Though You Feel Inadequate, Small or Weak, Do You Trust Me?

"Today I am going to teach you to swim." Daddy says as he kneels down to meet his daughter's eyes.

"Oh daddy!?! But I am afraid I will drown and die for ever and ever if I even try to swim!" His daughter exclaimed as she threw herself into his arms.

"Can you trust me? Can you trust that I will catch you and hold your head above the waves so that you shall not drown and die forever and ever?" The corners of daddy's lips were curling into a smile before he repeated the last of his daughter's dramatic fate.

Daughter spoke softly before her lips grazed his cheek, "Yes daddy. I trust you." After some time had passed and they drove on and on daughter realized she did not recognize the surroundings passing by her window, "Daddy? I thought we would be going to the pool at the community center? Aren't you going to teach me to swim today?"

"Yes, but we aren't going to the pool. We are going to where the rocky ledge meets the ocean." Daddy pronounced without hesitation.

Daughter's imagination exploded as she painstakingly tried to remember this place her father spoke of, "I don't think I have been there before, daddy." Before daddy could answer they had arrived at the aforesaid rocky ledge and daughter's imaginations and fears revealed to be true. Daddy slowly navigated down the rocks and into the angry waters. He beckoned for daughter to come to the cliff's ledge and jump.

Daughter looked down at her daddy's small, distant body below with his arms outstretched toward her but then her gaze was deterred as she caught glimpse of the jagged rocks one upon the other down, down, down where they were met with crashing, thundering waves violently thrashing about. Her daddy was in the midst of it all still calmly beckoning her to come. The daughter's eyes grew wide and her body stiff as fear gripped her every member and her lip began to quiver. "Daddy, I can't." She cried as loud as she could.

"Do you trust me?" Daddy yelled over the ferocious beating of the waves. Daughter trusted her daddy with every ounce of her being. She loved him dearly and would follow him to the ends of the earth. So why this hesitation now? Why the lack of faith in her faithful daddy?Why the lack of trust in her never-promise-breaking father? Daughter quickly swallowed her emotions, informed her fears, closed her eyes and let her body leap off the rocks solid ledge and felt the wind and cool water splashing against her face as she fell down, down, down to the hurling waves below.

Her father beamed proudly as he held his daughter's feather-light body above the water and coached her on breathing, kicking, staying afloat and all things swimming.

Suddenly a gigantic wave ambushed them hiding them both under it's flood of water. Daughter gasped for air struggling for all her might. She finally felt her daddy's hands around her waist, "Daddy!!! I can't! This is too much for me and I thought you were gone."

"Do you trust me? Daughter, even if you don't see me for a time, I am here. I will not leave you."

The light glazed over the clouds in a palate of red, yellow and orange. Before their long drive home daddy and daughter enjoyed the quiet, sparkling sunset. "Daddy, why didn't we just go to the pool where it is safe and fun and where I wouldn't be afraid?"

"Oh Daughter, this was all just a picture to point you to God. One day God, your heavenly Father, may call you to scary and turbulent waters and I want you to obey and trust Him with the same faith that you trust me, your earthly father. I want you to know that when you feel overwhelmed and struggling and when the waves seem to take you under and you can't see Him, He will still be there upholding you with His strong arm. When people see one who is weak and small swimming in these impossible waters they will see and glorify your powerful Father in heaven who is your help! Do not be afraid, dear daughter, for your God will never leave you or forsake you. Swim strong for Him in this life in the same way you swam for me today."

This analogy or parable came to me as I sat in the bathroom late at night this past week, crying out to God to show me what I am to do. I was letting Him know how scared, weak and little I felt. How inadequate and ill-equipped I felt about doing what I felt He was asking me to do. He answered me quickly. I had to jump up and grab a pen and paper as a story poured out and filled a blank page. God was asking me to jump.

Just jump. Think later. Ask later.

But now, just swallow my fear, extend trust, obey His still, small voice and jump. Jump I did.

"Okay God, I trust you to catch me."

An amazing peace came over me and this past weekend. Grace was utterly poured out over me and pumped through my veins! Tough days will come for sure but, for now, for this day, My grace is sufficient for you.

God confirmed so many of the teachings in my heart through our pastor's sermon this past Sunday.

Watch if you want to be encouraged and challenged.

Here is a snippet:
"Serving God is about to become joyful for one woman and painful for another..."I am a bondslave of the Lord," she says, "I am owned by Him, I have no life outside of Him." That's what it means to be a bondslave. Mary is acknowledging that that is her position before God and if this is what God has for me than that is what I will do. His will be done in my... life. She does not question, she does not say, "I'll do it as long as it does not mess up my wedding plans." She doesn't say any of those things.

You have to ask yourself, "Would I still serve God if He did that to my life all of a sudden? If there was some unexpected event that came into my life, would I still be a bondslave of God? Would I still be willing to say, Thy will be done? Or would I hold on to my agenda and say, "No God, I have to think about this one, God. As long as it fits in with my plans, yes, but if it doesn't I am most likely not willing to go along." I fear too many of us would have that perspective. As long as it is what I want. As long as all the circumstances are right. And all the questions are answered then I'll do what you want.

A bondslave does not think like that." -Pastor Rod Bunton

Luke 9:23 "And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me."

And the sermon keeps going and gets better! Set aside an hour and watch it :)

Then just following that amazing sermon our church held a beautiful adoption shower to honor Brittney, who is soon to join our family!

Last Sunday our church, Grace Church, lavished their love and grace on our family through throwing a beautiful shower honoring our upcoming adoption of Brittney! She is already so loved by our church family that we cannot wait for her to join our family! I hope to share more pictures of the adoption shower later in a full blog post. Here is a little snippet of what I shared at the shower while telling more about Brittney and speaking about how God is working in our life through this adoption:

"God has taught us a lot since that initial call in January where I shook with shock, "Lord, You wouldn't call us to parent a special needs child, would you?" I pleaded my case, "Lord, I don't fee worthy of the ones You already placed in our care, how can I rise up to care for one even more needy?" My lips kept our commitment as I uttered, "Yes, we will take her." but my heart raced, my thoughts presented excuse after excuse and my eyes opened the floodgates of worry. I am normal, made of flesh, weak and seeking the path of least resistance. But God had great grace and favor on me and, ever so gently, is teaching me, again, what His great and boundless love looks like.

Love sees past our abilities or disabilities, but sees in us intrinsic value because we are made in the image of our Creator. Love sees past our blemished history, but sees our future hope as adopted heirs to a Father of an extraordinary inheritance. Love see not the challenges too difficult to overcome, but sees a great Savior that has overcome all difficulties and that has lovingly bestowed His perfect strength and grace upon us.

God has turned that initial great fear into greater expectation. I stand here excited to tell you that this little girl is my future daughter. Despite her history of neglect God is writing her story of hope. Despite her languishing as an orphan in fostercare, God has not left her but has brought her a family. And despite her label as "unadoptable" she is wanted and dearly loved. Although, I would never wish another child to ever live through a story like Brittney's I do wish every child in her same plight had someone to rise up and say, "They are wanted and loved by God so we will love them and adopt them as our own!"


Posted by ShannonSoli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone 

Birth Moms, Adoptive Moms, Real Moms

After posting a picture with a short description on our Facebook page that gained  almost 1,000 likes, 100 comments and 200 shares, I feel compelled to share more information and expand upon my thinking. What was posted was 100% true and from my deepest heart affections. Here is the post:

"Today we attended a wedding. We sought counsel and over and over were advised not to attend. We were told it wasn't safe. People believed that it would be confusing. Brian and I prayed, as we usually do, that we would be open to God's direction even if it went against all human wisdom (there was a time we received the same negative counsel by well meaning Christians about accepting a 4th, 5th and ...6th child into our family).

After seeing the tears stream down her face and the joy she expressed at the sight of the blond 3 year old she gave birth to, God confirmed we had listened well. I am so thankful God grabbed a hold of my heart and led me courageously to attend Maggie's birthmom's wedding. I wasn't condoning her life choices but choosing to show her love and grace regardless of her behavior. God gave an overwhelming peace to my heart that no fear of man could shake. He had also orchestrated perfectly that in Maggie's "too big clothes bin" sat a beautiful flower girl dress that had been given to us when she was only an infant. It was too pretty to pass along before she could use it and when we dug it out it fit perfectly as if it was waiting there just for this moment!

Adoption is a unique journey and at times confusing. This little girl that I have raised and adore was not grown in my body. I will forever share her with another mother. While that thought could consume some with sadness it reminds me that it isn't love being shared as in separated but shared as in combined. My baby girl is loved twice! And when I adopted this little girl, I was not just given a daughter to love, but her mother to love also! We love our adopted kids best when we choose to love their parents!"

 If that post was true then what else do I feel compelled to share? There is a great tension between biblical truth and real experience. Both are 100% true yet can seem so opposite. I am going to attempt a balancing act of carefully upholding the unchanging truth of Scripture yet the always changing truth of emotional experiences. Let me explain using our FB post as an example. It is a biblical truth that God hates sin (Rom. 1:18), therefore we should strive to uproot any sin that takes us captive and avoid close relationships with unrepentant, habitually sinful people. We also know that God deeply loves sinners (Rom. 5:8), so much so that He took the payment for their sins upon Himself.

We see that the affects of sin cross generational borders. This in full display in the lives of our adopted children. A mama that drinks with a baby in utero may present us with a precious baby that struggles with FAS for the rest of their life. A mama that neglects the basic nutritional or hygiene needs of a child may lead to a us watching that child suffer a life of illnesses and deficiencies. A mama that makes choices that ultimately results in her not being able to carry out her role as mom and leads to her child being permanently removed from her care will almost always cause us to have to walk that child through attachment issues, which can include, mental or behavior issues and counseling or therapy for a length of time.

We also know that these mamas, whether they allow to sin to temporarily creep into their lives or are completely taken over by it, are still deeply loved by God. We know that God uses us to be His hands and feet and graciously gives us the strength to love people where they are. We see Jesus as our example talking to prostitutes and dining with tax collectors. (Luke 15: 1-10, Matt. 21:28-32, Mark 2:16-17, John 4, John 8:7)

Out of the deep love of our Father we stepped out in faith to show our love for a woman that has made decisions in her life that has resulted in her daughter being placed in our arms at just 6 weeks old. I made it my goal to show her nothing but kindness when I would bring this precious baby, that I was caring for and attaching to, to visitations. Then when the tables turned I reached out, confusing our case workers, for approval to write her during her prison sentence. We wrote almost a hundred letters back and forth during that 2 year sentence. I kept her updated on her baby's everchanging abilities and kept her 50 picture limit filled. Also, via letter, I had to inform her that her baby was going to become ours through adoption. A hard pill for any mom to swallow.

It was God's mercy filling my heart that compelled me to meet her at the bus station when she was released from prison and invited her to our church on Mother's day. As her old nature and ways began to creep back into her life due to her new found freedom, our contact became only through email. When we received a wedding invitation and request for Maggie to be the flower girl we were unsure what we should do. We didn't know the right answer and all the "what if"s we could think of began reeling through our minds.

There is an unhealthy fear of birth parents instilled in us from news stories, from a cousin's friend's brother's horrific experience and our own inexperience with this unique relationship. This fear is real, it is tangible, we can feel it. Fear can act itself out in many ways in our life. Fear can make us angry, paranoid, or unforgiving. While fear is a very real experience, let us move into the tension between experience and biblical truth. I am afraid, but God says, "do not fear" (Josh 1:9, Is. 41:10), "fear is not from God" (2 Tim 1:7), and "God is love" (1 John 4:8). While our emotions often want to take over we must "renew our minds daily" (Rom 12:2, Eph 4:21-24) to strive to stay in the tension. God is our protector and promises to go before us. Fear can stifle and even paralyze acts of love.

"God I am afraid (real experience), but you love this woman and promise to give me strength to love her (biblical truth)."

Click here for a blog post of a party with Titus' birth family.

So we attended a wedding. We chose love over fear. God confirmed we chose well but what should we think when real experiences begin taking over? The days after the wedding I had deep pangs of sorrow as I edited the photos and saw the same nose and smile I admire on my baby staring back at me on birth mom's face, not mine. We also had old behavior issues resurface in one child, another break down emotionally about missing their own birth mother and our littlest Maggie went through a bout of wetting. Some would ask, was it the right choice then?

True love is choosing to be vulnerable. True love is self-sacrificing, just as Jesus sacrificed all and bore much pain to show us the love we don't deserve (Is 53:4-5). Shouldn't we live out all that love is (patient, kind, content, humble, honoring, unselfish, slow to anger and forgiving 1 Cor 13:4-7) even at the risk of being hurt? Shouldn't we teach our children that love is worth it?

God promises to work all out for our good (Rom 8:28). Our oldest children got to see first hand the type of fearless love we extend to all our birth mothers even when it is difficult, though their own is not receptive or safe. Also, some deeply buried hurts were stirred and resurfaced so we can work through them together biblically. Maggie will have days that arise in her future years when she questions who she is and where she came from. The benefit of seeing love in action toward the woman that bore her during her time of questioning will far outweigh a few accidents as her tiny frame attempts to make sense of this crazy thing called being adopted. I repeat whole-heartily, we love our adopted kids best when we choose to love their parents!



Although adoption is beautifully designed by God we must remember that it is born in suffering and loss. Somebody lost family so we could gain ours. Adoption is so beautiful because it shows the power of God's Word holding true, that which was meant for evil, God used it for good (Gen 50:20)!

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone