing and there is nothing that can pluck us out of His hand (John 10:28). "We love, because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19).


This is our adoption story told through 2 years of previous blog posts or videos:

• January 2012 - Why me, God?
• July 2012 - Our instant family video
• February 2013 - Our valentine's day adoption post and video
• March 2013 - Why we desire to go to the CAFO adoption conference
• May 2013 - Recollection of what we learned at CAFO adoption conference and memories of sending a difficult child away.
• September 2013 - A parable like story of a wicked woman, a king and adoption
• October 2013 - What does the bible say about RAD and attachment issues?
• January 2014 - It is not a good time to adopt again but we are doing it anyway
• February 2014 - I can't handle this thing called adoption anymore
• March 2014 - Adoption and birth order
• March 2014 - Adoption and fostering attachment through fostering pets
• March 2014 - Brian, my husband, didn't want to adopt, he wrote why
• March 2014 - Healing in the Hurt; Putting on love while battling behaviors that stem from attachment issues
• May 2014 - Our 2 year adoption anniversary
• October 2014 - We chose to love our adopted kids best when we love their birth parents

     (Picture: A friend's princess party where the kids dressed up as princesses, knights and....a Croom)

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

Fostering Attachment and Love

In our home we have older children that struggled with Reactive Attachment Disorder symptoms and behaviors for some time. In just three years those same children are well-adjusted, attached, and loving members of our family. Someone asked me recently how that could be? How are they healed and just like normal attached kids? RAD is supposed to haunt them for life. Their past cannot be undone.

No, their past will forever be a part of who they are but the hurt can be undone. First with the help of the true Healer, Jesus Christ, and second with consistent modeling and practicing what love really is.

Love does NOT mean you will never get hurt. Unconditional love means you WILL get hurt but you love anyway!

Three things we know about foster kids from hard places:

1. They have a difficult time trusting or attaching to adults in authoritative parental roles.
2. They have a difficult time connecting with and understanding their emotions.
3. They have a difficult time feeling, receiving, giving, or showing love.

As I said, foster children need consistent modeling and practicing what love really is. Due to what we know about them, that they have a difficult time trusting or attaching to adults in authoritative parental roles, even if we, as adults, are consistently modeling love it may not be accepted or trusted simply due to our role.

What now? How do we bypass #1 to begin kindling connections, correct emotions (#2) and love (#3)?

One of the biggest helps God laid on my heart was to continue to foster pets while fostering children. I was a foster parent to hundreds of furry little ones before my heart changed and bled for the hurting human foster children. Together with our children, over the past two years, we have fostered over 35 animals. We have fostered orphaned kitties and puppies, blind, mange-covered and skinny older dogs, and deathly sick cats. Fostering pets has lavished benefits on our family as our children were walking through the grief of their deepest hurts.

Four reasons why foster pets taught my children love better than I can:

1. Attachments are created to happen with babies, while they are still cute and cuddly.
2. Pets (Dogs specifically) can make known the hidden emotions of their owners and give them a voice.
3. Teaches love without segregation, love outside the limits of species, breed, or color. 
4. Death or adoption of a pet allows us, as parents, to walk with them through their loss. 

1. Attachments are created to happen with cute and cuddly babies.

Before kids, when I worked at an animal shelter, I remember seeing the old, quirky dogs and grumpy cats, filled with fear. I watched them as all with cute and cuddly puppies and kittens got adopted and these older pets were passed by. As a shelter worker these are the animals you spoil, take home on the weekends and hold lovingly, whispering that they are loved, when their time is up. What is it about newness and cuteness that draws a stranger's heart to fall in love. I have to tell you there is no redeeming qualities to a puppy or kitten other than they are SUPER cute! They pee everywhere and all the time, they chew and scratch and they don't listen but when they sleepily purr on your lap or lick your face you are helplessly smitten.

          

In foster children, empathy, nurture and affection can be kindled with cute babies in a way that cannot be displayed with us as adults. We are that old, quirky dog or grumpy cat waiting for love. We may be modeling and practicing love, wagging our tail and purring but there is just something that is sparked when cuteness is a factor. God designed babies to be cute for a reason!

Trials and hardships with pets, cleaning up messes or feeding and giving with no return on investment, can materialize what unconditional love truly means and looks like. It means loving even when time or money is lost and love is not reciprocated. Pointing out the child's unconditional love toward their pets can help them visualize our unconditional love for them despite their messes.

                                            

2a. Pets expose hidden emotions.

Authority in our lives is good (Romans 13:1-8). It holds us accountable and can be a huge help to us. When authorities put in place to care for us don't we are left hurt. Giving our children small roles of authority over furry helpless pets can open conversation about how wonderful God designed authority to be. God is our ultimate authority, always in perfect love, caring for us(Romans 9:19-21). Parents are the authority over their children, without anger, teaching and disciplining them (Ephesians 6:1-4). Humans are in authority over the animals, with good stewardship, caring for them (Genesis 1:26).

Foster children often struggle with control and lacking trust in their parental authorities. When in a relationship with a pet, the foster child can be in the controlling, authoritative role as the "parent". The foster child can control feedings, baths, training and affection. Please note, this role is guided by or taken over by the foster parent when the role is played with any anger or neglect. The foster child can be guided to be a calm and loving authority. Pointing out the child's success in fulfilling their role as a "foster parent" to this orphaned animal and explaining the appreciation this pet must have for them can rub off as the child's eyes and hearts are opened with appreciation toward their own foster parents. 

Dogs obey authorities (cats not so much). In a dog pack there will be one leader, the authority of the pack. This dog leader is always calm and assertive (as Cesar Millan would say). Dogs will not follow a sporadic, easily-angered, or fearful leader. A dog can often reflect the invisible emotions our kids have inside them. A mirror for their hearts. We can help our kids work out their emotions to practice a calm demeanor so they will enjoy their foster dog or puppy more.  

2b. Foster pets can give our foster kids a voice.

Kids who may not be able to put a labeled emotion on their feelings may be able to label the emotion of a foster pet. When the puppy is crying and howling the first new night in your home the child can label that the puppy is sad. We can develop conversation that relates to their own hidden emotions, "I bet you felt like this foster puppy the first night you came here, you felt sad right?" The conversation can escalate to reasoning behind those emotions. "The foster puppy is sad because he misses his mommy dog." "I bet you feel sad when you miss your mommy." Foster children can more easily verbalize what a foster pet may be feeling than their own emotions. Since the feeling are often mutual, they are essentially exposing their own emotions.

3. Love without boundaries.

When falling in love with a hurting and in need foster pet there is no segregation due to species, breed or color. We don't say, "You, little kitten, are not a human therefore I cannot love you." We love them fully, regardless of their difference of species. We don't say, "You, little puppy, are not my favorite breed of dog therefore I cannot love you." We love them fully, regardless of their breed. We don't say, "You, little bunny, are white and I only love spotted bunnies therefore I cannot love you." We love them fully, regardless of their color. Loving a cross-species pet can show that love crosses even the most difficult boundaries, that love knows no segregation (Galatians 3:28). We can show that just as their love can grow for a different species pet our love can grow for them regardless of their background, heritage or race differences. We see a need and we meet it, regardless of where they came from (James 1:27).

                                                

4. Foster pets allow loss and grief.

Death or adoption of a pet brings about a sort of planned loss and grief. A loss unlike their immediate, chaotic and tumultuous exit from their previous family. This type of loss allows understanding, processing and allows us to walk them through the stages of grief. This type of loss still hurts, sometimes deep, but to love unconditionally is to hurt. We don't refuse to help an injured foster pet for fear of death, we love and help them in their hurt even if death and loss is imminent. This type of controlled or planned loss can help bring back old losses and re-walk through that grief appropriately.

Adoption of a pet brings a good mix of grief and joy, a mix of loss and new life. Watching a once orphaned or hurting foster pet find an adoptive family makes real the joy and newness of adoption! It can also help a foster child sympathize with their foster parent if and when it comes time for the foster child to be reunited with their family. They can begin to see that the mix of sadness and joy can and sometimes do coexist.

Foster children with foster pets learn to love, lose and love again. Isn't that the cycle we want to culminate and grow in our children that are struggling to love after past loss and hurts?

 

The greatest thing about foster pets is they reflect God's perfect love for foster children and us.

If God loved these little furry creatures so much to send a rescue to them through children foster parents then how much more does God love these little helpless children to send a rescue to them through adult foster parents. (Matthew 10:29-31, Matthew 6:25-34)

In the same way, if God loved these little helpless children so much to send a rescue to them through adult foster parents then how much more does God love these adult, imperfect parents to send a rescue to them through His very own Son, Christ Jesus (Romans 5:6-8, Isaiah 40:26-31, John 3:16-18).

"We love, because He first loved us" - 1 John 4:19


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone