Our Family in the News

There were two stories that were published and aired today.

1.
The first was an article about Brittney and her amazing Guardian-ad-litem (GAL) who helped push for her to come home! The article, by Nancy Kinnally with the FL Bar Foundation, is well-written and sheds light on the deeper pieces of her story and eventually finding a forever family:

"Brittney, 11, smiles broadly and extends her hand in greeting to welcome a visitor to her family’s Tallahassee farm, where she and her six siblings help care for a menagerie that includes dogs, cats, ponies, goats, chickens, rabbits, a donkey and a cow named Buttercream.

Born prematurely and with a panoply of medical disorders that could shorten her lifespan, Brittney spent years in and out of Orlando hospitals and medical foster homes until Brian and Shannon got a phone call from a Wendy’s Wonderful Kids recruiter asking if they would consider adopting her. 

“We told her, ‘Yes, we would absolutely be interested in taking this little girl,’ because we believe that all life is valuable and that all children deserve a loving family, whether they are going to pass away, whether they have special needs, no matter what the issues are,” Shannon said. “We made a commitment to God a long time ago that if we were ever called to take a child we would consider that a call from Him.”.....

Here is the link to read the entire article:
A long legal road leads to a permanent home for Brittney

2.
The second was a 4 minute news segment, that aired on France2 TV. They inquired with us about their interest in covering a segment on American adoption disruptions since disrupting an adoption is not allowed in France. They traveled to us in FL from Washington D.C. to spend the afternoon filming our lives and interviewing Sam on his experience being adopted twice. We can't express what a sweet crew they were to work with, so natural and patient. 

"One of the more charming segments I've produced at France 2 Washington DC in a while. This one tells the story of Sam, a child from China who was adopted but then given up by his adoptive parents. Thank god he wasn't sent back to the orphanage in China, but taken in by Brian and Shannon in Florida, the 5 Kids 6 Months family. What you see here is love for children by other families who believe in third chances." - Sabrina Buckwalter, producer at France2

Here is link to watch the video news story:
États-Unis : des petites annonces pour réadopter un enfant déjà adopté une première fois

Since it is in French, it was made for France2 TV after all, below is the English translation of the video:
ENGLISH TRANSLATION:
"The little boy is only 10 years old and yet he already has a past saddled with pain and separation.
A birthmark deforms his face but that is a mere detail in comparison to all the suffering he's been through.

Sam has been through an orphanage in China and 2 adoptive families in the US.
18 months ago, his first adoptive parents decided to cede him to another couple. 

Sam precisely recalls the shock he felt at the time:
SOT (Sam, readopted child): "2 days before I was taken they announced it to me, that I was going to have a new house, a new home.

SOT (Valerie Astruc, Reporter) - How did you react?

SOT (Sam, readopted child) - I was scared. They did not think that I was a nice child, but I still was attached to them."

With his new parents, Sam often watches the home videos his previous family had left for him.
Images of apparent bliss, but the child had reactive attachments disorders at that times.
His first adoptive parents therefore decided to give Sam to another family.

SOT (Shannon, Sam's 2nd adoptive mother): "It wasn't that they were neglectful by any means. But it was Sam's behavior, he behaved himself in a way that created a rift, there was a bond that was very hindered."

The little boy has had to learn live with his new brothers and sisters, 6 in total, all adopted by Brian and Shannon, a devout couple who did in the name of Jesus.

Sam's first months in his new family were very testing:
SOT (Sam) : "When I first arrived, I'd get very angry. When I wouldn't get what I wouldn't get my way, I would shut down, and wouldn't talk.

SOT (Shannon, Sam's 2nd adoptive mother) : - Yeah. Sometimes it'd be for hours, yeah. And then we in the family would start thinking, 'Well, what did we do, why are you so mad at us?'. But we understood that he had lost a lot."

Adopted children that change parents, there exists hundreds in the United States. No specific number can be posited as the phenomenon is fairly recent.

SOT (Valerie Astruc, Reporter) : "No federal law prohibits the transfer of an adopted children into a new family. A handful of states require that they go before a tribunal but in the majority of cases, the procedure is rather simple."

On the internet, specialized agencies publish little blurbs drafted by adoptive parents that wish to separate themselves from their adoptive children. Beneath Landon's picture, 8 years old, this is what it reads:
"The arrival of this hyperactive child is not what we expected."

Another face, another story, and another comment:
"Abby needs a house with parents that are calm and patient to help her."

All these posts are perfectly legal and regulated.
This lawyer explains that a home study and backgrounds checks suffices to carry out the transfer of a child between 2 adoptive families, with no intervention from public authorities.

SOT (Christine Thurman, Lawyer specialized in Family Affairs) : "What we're seeing is a trend for 2nd chance families. Apparently they'll want to take on someone with a level of confidentiality, they do not want people to know that there is a new child. After the first child [in the case of a first adoption] there's often a lot of celebration, and then the child just disappears."

Once a child has changed homes, an agency that has been certified by social services comes to make sure that everything is in order.

This couple has re-adopted this 8 year old girl.
Marian is the one who had linked the 2 families up, took care of the transfer procedures and now routinely makes sure the child is doing ok.

SOT (Marian Huet, Director, Love & Hope, Adoptive Services) : "It's very safe."
This disruption from adoption practice remains fairly marginal . And apparently nobody seems to blame families for going back on their decision to adopt a given child.

SOT (Vanessa Smith, 2nd adoptive mother) : "They get a child who is really "damaged" or "hurt", often from abroad and they don't know much about the child or the environment he grew up in."

SOT (Marian Huet, Director, Love & Hope, Adoptive Services) : "It's better to have a re-adoption than staying in a home where it is not working. It's like being in a very bad marriage where people stay together for the wrong reasons."

In the US, the number of readoptions is not limited. In other words, a child can change adoptive families several times, before he reaches the age of 18."



Posted by Shannon

Fostering Attachment and Love

In our home we have older children that struggled with Reactive Attachment Disorder symptoms and behaviors for some time. In just three years those same children are well-adjusted, attached, and loving members of our family. Someone asked me recently how that could be? How are they healed and just like normal attached kids? RAD is supposed to haunt them for life. Their past cannot be undone.

No, their past will forever be a part of who they are but the hurt can be undone. First with the help of the true Healer, Jesus Christ, and second with consistent modeling and practicing what love really is.

Love does NOT mean you will never get hurt. Unconditional love means you WILL get hurt but you love anyway!

Three things we know about foster kids from hard places:

1. They have a difficult time trusting or attaching to adults in authoritative parental roles.
2. They have a difficult time connecting with and understanding their emotions.
3. They have a difficult time feeling, receiving, giving, or showing love.

As I said, foster children need consistent modeling and practicing what love really is. Due to what we know about them, that they have a difficult time trusting or attaching to adults in authoritative parental roles, even if we, as adults, are consistently modeling love it may not be accepted or trusted simply due to our role.

What now? How do we bypass #1 to begin kindling connections, correct emotions (#2) and love (#3)?

One of the biggest helps God laid on my heart was to continue to foster pets while fostering children. I was a foster parent to hundreds of furry little ones before my heart changed and bled for the hurting human foster children. Together with our children, over the past two years, we have fostered over 35 animals. We have fostered orphaned kitties and puppies, blind, mange-covered and skinny older dogs, and deathly sick cats. Fostering pets has lavished benefits on our family as our children were walking through the grief of their deepest hurts.

Four reasons why foster pets taught my children love better than I can:

1. Attachments are created to happen with babies, while they are still cute and cuddly.
2. Pets (Dogs specifically) can make known the hidden emotions of their owners and give them a voice.
3. Teaches love without segregation, love outside the limits of species, breed, or color. 
4. Death or adoption of a pet allows us, as parents, to walk with them through their loss. 

1. Attachments are created to happen with cute and cuddly babies.

Before kids, when I worked at an animal shelter, I remember seeing the old, quirky dogs and grumpy cats, filled with fear. I watched them as all with cute and cuddly puppies and kittens got adopted and these older pets were passed by. As a shelter worker these are the animals you spoil, take home on the weekends and hold lovingly, whispering that they are loved, when their time is up. What is it about newness and cuteness that draws a stranger's heart to fall in love. I have to tell you there is no redeeming qualities to a puppy or kitten other than they are SUPER cute! They pee everywhere and all the time, they chew and scratch and they don't listen but when they sleepily purr on your lap or lick your face you are helplessly smitten.

          

In foster children, empathy, nurture and affection can be kindled with cute babies in a way that cannot be displayed with us as adults. We are that old, quirky dog or grumpy cat waiting for love. We may be modeling and practicing love, wagging our tail and purring but there is just something that is sparked when cuteness is a factor. God designed babies to be cute for a reason!

Trials and hardships with pets, cleaning up messes or feeding and giving with no return on investment, can materialize what unconditional love truly means and looks like. It means loving even when time or money is lost and love is not reciprocated. Pointing out the child's unconditional love toward their pets can help them visualize our unconditional love for them despite their messes.

                                            

2a. Pets expose hidden emotions.

Authority in our lives is good (Romans 13:1-8). It holds us accountable and can be a huge help to us. When authorities put in place to care for us don't we are left hurt. Giving our children small roles of authority over furry helpless pets can open conversation about how wonderful God designed authority to be. God is our ultimate authority, always in perfect love, caring for us(Romans 9:19-21). Parents are the authority over their children, without anger, teaching and disciplining them (Ephesians 6:1-4). Humans are in authority over the animals, with good stewardship, caring for them (Genesis 1:26).

Foster children often struggle with control and lacking trust in their parental authorities. When in a relationship with a pet, the foster child can be in the controlling, authoritative role as the "parent". The foster child can control feedings, baths, training and affection. Please note, this role is guided by or taken over by the foster parent when the role is played with any anger or neglect. The foster child can be guided to be a calm and loving authority. Pointing out the child's success in fulfilling their role as a "foster parent" to this orphaned animal and explaining the appreciation this pet must have for them can rub off as the child's eyes and hearts are opened with appreciation toward their own foster parents. 

Dogs obey authorities (cats not so much). In a dog pack there will be one leader, the authority of the pack. This dog leader is always calm and assertive (as Cesar Millan would say). Dogs will not follow a sporadic, easily-angered, or fearful leader. A dog can often reflect the invisible emotions our kids have inside them. A mirror for their hearts. We can help our kids work out their emotions to practice a calm demeanor so they will enjoy their foster dog or puppy more.  

2b. Foster pets can give our foster kids a voice.

Kids who may not be able to put a labeled emotion on their feelings may be able to label the emotion of a foster pet. When the puppy is crying and howling the first new night in your home the child can label that the puppy is sad. We can develop conversation that relates to their own hidden emotions, "I bet you felt like this foster puppy the first night you came here, you felt sad right?" The conversation can escalate to reasoning behind those emotions. "The foster puppy is sad because he misses his mommy dog." "I bet you feel sad when you miss your mommy." Foster children can more easily verbalize what a foster pet may be feeling than their own emotions. Since the feeling are often mutual, they are essentially exposing their own emotions.

3. Love without boundaries.

When falling in love with a hurting and in need foster pet there is no segregation due to species, breed or color. We don't say, "You, little kitten, are not a human therefore I cannot love you." We love them fully, regardless of their difference of species. We don't say, "You, little puppy, are not my favorite breed of dog therefore I cannot love you." We love them fully, regardless of their breed. We don't say, "You, little bunny, are white and I only love spotted bunnies therefore I cannot love you." We love them fully, regardless of their color. Loving a cross-species pet can show that love crosses even the most difficult boundaries, that love knows no segregation (Galatians 3:28). We can show that just as their love can grow for a different species pet our love can grow for them regardless of their background, heritage or race differences. We see a need and we meet it, regardless of where they came from (James 1:27).

                                                

4. Foster pets allow loss and grief.

Death or adoption of a pet brings about a sort of planned loss and grief. A loss unlike their immediate, chaotic and tumultuous exit from their previous family. This type of loss allows understanding, processing and allows us to walk them through the stages of grief. This type of loss still hurts, sometimes deep, but to love unconditionally is to hurt. We don't refuse to help an injured foster pet for fear of death, we love and help them in their hurt even if death and loss is imminent. This type of controlled or planned loss can help bring back old losses and re-walk through that grief appropriately.

Adoption of a pet brings a good mix of grief and joy, a mix of loss and new life. Watching a once orphaned or hurting foster pet find an adoptive family makes real the joy and newness of adoption! It can also help a foster child sympathize with their foster parent if and when it comes time for the foster child to be reunited with their family. They can begin to see that the mix of sadness and joy can and sometimes do coexist.

Foster children with foster pets learn to love, lose and love again. Isn't that the cycle we want to culminate and grow in our children that are struggling to love after past loss and hurts?

 

The greatest thing about foster pets is they reflect God's perfect love for foster children and us.

If God loved these little furry creatures so much to send a rescue to them through children foster parents then how much more does God love these little helpless children to send a rescue to them through adult foster parents. (Matthew 10:29-31, Matthew 6:25-34)

In the same way, if God loved these little helpless children so much to send a rescue to them through adult foster parents then how much more does God love these adult, imperfect parents to send a rescue to them through His very own Son, Christ Jesus (Romans 5:6-8, Isaiah 40:26-31, John 3:16-18).

"We love, because He first loved us" - 1 John 4:19


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone 

I Can't Handle This!

I remember being asked recently, "Shannon, are you really thinking of adopting another child?" As she softly touched my arm.

I responded with a quick and unashamed, "Oh YES, we are always open to adoption!"

Her hand retreated, "Oh Lord, Child, how many do you think you possibly handle!?!"

"Me, I can handle zero, but the Lord, He can handle an infinite number!"

She was right, I can’t handle this. I can’t handle adoption. I can't handle my current kids. Adoption is hard. Kids are hard. Love is hard. I have searched and inquired about so many children up for adoption. I have seen so many children's profiles that share information about their likes, struggle and needs. You read those profiles and think “that child is more than I could handle” or “I couldn’t take a child that struggled with xyz”.

But can you imagine what your profile would look like?

This is just a tiny sample of the profile my God in Heaven saw on me. He knows not only our outward deeds but our inward thoughts and the motives of our hearts. He saw me, with all my problems, issues and labels. With all my “special” needs and conditions. He pursued me anyway. He lavished His love on me anyway. He adopted me anyway. Is this the same God that adopted you into His heritage and inheritance through His Son, Jesus Christ? Is this the same God who loves and calls us all to care for the orphan? A God who teaches us how to love unconditionally, the way He does perfectly?

Shannon was ADOPTED in January 2009!

This God that adopted me and walks with me and indwells me is teaching me an amazing love like His. A love that is not hindered due to fear. A love that does not accept with conditions. A love that does not stop due to difficulties. A love that compels me to action. An active, working love. An adoption love.

Our journey through loving our adopted kids has been a journey of learning what it means to truly love like Jesus. To love sinners in their greatest and most painful sin. To love those who push away, even reject love. To love those who may never love us back. This love is costly with no return on investment. This love is called sacrificially love. This is the love of Jesus. This is the love of adoption.  

What does your profile say? What would be that one issue or condition too great, too sinful that would keep God from adopting you to Himself? What would be that one issue or condition too great, too sinful that should keep me from adopting my child? What would be that one issue or condition too great, too sinful that would keep you from adopting a child? Are we basing our view of adoption on fear, conditions or difficulty? Or are we basing our view of adoption on the sacrificial love of Jesus who can handle all things?

Click here to see thousands of profiles of children all over the U.S. waiting for a family to show them the love of Jesus.


Posted by Shannon

I Love the Terrible-Twos!

When I started this journey into parenting I remember distinctly thinking that since I was being licensed to foster older children (up to 12 years old) there was no way I would get placed with infants or toddlers, plus everyone else wanted the younger ones. And that was perfect! Babies were too needy. Two year olds scared me. I wanted already potty-trained. But then came not one, but TWO needy infants, soon to be two scary, potty-training two-year-olds.

"NOOOOOOO!!!! NOT 2 TWO-YEAR OLDS!!!

I do believe God blessed me with the exact children He wanted me to have. The exact children to establish, stretch and grow my love, joy, peace, patience, kindness gentleness and self-control. He didn't give me perfect, regenerate, naturally-obedient children. He gave me little sinners always in need of gentle correction or training and loving patience ("definition of patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset."). I always have to remind myself that it is only in the trials that I can practice patience (it does NOT come naturally), and oh boy, do they give me plenty of opportunity to practice!

I have realized that this parenting journey is primarily God working on ME! NOT God using me to work on my kids. Although He does use us parents, if I am worried only about letting God transform MY HEART more and more into the likeness of Christ then reaching my children's hearts comes naturally. If I am focused on obeying Jesus' commands in Scripture then teaching my children to obey comes naturally. If I am taking time daily to soak in the love and grace of Jesus then graciously loving my children flows naturally.

My two-year-olds are not terrible because of age, they are just little trouble-presenters to see if I am going to act terrible. They are my little patience-testers (again, patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset).

And God gave me TWO two-year-olds (plus 3 big kids)! He must have known I had very little patience to start with and wanted to grow it real quick with so many little patience testers constantly presenting trials. Remember, the definition of patience requires us only to not get angry or upset during troubles or suffering but Jesus in the book of James steps that goal up when He says,

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4


My God wants me to be perfect and complete, lacking nothing! Doesn't that sound amazing!?! To be lacking nothing!?! To be perfect!?! But we have to count all our trials joy? And develop such a tremendous amount of patience to reach this goal? But my God, in His goodness, provided me a fast track to perfection. He provided me with two master patience-testers and five trial-presenters. All for me to have plenty of patience practice and much joy to count, so that one day I may be complete!

Trust Mommy, Trust Jesus

God is working on me ALL the time! Parenting is hard, but I have found out one thing, well-trained and trusting children produce much more joy in between the trials.

Here are the 5 most important things we trained our little ones up with:

1. Sleep training or as I call the "anywhere nap": Our little ones, since 10 months old could be laid down anywhere during naptime to sleep. I would tell them their current behavior, whining, being easily irritated, or clumsiness leading to falling, were symptoms of them being tired and lay them down. Cranky babies are good tools for patience practice, I just kept laying them back down. I didn't have a sleep routine, no I must be rocked, no I must have at least 3 stories, no you must sing me songs until I drift off. Remember, I had instant chaos, five kids, all ages, at once. I couldn't be everywhere at once and when my little ones were tired, they were T I R E D and cranky! They needed the remedy for crankiness, but didn't know what it was. Trust mommy, sleep is the remedy. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
   
             

2. Blanket training or as I call "sit, stay, play": With so much going on and homeschooling the big kids it was often necessary to know where the little ones were and what they were doing. They couldn't be trusted to play quietly alone in their room, they would un-doubtedly be shoving beads up their nose or "washing" their hair with the toilet brush. I would put them on a blanket (for visual boundaries) or just ask them to stay sitting and give them toys to play with. This requires lots of reminders and some patience practicing during rebellion when they want to get up. But loving, consistent boundaries that cannot be crossed or changed create a child willing to just play with toys. Trust mommy, it is safest for you to play here next to me with no worry of getting in harm's way. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
             

3. Hold or stay training or as I say "hold mommy's skirt", "hold the car", "hold the wall". When we are walking and I need to know where two little bodies are but need one or both hands free to carry groceries or what not, I will ask the twins to "hold mommy's skirt. If we are in a parking lot loading or unloading the car I will ask them to "hold the car" while they are waiting so they don't play or wander in front of a car. If checking out at a store and I need my hands to count money or sign something I will ask them to "hold the wall" so I know where they are. Another time I use this one a lot is in the bathroom, when I don't want them making a game of crawling on the floor or licking potties, I will ask them to "hold the wall" at the stall door. Trust mommy, to keep you away from danger you need to stay where I ask you. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
                         

4. Be kind to others training, believe it or not, the golden rule is not innate. Hitting, biting, yelling or taking is not tolerated. Period. If it is over an object (which it mostly is) I will explain that your brother or sister you just hit, bit, or yelled at is much more important than this object. If you cannot value them I will not allow you to value this. They can then choose to apologize to the victim of their outburst and share the object or mommy keeps it. A sorry and a hug are modeled. These are definite patience practice moments as they often involve two or more heated, angry parties. Trust mommy, relationships will always be more important than stuff. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
  

5. Be sweet training, this is when that bad attitude creeps up and bites them leaving them with a fowl mood that is a temper tantrum waiting to happen. If a pouty lip or furrowed brow appears I will explain what I see, what I think that means they are feeling, and maybe even the reason they are feeling that way, if I know. For example, "you have a pouty face, you must be upset, maybe it is because your sister has a toy you want? It is okay to be upset, why don't you go to your room until you are ready to be sweet?" or "you look angry because mommy said no. Mommy gets angry too, please go sit in that spot until you are ready to be sweet." My little ones have never had a knock down, drag out, on the floor temper tantrum because I stop them at the first symptom. As a mom I often have to excuse myself to pray or get my act together before I deal harshly with my children. Even at two they are able to exercise that same self-control, sometimes they are even better at it! Trust mommy, God doesn't want us led by our emotions and tempted to hurt others. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
                                 

All Children, Good or Bad, are Trained

I am told all the time how well-behaved and sweet my kids are. I am always being asked how I do it and have even been accused of having "robotic children". I am just a new mom, only two in mom years, and often find myself crying over daily failures and praying for strength for another day's trials. I am definitely not perfect and do not always practice patience as I should. But my kids are definitely not forced robots, they sin often, but they are being trained during trials to exercise self-control and peace as much as I am practicing putting on joy and patience. We are, together, exercising our trust daily!

God always knows what He is doing, when He gave me 3 older kids that were full of chaos, unruly, untrained, and habituated in sin He really showed me what the verse in proverbs means:

"Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6

This is not just a promise for the well-behaved child, this is a proverb, a statement that shows if you do or act this way then that way is the typical outcome. We were placed with 3 elementary age children that were trained up (all kids are trained whether you want to think yours are or not). They were trained in not being able to trust adults, especially parents, and to reject authority. They were trained to hit, bite, scream, pout, and rebel to get their way. They were trained to only obey if it was their idea to do it and they got a large reward. They were trained to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and blame to achieve their own selfish goals and desires. My older kids were habitually trained to get what they wanted first, to meet their own needs, regardless of any hurt caused around them and this was modeled also by the adults in their life. As proverbs points out once trained they are most likely not to stop that behavior into adulthood. Habits are hard to break! (Click here for previous post about my big kid's behavior struggles)

With lots of re-training needed, and still needed, I vowed to be proactive with my little ones. I wanted them to be habitually trained to think of others first, to seek after good instead of evil, to have confidence they can self-control their own bodies and to trust authority figures God has sovereignly placed in their life.

 

Again I am NOT perfect, but I trust Jesus and I want all my kids to one day, Lord-willing, also know that trust that lets us safely and comfortably live in the firm boundaries of our loving Father!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone