I Love the Terrible-Twos!

When I started this journey into parenting I remember distinctly thinking that since I was being licensed to foster older children (up to 12 years old) there was no way I would get placed with infants or toddlers, plus everyone else wanted the younger ones. And that was perfect! Babies were too needy. Two year olds scared me. I wanted already potty-trained. But then came not one, but TWO needy infants, soon to be two scary, potty-training two-year-olds.

"NOOOOOOO!!!! NOT 2 TWO-YEAR OLDS!!!

I do believe God blessed me with the exact children He wanted me to have. The exact children to establish, stretch and grow my love, joy, peace, patience, kindness gentleness and self-control. He didn't give me perfect, regenerate, naturally-obedient children. He gave me little sinners always in need of gentle correction or training and loving patience ("definition of patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset."). I always have to remind myself that it is only in the trials that I can practice patience (it does NOT come naturally), and oh boy, do they give me plenty of opportunity to practice!

I have realized that this parenting journey is primarily God working on ME! NOT God using me to work on my kids. Although He does use us parents, if I am worried only about letting God transform MY HEART more and more into the likeness of Christ then reaching my children's hearts comes naturally. If I am focused on obeying Jesus' commands in Scripture then teaching my children to obey comes naturally. If I am taking time daily to soak in the love and grace of Jesus then graciously loving my children flows naturally.

My two-year-olds are not terrible because of age, they are just little trouble-presenters to see if I am going to act terrible. They are my little patience-testers (again, patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset).

And God gave me TWO two-year-olds (plus 3 big kids)! He must have known I had very little patience to start with and wanted to grow it real quick with so many little patience testers constantly presenting trials. Remember, the definition of patience requires us only to not get angry or upset during troubles or suffering but Jesus in the book of James steps that goal up when He says,

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4


My God wants me to be perfect and complete, lacking nothing! Doesn't that sound amazing!?! To be lacking nothing!?! To be perfect!?! But we have to count all our trials joy? And develop such a tremendous amount of patience to reach this goal? But my God, in His goodness, provided me a fast track to perfection. He provided me with two master patience-testers and five trial-presenters. All for me to have plenty of patience practice and much joy to count, so that one day I may be complete!

Trust Mommy, Trust Jesus

God is working on me ALL the time! Parenting is hard, but I have found out one thing, well-trained and trusting children produce much more joy in between the trials.

Here are the 5 most important things we trained our little ones up with:

1. Sleep training or as I call the "anywhere nap": Our little ones, since 10 months old could be laid down anywhere during naptime to sleep. I would tell them their current behavior, whining, being easily irritated, or clumsiness leading to falling, were symptoms of them being tired and lay them down. Cranky babies are good tools for patience practice, I just kept laying them back down. I didn't have a sleep routine, no I must be rocked, no I must have at least 3 stories, no you must sing me songs until I drift off. Remember, I had instant chaos, five kids, all ages, at once. I couldn't be everywhere at once and when my little ones were tired, they were T I R E D and cranky! They needed the remedy for crankiness, but didn't know what it was. Trust mommy, sleep is the remedy. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
   
             

2. Blanket training or as I call "sit, stay, play": With so much going on and homeschooling the big kids it was often necessary to know where the little ones were and what they were doing. They couldn't be trusted to play quietly alone in their room, they would un-doubtedly be shoving beads up their nose or "washing" their hair with the toilet brush. I would put them on a blanket (for visual boundaries) or just ask them to stay sitting and give them toys to play with. This requires lots of reminders and some patience practicing during rebellion when they want to get up. But loving, consistent boundaries that cannot be crossed or changed create a child willing to just play with toys. Trust mommy, it is safest for you to play here next to me with no worry of getting in harm's way. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
             

3. Hold or stay training or as I say "hold mommy's skirt", "hold the car", "hold the wall". When we are walking and I need to know where two little bodies are but need one or both hands free to carry groceries or what not, I will ask the twins to "hold mommy's skirt. If we are in a parking lot loading or unloading the car I will ask them to "hold the car" while they are waiting so they don't play or wander in front of a car. If checking out at a store and I need my hands to count money or sign something I will ask them to "hold the wall" so I know where they are. Another time I use this one a lot is in the bathroom, when I don't want them making a game of crawling on the floor or licking potties, I will ask them to "hold the wall" at the stall door. Trust mommy, to keep you away from danger you need to stay where I ask you. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
                         

4. Be kind to others training, believe it or not, the golden rule is not innate. Hitting, biting, yelling or taking is not tolerated. Period. If it is over an object (which it mostly is) I will explain that your brother or sister you just hit, bit, or yelled at is much more important than this object. If you cannot value them I will not allow you to value this. They can then choose to apologize to the victim of their outburst and share the object or mommy keeps it. A sorry and a hug are modeled. These are definite patience practice moments as they often involve two or more heated, angry parties. Trust mommy, relationships will always be more important than stuff. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
  

5. Be sweet training, this is when that bad attitude creeps up and bites them leaving them with a fowl mood that is a temper tantrum waiting to happen. If a pouty lip or furrowed brow appears I will explain what I see, what I think that means they are feeling, and maybe even the reason they are feeling that way, if I know. For example, "you have a pouty face, you must be upset, maybe it is because your sister has a toy you want? It is okay to be upset, why don't you go to your room until you are ready to be sweet?" or "you look angry because mommy said no. Mommy gets angry too, please go sit in that spot until you are ready to be sweet." My little ones have never had a knock down, drag out, on the floor temper tantrum because I stop them at the first symptom. As a mom I often have to excuse myself to pray or get my act together before I deal harshly with my children. Even at two they are able to exercise that same self-control, sometimes they are even better at it! Trust mommy, God doesn't want us led by our emotions and tempted to hurt others. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
                                 

All Children, Good or Bad, are Trained

I am told all the time how well-behaved and sweet my kids are. I am always being asked how I do it and have even been accused of having "robotic children". I am just a new mom, only two in mom years, and often find myself crying over daily failures and praying for strength for another day's trials. I am definitely not perfect and do not always practice patience as I should. But my kids are definitely not forced robots, they sin often, but they are being trained during trials to exercise self-control and peace as much as I am practicing putting on joy and patience. We are, together, exercising our trust daily!

God always knows what He is doing, when He gave me 3 older kids that were full of chaos, unruly, untrained, and habituated in sin He really showed me what the verse in proverbs means:

"Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6

This is not just a promise for the well-behaved child, this is a proverb, a statement that shows if you do or act this way then that way is the typical outcome. We were placed with 3 elementary age children that were trained up (all kids are trained whether you want to think yours are or not). They were trained in not being able to trust adults, especially parents, and to reject authority. They were trained to hit, bite, scream, pout, and rebel to get their way. They were trained to only obey if it was their idea to do it and they got a large reward. They were trained to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and blame to achieve their own selfish goals and desires. My older kids were habitually trained to get what they wanted first, to meet their own needs, regardless of any hurt caused around them and this was modeled also by the adults in their life. As proverbs points out once trained they are most likely not to stop that behavior into adulthood. Habits are hard to break! (Click here for previous post about my big kid's behavior struggles)

With lots of re-training needed, and still needed, I vowed to be proactive with my little ones. I wanted them to be habitually trained to think of others first, to seek after good instead of evil, to have confidence they can self-control their own bodies and to trust authority figures God has sovereignly placed in their life.

 

Again I am NOT perfect, but I trust Jesus and I want all my kids to one day, Lord-willing, also know that trust that lets us safely and comfortably live in the firm boundaries of our loving Father!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

What Does the Bible Say About Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD?

I am eating up a book that our pastor gave to us to deal with some very difficult and painful behaviors we have been experiencing since our children came to us. It is Parenting the Difficult Child and offers a biblical perspective to Reactive Attachment Disorder. My children are not officially diagnosed with RAD but when I was desperate one night to figure out my children's behaviors I began googling them and found my behavior searches always led to websites about RAD. We see or have seen all these listed behaviors in some form or fashion in our home over the past two years. All my google searching led me to very hopeless lists of behaviors I would encounter and I couldn't find any Godly counsel on the subject anywhere. The author of the book I am reading, Linda Rice, is excellent at helping her readers understand the whole picture of why these hurting children now hurt others. This is the list of typical RAD behaviors and her addition of "looking at the behaviors through a biblical lens."

This is a list compiled from three different charts in the book (pg. 17-20, 24-28, 29-33): 

Typical RAD Characteristics:

 Sleep Problems
Sleepwalking, Nightmares or Night Terrors, Bedwetting, etc.

 Lack of Eye Contact
Eye contact is excellent only when the child is manipulating or is extremely angry. Otherwise, contact is avoided by averting or rolling the eyes, or by rapid blinking.
Biblical Lens: Averting the eyes can be a fear reaction (Exod. 3:6), a sign of guilt feelings (Ezra 9:6-7), a way to hide desires that the eyes might reveal (Prov. 6:13; 16:30), or a method of manipulation (Prov. 6:25). Perhaps there is an abiding shame from guilt over infractions never rectified. Eye contact communicates awareness of the other person, so lack of eye contact can be a method of alienation, revenge, hurting the other, or conveying disrespect (Ps. 27:9; Prov. 30:17; Isa. 1:15). 

Resists Affection on Parents' Terms
Affectionate touching and hugs are verbally and physically rejected. The child stiffens, pulls away, or turns the face away from a kiss on the cheek. Hugging a RAD baby can be like hugging a board. Gifts are often rejected. Praise and affection do not build reciprocity; he does not unconditionally give affection or gifts to family members.
Biblical Lens: Risk of pain from loss of relationship may be avoided by rejecting present relationships. Refusing to be affectionate can also be a method of revenge or a rejection of authority (Luke 15:28-30; Matt. 23:37; Luke 7:32)

Inappropriately Demanding and Clingy
Although he resists parental affection on the parents' terms, he will, in his own timing, initiate ultra cuddly-sweet, even desperate, hugs.
Biblical Lens: A child's rebellious behavior can induce guilt feelings or at least reap negative consequences. By showing extremely affectionate behaviors, the child can persuade himself that he is not so bad after all, even if the affection is all show and no heart (Luke 6:46). Shows of affection can manipulate attention from others. Demanding love on his terms puts him in control. If authorities do not cooperate, their seeming unkindness becomes the brush from painting them as mean (Luke 7:32). Then he can justify defiance and his demand that giving and receiving affection be on his terms.

Superficially Engaging and Charming
The child presents himself as mannerly, cute, sweet, bubbly, demure, cuddly, adoring, or helpless. He will laugh, hug intensely, rub his cheek on the adult's hand, and even cling to new acquaintance with appealing possessiveness. Shy or bold, RAD children are shrewd analysts of others and calculate precisely how to get whatever response they want.
Biblical Lens: Charm can be a deceitful way of getting something without showing one's true thoughts or desires (Prov. 2:16; 12:2; 29:5; 31:30). Attention received can temporarily dull the ache of loneliness. Fleecing another person can spark a thrill (Prov.9:17). It can also inspire a sense of achievement and/or control. One motivation that is likely not at the base of attention-oriented behaviors (clinging, affection toward strangers, charm) is desire for approval. This child is the card shark, not the circus clown. He wants control, the fleece, the ally, or validation of how mean and inept his authorities are.

Phoniness, Deceitfulness
The unattached child diligently studies people and practices how to con others. He tells others what he thinks they want to hear. He becomes so skilled at an appearance of normalcy that is may be months before a person realizes he has been emotionally duped. The constant phoniness creates a sense of disconnect or remoteness in relationships.
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is similar to that above. Hypocritical love (Rom. 12:9) fakes relationship without commitment; it keeps the other at arm's length. It keeps up appearances while the person also covertly pursues his own agenda. Jesus addressed the phoniness of people's supposed close relationship with God when He said, "Why do you call me Lord, Lord and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46).

 Poor Peer Relationships
The antisocial child is usually a loner even if he appears to be friends with everyone. He tends to play with younger children because peers avoid him and younger children are more easily manipulated. He lacks long-term childhood friends.
Biblical Lens: Any child who is centered on protecting himself, his rights, and his possessions, and on trying to control others, is going to have problems keeping friends (Prov. 13:10; 16:28). A loner is selfish (Prov. 18:1).

Abnormal Speech Patterns
The unattached child speaks not to communicate but to control. A favorite technique is mispronouncing a word so that the adult will correct him. Slurring, mumbling, and nearly inaudible speech keep adults asking "What?" Yet, enunciation is crystal clear during an angry outburst. Giving ambiguous, rather than direct, answers to questions keeps adults probing for information. Other techniques include squeaks, forced laughter, incessant laughter, and incessant chatter. Nonsense question, questions about the obvious, or questions that make others feel awkward are also utilized.
Biblical Lens: Speech and language abnormalities, like persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter (Prov. 10:8, 19), are an easy and effective control method. The book of Proverbs is packed with verses on foolish and manipulative speech.

Learning Problems
RAD children have trouble learning, so they test out at a lower level than their age mates.
Biblical Lens: While some RAD children truly have learning problems, the learning problem of many is simply that they refuse to learn. Quickness to learn what they want belies test results indicative of retardation or learning disabilities. There may be several reasons for the refusal to learn. A child obsessed with safety is too distracted to learn and avoids risk of failure (Matt. 25:24-25). Learning is hard work. An appearance of being stupid can dupe others, possibly inducing teachers and parents to reduce the work load and expect less (Prov. 12:20). Learning situations are opportunities to play control games (Prov. 9:17;10:23; 26:18-19). Some people take delight in showing contempt for knowledge (Prov. 1:22, 25). Whatever the reasons, learning time is wasted and education lost. Then, it can appear that the child is less intelligent when the real problem is refusal to learn (Prov. 1:7; 22).

Abnormal Eating Patterns
Patterns include stealing and hiding food, hoarding and gorging, refusal to eat, and eating strange things.
Biblical Lens: Fear and revenge can motivate stealing and hoarding (Luke 12:18). Eating odd things may stir a sense of control over natural reactions, produce a thrill, or gain attention. 

Theft, Pointless Theft
Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people. 

Destructive to Self, Others, Property, Cruelty to Animals
A RAD child recklessly desregards safety and appears to have no fear of dangerous situations such as cliffs and fire. Tolerance for pain is unusually high. Hurting oneself may be intentional. Hurting others is sport. The RAD child will deliberately be a nuisance, and bully, terrorize, and humiliate others. He underhandedly stirs trouble with others in a way that they are blamed. Vandalism may include anything from adorning the wall with mucous, to punching holes in walls, to arson. Animal cruelty is common. Because the child is so cunning , violent acts are seldom seen or appear to be accidents. If the child is accused, blame is effectively shifted to someone else.
Biblical Lens: Anger commonly leads to destructive behaviors. Revenge motivated Esau to plot to kill Jacob (Gen. 27:41). Fear could be the motive when there is a desire to avoid discovery of a crime. The Pharisees plotted Jesus' death to avoid facing the truth about Him. Cruelty to animals can excite a sense of power (control) or be a convenient and "safe" outlet for anger.  

Preoccupation with Blood, Gore, Fire, Weapons
Depending upon the severity of the disorder, the child will be more or less obsessed with those things associated with evil. Drawings go beyond those of dragons and demons to incorporate blood and gore, and can be frightening. Girls and boys may be overly fascinated with uncouthness, sensuality, and promiscuity at an unusually young age.
Biblical Lens: The child who is afraid will think about what he can use to protect himself (Matt. 12:14; 26:4-5, 59; 27:1-2). The child who is angry plans how to get revenge.

Difficulty Learning from Mistakes
No matter the consequences given by parents and society, the child will continue the behavior. He does not learn from positive or negative reinforcements.
Biblical Lens: Proverbs 27:22 describes the RAD child when it says, "Though you pound a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him." The foolish accounts that he wants is worth suffering the same consequences repeatedly. Habits are hard to change. 

Poor Impulse Control
A RAD child may speak kindly one moment, viciously the next. He may steal one moments, be generous in the next.
Biblical Lens: Often, when people are feeling afraid or furious, they do not think logically. They react impulsively (Prov. 12:16, 18; 17:14). Lack of self-control becomes a habit. 

Intense Control Battles
The antisocial child works persistently to wrest control of the household away from the parent. He behaves well when he wants something. Otherwise, testing, bossiness, arguments, baiting others, and pushing the limits continue unendingly. Every conversation is a manipulation opportunity. He pretends to not hear, not understand, or to misunderstand. A simple morning greeting might be delayed, dramatized, normal, a deliberate snub, a contemptuous grunt, a glare, a burst of laughter, or an antagonistic "What do you want?" A minute incident may start a control battle that continues unresolved for hours or days. He is as likely to sabotage a fun game as he is to participate.
Biblical Lens: For the child who is afraid, control of others produces a sense of power and invulnerability. For the child who is angry, provocations can achieve revenge. Besides, contest can be fun. That is why people play games and sports. Some people enjoy wrangling over words (2 Tim. 2:14, 16, 23), so Paul warned Timothy to not get caught up in it. Like a coal to fire is a RAD child to strife (Prov. 26:21; 17:19); he is constantly hot to spark a fight for control.

Hypervigilance/Hyperactivity
Hyperactivity, hypervigilance, and anger are common.
Biblical Lens: Someone who feels constantly threatened, who feels driven to maintain control, must be always on the alert. Hypervigilance keeps him attuned to people. For example, feeling threatened, the Pharisees watched Jesus, spied on Him, and tried to trap Him (Matt. 20:19-20). Like a boxer, the hypervigilant person studies others to find weaknesses and stays ready to seize opportunities. 

Chronic Lying, Lies About the Obvious
Lying is highly skilled, chronic, blatant, and sometimes so ridiculous that the child seems unaware of reality. With his hand in the cookie jar, the child will answer, "What jar?" Lying is not reserved only for escape from trouble. It is a lifestyle. The child may lie about the color of the shirt he is wearing or who was at the birthday party, lying when it gains him nothing and when telling the truth would require less effort.
Biblical Lens: Lies ward off punishment and guilt and keep others baffled. The Pharisees lied to themselves, and lied to others by refusing to answer when they did not want to admit to the obvious (Luke 20:1-8). Lying may arise from an abiding sense of guilt. "The wicked flee when no one is pursuing" (Prov. 28:1). Tricking others can also be a thrilling challenge. Whatever the reason, lying becomes an automatic reflex (Hosea 11:12-12:1).

Lack of Remorse, Seeming Lack of Conscience
When confronted with misbehavior, the child rationalizes, minimizes the harm he caused, shows total indifference, offers excuses, or blames the victim. Remorse is shown only to reduce or prevent punishment. He becomes insolent or furious if an authority expects him to admit wrongdoing. His actions are justified. The expectations of the victim and/or the authority are unreasonable.
Biblical Lens: Feelings of remorse are unpleasant, so people avoid them. A feeling of guilt implies a fault or weakness, which produces fear. Some people get angry at the idea of being wrong. The child becomes all the more desperate to rid himself of remorse feelings by justifying his actions. to the person who considers his own survival to be the ultimate value, it seems logaical that self-defensive behaviors must by rightful and good. With this view, the survivalist determines that he deserves what he steals or that he deserves the right of retaliation. People who love control will not care who they hurt to get the things they want (James 4:2-3). They will care more about keeping everyone under their control than about the basic needs of others (Matt. 9:9-13; 15:1-9; Luke 13:14). Examples of hardheartedness and shamelessness are throughout Scripture--Sodom, Esau, Pharaoh, Israel's child sacrifices, the Pharisees. In these examples, people demanded to do what they wanted without responsibility to any authority for it.

Refusal to Request Help
Biblical Lens: This characteristic is not listed in RAD literature. I have added it based upon my own observations only because I think it is an indicator of an underlying attitude essential to the child's alienation. The observation is, an antisocial child obtains what he wants by his own way (through power or manipulation) or else not at all. Just like the angry people described in James 4:2-3, he will suffer loss or pain rather than ask for help, or even for simple wants like a toy or an outing. This trait is easily missed, probably because absence of something is harder to spot than its presence. It takes time for parents to realize how often they think, "I would love to have given him that, if only he would tell me what he would like to have. If only he would ask." It is an important piece of the puzzle because it silently shouts, "I don't need you!" A RAD child appears determined to trust in only himself (Prov. 3:5; 16:25; 28:26).

In summary,
From babyhood RAD children develop a pervasive emotional self-sufficiency. Key characteristics include drive for control, hypervigilance, and lack of conscience. Most criminals or rebellious people usually maintain a loyalty to someone, friend or family. RAD children retain no loyalties and exercise a disregard for, and violation of, other people.
Biblical Lens: Our psychological labels are manmade categorizations. Even though the Bible speaks to every human condition, it would be impertinent to demand that it fits out categories. We must find our solutions in the Bible's categories, not vice versa. What people do and say expresses something about their heart desires. Major themes for a RAD child include self-preservation (selfishness), control, fear and anger, bitterness and brooding, and making emotional rather than rational decisions. Over all, the characteristics fit what the Bible calls an "angry man" (Prov. 29:22). Another pertinent big-picture label that accompanies and facilitates anger might be "he who separates himself" (Prov. 18:1), which we might abbreviate "alienated."  

From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice

If you find yourself dealing with children with attachment disorders or see these behaviors daily and sometimes hourly in your home buy this book! It has been such an encouragement to me and I keep it as a guide to refer back to constantly to point myself and my children to when and how these behaviors and motives played out in the bible and how God handled it. I have been on a short, yet very hard, journey and have changed my way of looking at parenting. For some real posts on RAD, I have two posts that describe some of the behaviors we have met on this journey, see Pursue Me and The Story of a Wicked Woman.

 Glorious Hope of Redemption 

There is hope for the child habituated to fear, anger, and control! Antisocial behaviors can become features of the past! How can that change be effected? It starts with salvation. God promises that when someone agrees that he has sinned and deserves punishment, commits to the truth that Jesus is the Son of God, and repents from self to trust in Christ's redemptive work on the cross, God cleanses him from sin and gives a new heart that desires to please Him (Ezek. 36:25-26; 2 Cor. 5:9). With the new heart comes the ability to renew the mind (Eph. 4:22-24). Through God's Word, the child can learn and believe the truth about his world, himself, and God, and change his desires. The Bible shows how to throw away old tools of controlling the situation and pick up God's tools for handling trouble effectively. He can decide that when fears arise, he will run to God rather than to his own coping strategies (Psalm 18:2; 56:3). When anger boils, he will put on self-control instead (Gal. 5:19-23).  

Change of environment helps a great deal. Parents and counselors can influence him by modeling love and the joy of fellowship with God. They can teach truth and gently challenge or correct misperceptions by a calm, logical application of Scripture. They can patiently provide reward and disciplinary consequences. Prayer is essential. Loving parents can woo a child to choose to change.  

From Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice, pages 52-53.

I am no longer parenting for my kids, to give my them the best life they could have or making sure they are changing their behavior, I am now parenting for me, to practice putting on fruits of the Spirit when, not if, I am tempted and tried by behaviors and conform more and more to the image of Jesus Christ alone.

Click here for a blog post on how I found: 

Healing in the Hurt (Battling fear, anger and bitterness while parenting RAD)

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

The Story of a Wicked Woman

        Once upon a time there was a woman. She loved her husband dearly and loved living in her city but was very wicked. She was full of envy, strife, hate and pride. She committed many crimes against her husband and King. Her husband loved her despite her behavior, even when she was very hard to love, but he had to tell the King about her wickedness. So the King came to her. He said, “Woman you are very wicked and have committed many crimes against Me and My kingdom, your penalty is death.” The woman cried out to the king, she was pierced at the heart and saw herself for what she had become. “Oh my King, please have mercy on me!” The King was moved with compassion for her and said, “I am a just and good King, I cannot let criminals go without their penalty being paid, but this is what I will do, because I love you so, I will adopt you as My own and give you My power and kingdom, and I will send My perfect, blameless Son, the Prince of Peace, to die in your place and in the place of all criminals who enter my kingdom.” The woman with tear-filled eyes looked at her beloved King as he gave His only Son for her and gave her all he had and made her his daughter. “Lord I am not worthy, I deserve none of this.” The King responded only with, “I will look at you now, not as condemned, but as perfect. Obey what My Son and I have written and love and serve My people!”

 

            Her husband rejoiced when he heard what their great King had done for his wife and they committed their lives to serving the Son who paid for their great crimes. The woman began reading all that had been written in the Kingdom. One day, she read, “care for the orphaned,” and her heart was pierced. Their King had adopted her as His very own when she was in need, how could they not follow their King’s great example and adopt others in need? They studied and learned all they could from the King and His love for them spurred on their compassion for others. Even when great obstacles were encountered, when paperwork piled high, when schedules had to be arranged for endless appointments and interviews seemed endless their King reminded them, “You can do all things when I am your strength.” And the King walked with them as their guide.

            The day arrived when the command to care became a reality. Three orphaned, needy children showed up on their doorstep. They thought how complete their lives were now that they had begun to fulfill their purpose. How excited they were to reflect the great King’s love to these hurting, broken children. But problems arose. These small, sweet-faced orphans were desperately wicked. Every morning she would have to beg and plead and fight that they shower and just brush their teeth and hair. After searching for and finding the urine soaked items that were hidden she would pack lunches, backpacks, find lost socks and shoes, and missing homework. She would answer incessant, nonsense questions about the obvious. The woman would get them off to school then go to work tired and ready for a break. She would get a call. A child was sick, or refused to do their schoolwork, or comply with their teacher’s requests or had been sent out of class due to being a disruption. Weary she would go to the school to talk about a way to fix the problem. When school was over there was counseling and doctor appointments and visitations. She would begin to make dinner but have to stop several times to break up fights, to answer more nonsense questions, to help with homework, to beg them to do their homework, and correct or send them away when they refused. When dinner was ready and her husband walked in the door she would melt into his arms. “I am weak, I forget why I am caring for these children.”

            “Oh Sweetie, don’t you remember the words of the king? ‘Come to me all you who are weak and weary and I will give you rest’.” The husband held her tight and they tried to enjoy their meals together despite the gagging, crying, refusing to eat or the children fighting for attention, falling out of chairs, chattering on about nothing just to hog the conversation and heavy critique of anything that was on their plate. They followed their task parenting these little ones even with the belligerent attitudes that followed dinner, with the somber face that refused to take part in any fun of a new family, and even with the constant manipulations to gain what they wanted when they wanted it. Then came the nightly routine of begging and pleading and fighting that they just please get dressed, brush their teeth or go to bed, the never enough stories or songs, the twenty times someone had to get back up to pee or get a book or forgot to put a paper away or needed to ask something of no importance.

            Although the daily marathon continued the woman would just pray, cry and be strengthened by the King’s guidance to endure the trials each day held. The woman was struggling when another orphan was left on the doorstep, a baby, so sweet, so beautiful. She looked at this sweet baby, so helpless and remembered why she wanted to care for these little ones. In a moment, she had a renewed view of the mission.

            But the crying never stopped. The baby could not be consoled, not when being held, not in the car, not with noise or quiet. The door slams, again. Another runaway. Another phone call to the police, “Yes officer, that house, that child, yes again.” The woman’s head drops in exhaustion, "Why am I doing this?" The husband comes home early from work again. Another incident, another theft, always something new going missing, always something new is found hidden, then the lies. The lies just pour out like water from a well, completely natural. The constant smell of urine led to so many searches, so many hidden, putrid items found, more vandalism, another angry outburst, another refusal to eat, another runaway, the endless movement and chattering, so many needs and questions, now another visit with the principal, another doctor’s visit, another endless day of crying. It was too much. The woman was tired. The husband was tired.

            More writing on the wall, it was the last straw, we told the child this time we will take the markers. The child stood with the markers behind her, “Sweetie, I told you if you drew on the wall again I will have to take your markers.” The woman’s face stung in pain. The child smiled, “Go ahead, hit me back.” One phone call, the woman had to make one phone call and they would come take this wicked orphan away. The woman made that call.

            That night a burden heavier than caring for these children weighed on her. She remembered the King. She remembered how wicked she had been and how all her wickedness was paid and forgiven by the payment of the Son’s life. How could she not love this child the way the King had loved her? What made it so hard? The woman vowed to love these orphans sent to her, vowed that no matter what they did, no matter how tired she was, she would continue in love to serve her King.

            In just a moment, with the whirlwind this journey has already brought, now there is another orphan on the doorstep. A baby. This baby didn’t cry. This baby didn’t crawl. This baby didn’t smile or laugh. This baby didn’t move his hands to play with a toy or pick up food. This baby just sat. This baby would stare and study faces as he drank his bottle. So different than the other baby that cried constantly. So different than the children that chattered and moved and ran constantly. The woman fell deeply in love with the quiet, easy baby.

            The quiet baby eventually stopped being quiet, but still never cried. He laughed all the time and smiled. He would light up a room with his joy and applaud the woman when she came in. The woman couldn’t help but smile when she was around him. It felt like a glimmer of hope and joy in her very tired, dark world. The woman worked and prepared five little ones every day, the woman armored up for the fights and battles, she did her best to guard them against themselves so they could not devise evil and lie and plunder. The woman held them and told them the difference between evil and good. She showed them mercy and pronounced them free, although they deserved punishment for their deeds, she passed on the stories and gifts of her good and gracious King. The woman also failed daily, sought forgiveness and asked the King many times, “O King you know my heart, are you sure you chose correctly, did you truly choose me to care for these orphans? In all Your kingdom, You must have one more skilled, more loving, more obedient than I?” The King smiled as He whispered back to her, “I choose the weak to shame the strong, any good work I have began with you I will bring to completion.”

            Some days began to pass without a battle. Some days began to fill with joy, to even overflow with joy. The woman began to feel happy and want to hug and love. Then the day came when she got to mimic her King and she adopted all five of these needy orphans into her heritage and all her possessions and the kingdom her King gave to her.

I wished I could now write: The End, happy ending, but the woman did not get a break from her tiresome work and the woman’s children did not become perfect, they had hearts trained in wickedness. The battles did become fewer and less frequent but more massive in size. The woman often felt exhausted and like a failure, but the woman and her children did have one hope, a Savior, one to pay for their crimes, for their wickedness. Both the woman and her children needed strength to overcome the battles that did and would arise, they needed to rely on the One Good King who had provided a Savior, His very own perfect Son, Jesus Christ.

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

A Story of Faithfulness in Very Difficult Times

Two weeks ago we were just arriving home after spending a week in Virginia with Brian's dad during his final days. He passed peacefully and we were very thankful for all the extra time we had with him (click here for previous post on preparations). We came home to a very sad, empty house, it was like coming home to another funeral. There were just blank walls where our smiling family pictures used to be, empty closets where all our clothes used to be and an empty fridge when once it fed a family of 7. We had packed everything we owned in the RV before we left. Anything left in the house after packing the RV was donated or sold. And our property was not RV ready yet, which has made a very strange living situation. Living in an empty house walking back and forth to our RV outside to get eating utensils or underwear or shampoo. I was really putting off fully unpacking knowing that I would inevitably be re-packing the RV this month.

  

It was back to school, work and our usual season of busyness. But it was September and we haven't even given a thought to school, I had groaned and worried and prayed all summer not knowing what on earth I would do for curriculum. We had so much to keep us busy just with the move that I let time get away from me, my teacher planning summer was over and I had nothing. This is where God reaches His mighty hand into my little world and bombarded me with grace and faithfulness. I was contacted by a woman I had never met and read an amazing message:

"Shannon, I don't know if you have plans for this school year yet but the Holy Spirit prompted me to gift you 3 spots in the local Classical Conversations (CC) program. It's really pretty all encompassing for school - it makes schooling with a large family really organic (little ones and big kids learn together). I would love if you would consider joining."

We have our homeschooling for this year figured out, not based on my amazing planning and teaching ways but, PURELY by God's amazing grace and loving faithfulness to our family!

                          

The kids have loved the past 2 weeks at CC and it has kept me organized and structured while so much of our life is chaotic right now. We have continued working on the property after school so life is busy, busy now. More good news, when we got back the goats had completely eaten all the greenery from their penned area and were ready for more clearing ground. We started "operation move goat pen" and pulled up the 100'x50' area worth of fencing. Now we had to get it up around their new very green, ready to be eaten area. As we were just getting started on the fifth post the unexpected happened......
 As Brian was pounding the top of the green t-post with the 25lb fence post driver (red tool pictured) he must have pulled it just high enough to clip the top of the post and his sweaty hands slid to the bottom of the handles making the pure steel tool top heavy and it dropped on his head.
                    

He stepped back momentarily holding his head, he was answering us saying he was fine but as he pulled his hands away blood began spilling down his face and shirt. We rushed to the van, my heart pounding and screaming directions to the kids. It took too long to figure out how to call 911, I couldn't tell the operator where we were, what had happened or what was wrong. I couldn't think, I was freaking out, I was driving but I didn't know where. I just know that while I was being told to "calm down ma'am, I can't help if you don't calm down" Brian started to pass out.

This had to be the most traumatic thing I have ever been through. All I could do was beg the Lord not to take him, I wasn't ready! This is my husband, my best friend, the father of my children! I am so in love with him I still get excited butterflies when he comes home from work. This is the man that texts me without fail everyday that he loves and misses me. This man completes me, our love lets me know how two can really become one flesh.

The operator had me pull over, remove my shirt to press against the wound and wait for the ambulance, Brian was drifting in and out of consciousness and every time he came to he would whisper, "we'll be fine, the Lord is good." What would I do without him, I pleaded that the Lord wouldn't bring me down the path that I would have to find that out. After some oxygen and the paramedics checking his vitals Brian was back with us and asked if I could drive him to the ER. He knew we don't have insurance and ambulance rides cost a fortune. The EMTs were worried about me as I was shrinking next to the car in a tear-filled panic. "Sir your wife can't drive you like this." My sweet Brian just said, "it's okay, I will keep her calm." We made it safely to the ER and he is just fine. We even recognized our ER doctor as he lives in our neighborhood and I had babysat and dogsat for him on several occasions years back when we were gung-ho paying off debt before we had kids! Brian got a CT scan and 10 staples and I recovered from the shock of it all after many more bouts of tears and prayer. 

                        

Since we didn't have any insurance or a way to pay that moment they sent in a lady from billing for us to talk to. She was very helpful and told us not to worry. As she was taking our information she realized she had met us at a co-worker's wedding in May this year. We were one of the only couples with kids at the wedding (let alone five kids of different color) and she definitely remembered us! (Here are some flashback pics from the wedding 5/18/13!)
                           

She kept going on and on about how well behaved and sweet and cute our kids were and how she talked about our family for weeks after the wedding because she was astounded by just how well our kids listened and behaved while still fully enjoying all the events of the wedding! I love the paths God crosses and the people we meet as He weaves the story of our lives!

Brian turned out to be just fine and healing well, not based on my amazing emergency crisis handling ways but, PURELY by God's amazing grace and loving faithfulness to our family!

 

We did have to finish the goat pen fencing the next day but this time Brian couldn't help (doctor's orders) and we bought a hard hat based on Wikipedia's recommendation! :)

 "Single-person post pounders tend to be around 20 pounds (9 kg), but weight varies with model types. The diameter depends on the size of the post to be pounded. They can be dangerous to handle, especially if the lower edge of the pounder catches on the top of the post, when it can pivot towards the user and strike them on the head. Hearing protection and a hard hat are often recommended." - Wikipedia

                           

We couldn't even imagine what was going to happen next...

  

Just yesterday an army appeared. An army of strangers and friends. They all came to help get our property cleared.

  

They came with backhoes, trucks, chainsaws, shovels, wheelbarrows, rakes, trashbags, gloves, water and hotdogs. They came because the Holy Spirit prodded them to help us, a neighbor in need.

  
 
They came and worked so hard! They got two over full truck loads of trash picked up and hauled away. They got pile after pile of trees knocked down and burned.

 

  

They cleared almost 2 full acres of land and we have a perfect leveled out spot just right for our RV!

 

  

We have our property cleared and ready for our move, not based on my amazingly skilled land clearing ways but, PURELY by God's amazing grace and loving faithfulness to our family!

Do you know!?! Our God is SO big and SO good!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

Are we there yet!?!

We are quickly approaching home after our sudden trip to visit Brian's father, grandpa, in the ICU and be with him as he passed away. Although a sad time we had a fun time with family and a a lot of driving time to think and plan what our next life steps are. Our house is no longer home since we have sold all our stuff and packed up all our pictures. It is just a sad reminder of where home used to be. Home is now in the RV with no where to park. We are in crunch time with the house under contract and potential closing less than 60 days out, we need to get our 7 acre raw property livable QUICK! (Click here for our recent update to our upcoming move)

For all those following our raw land, debt-free journey here is just a plain old "need" list of what is required and the cost involved:

Trash pick-up by hand: free but TONS of work,

Rent construction dumpster for trash (we could fill up 2-6): first dump $400 then $150 per dump,

Rent Backhoe for land clearing and trash pick-up: $1700/week,

Land clearing by hand: free but need an army of chainsaws and workers,

Two trailers and 2 wooden house structures needing demolition: $?,

County Electric hook-up: $55,

Electrician to install power pole: $900-1200,

County Water Meter set-up at road: $800-1200,

Plumber to install water line to home site: $?,

Septic tank and installation: $?,

Perimeter fencing, cheapest wire farm fence: $3000,

Then there is the dream "want" list:

Sod so we have a field of grass instead of dirt: $?,

A small insulated, air-conditioned storage shed/cottage to house our washer, dryer deep freezer and a shelf for storage or craft and homeschool supplies: $3000-$10000,

Garden bed, flower pots, flowering plants to beautify property: $?,

A picnic or outside table to have room to seat or whole family during meals: $?,

A swing set or tree house or an outdoor play place for kids: $?,

Then a full-fledged farm, cows, chickens, goats, pigs, geese, a horse and maybe a llama or an emu :)


God is teaching us to live within our means with contentment. We have been and are tempted to borrow money at every turn so we can have it all quick but that is what got us up to our ears in debt in the first place :). God will provide faithfully as we faithfully learn, more fully, what it means to wait on the Lord!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

So Many Preperations! So Many Distractions!

A whirlwind doesn't even begin to describe the turbulence of our life for the past month! Wind constantly pushing and turning and rushing! (Click here for post explaining our upcoming move) We have had garage sale after garage sale, met with 50+ people for sales from craigslist and facebook, listed and shipped dozens of items on eBay.
 
  
 
Tried to stay consistent on potty-training the twins (Titus and Maggie are both 2 years old).
 
                            

 Cleaned and cleaned and cleaned to keep our home "show clean" for any perspective buyers (which is a triumph in itself with 5 kids and 2 dogs).
 
              

We have been traveling back and forth daily to care for our land-clearing goats and join them by picking up trash and chopping down trees with the added bonus of ticks and poison ivy!
 
  
  

I feel like I skipped July and now August is slipping away! Our goal was finishing clearing enough of a path to park RV on property and moving completely out of the house by Sept. 1st. That gives us 15 days left.....God has put all this above busyness on halt. We are now packing quickly to go visit family in Virginia. Brian's father (grandpa) is in the ICU on life support. We are going to rush up there to spend one last week with him and make his passing as peaceful and joyful as possible. Although this is a very sad time the kids are also excited to see extended family again! They had so much fun meeting their grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins last November for the first time!

Although I am a crazy planner I am at peace with this change in my plans. God has been so gracious to not take grandpa suddenly but to give us a chance to say good-bye. We cannot plan death, it sneaks up on us and halts all our plans without apology. It reels us in from looking at the big picture, the future, the "could be"s and the "what if"s, it slows us down again and lets us marvel at the little things.  The way a nectarine  tastes and smells when you take the first bite. The way our dogs' tails wags when we come home after leaving them. The sparkle in Mirabel's eye as she falls in love and nuzzles her little goat. The way Maggie's tiny hands wrap around my neck ever so tightly when I am pulling her training pants up. The way Risa's long black hair waves and flows at her every carefree leap and twirl. The way Titus's smile beams with the biggest sense of accomplishment after doing something as overlooked as throwing something away for me. The way I hug Anthony and realize for the first time he is almost at eye level and isn't little anymore. The little things that are found in this life alone. The things that can be so easily missed when death seems so far away. Funerals bring that zeal for life, that preciousness back like a slap in the face....

With all our preparations, move, and going ons I jumped on every waking moment to DO something, to pack, to work, to go, to sell, to list, to train....I forgot the "only thing necessary".


Luke 10:38-42
³⁸ Now as they were traveling along, He (Jesus) entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord’s feet, listening to His word. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” ⁴¹ But the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; ⁴² but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”


Lord I feel so much like Martha, always distracted by preparations! Lord let me learn to be like Mary and just sit at Your feet! For I will never regret marveling at You or Your creation!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone