Best of Facebook: September 2015

9/1/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

I have been admiring all the cute "back to school" photos on my news feed so when we had the opportunity I had to take our own! Our homeschool co-op started back up today. Yay!!!

Once a week 11 families (46 students) meet up at a church 2 blocks from our home. The kids get to divide up into age groups and enjoy their friends (and practice patience to those who are not yet friends) while the moms each teach a 30 min class in History, Geography, Literature, Science, Latin, Bible, Art and Music. Us home bound mamas also get some socializing in which is one key mommy-sanity-saver in my book :)

The kids kept expressing how much they wanted everyone to meet Brittney at least once so I made the decision to keep her home today to attend our co-op with us and meet all our new and old friends. It was a little overwhelming for her as new places always are so I am sure she will be glad to be back at her school tomorrow in her small class of seven.

9/4/15: Click here to see photo of FB:

As the mama of a little boy that melts my heart and causes it to overflow I have been watching all the racial wars in disgust. What if a white man pulls a gun on my son simply because the color of his skin not knowing that my son doesn't see color and loves both his white sister and brown sister fiercely! My son's life matters! What if a black man pulls a gun on me simply because of the color of my skin not knowing that I don't see color and love both my white kids and my brown kids as if they came from my body! My life matters! Fighting on either side of the race war is fighting with the very same weapons you are trying to fight against! Using hate to fight hate crimes is only going to cause more pain and more hate to spread. Try to fight with the only weapon that will conquer, LOVE, because love never fails!

If a white officer treats a person, who happens to be black, wrongly then go to their police station and serve them, pray for them, pray with them, love them. Next time they see a black person your kindness will be what they see, love will conquer hate. If a black person treats a person, who happens to be a white officer, wrongly then go to their black community and serve them, pray for them, pray with them, love them. Next time they see an officer your kindness will be what they see. Love will conquer hate.

We could also all use a lesson in obedience to authority. Citizens need to obey men and women put in uniform for our protection and justice. And people in uniform need to obey God, who is the ultimate authority and will be their judge. God commanded us to love our neighbors as ourselves! Both black and white men and women are our American neighbors so love them and treat them how you would like to be treated!

‪#‎ALLlivesmatter‬ ‪#‎blacklivesmatter‬ ‪#‎whitelivesmatter‬ ‪#‎policelivesmatter‬‪#‎supportblue‬ ‪#‎backtheblue‬

9/7/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

Let me tell you a story, a story of a simple birthday and how we so simply take them for granted. 

About three months ago Brian and I were out on our weekly
Wednesday date night. We ate at Firehouse and were talking and just plain enjoying each other when we overheard a young man who worked there talking to his co-workers. Some of the details in what he was saying sounded strikingly similar to the lives of our children. My interest was pricked but I wasn't going to mosy up the counter and be like, "Hey, I am a stranger, a stranger really good at eavesdropping, can you tell me your life story?" We continued our dinner until this same young man came to our table to take our trays. I gently nudged, "I couldn't help but overhear you talking, did you say 'when you lived at the group home'?"

This young man, let's call him Swag, he very eagerly sat down at our table with us and told us his whole story. He was so open and not ashamed of his past. He told us about life growing up in a boy's group home then aging out of the fostercare system when he was 18 because he was never adopted. In his group home years he struggled with anger and depression but a very faithful counselor helped bring out his God-given potential and helped him look on the bright side of life, showed him what his life could look like. That counselor also served this young man, with no parents, after aging out occurred. She helped him get his first job, took him shopping and celebrated his birthday with him.

Sadness covered his face as he told us she had moved away this year and he missed her greatly, she was like the family he didn't have. He quickly gained his enthusiasm back and continued sharing about his life with us. God very clearly pricked my heart to give this young man our phone number and told him to call whenever he needed some "family time" like at Christmas or Thanksgiving or even a card on his birthday.

We left the restaurant inspired by all this young man had overcome yet still had joy on his face. I turned to Brian, "I wish I had asked him his birthday." To which my husband, with the memory of an elephant, responded, "Babe, he said it when he told us his age, it is coming up on September 7th." I quickly saved the date in my phone calendar because with the memory of Dory the fish I knew it would slide off my radar by the time we got buckled into the car.

Well, today was Swag's birthday, my handy little smart phone reminded me. Because I don't have my mommy act together most of the time I didn't bake him homemade cupcakes but a cake from Publix with "Happy Birthday Swag" sufficed. A balloon bouquet and a card from the Dollar Tree completed our little, simple birthday surprise. The kids were so excited as he lit up with surprise and hugged us over and over and over!

It is surprising the love Jesus can grow in our hearts for a complete stranger so quickly. As our kids grow up and we age we hope to never retire from loving all of God's children. In our future we hope to become family for many young men and women at risk of aging out, no one should have to face this life alone! We love you Swag and wish you the best of birthdays!

9/9/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

Enjoying a late night swim! We are in Orlando attending the DCF Child Protective Summit Conference. We were so blessed to be offered a free scholarship to stay and attend and boy are these country kids cute walking around the Ritz Carlton with their mouths gaping open, "Gee mom, this is sure fancy!" LOL

And we are super looking forward to this Friday when we stand before a judge and make Brittney ours forever!

9/11/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

<3 Introducing Anna Brittney Carroll!!! <3

Severe medical neglect brought her into fostercare 8 years ago but today ADOPTION changed her future forever!!! Adoption isn't second best. Adoption isn't plan B. Adoption is the very heart of God! We adopt because we were adopted!!!

"In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved." Ephesians 1:5-6

9/14/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

This morning a neighbor, who I didn't remember meeting, stopped by and dropped off a bag of sheets and a card signed by several members of our tiny community. The giftcard was overwhelmingly thoughtful and such a blessing of provision for us! They said it was "a thank you for what we bring to the neighborhood" but our neighbors bless us far more than we could ever return! Thank you ladies!

9/16/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

A special treat for six of our kiddos (our Britt is at her school) because this morning they all sat quietly and contentedly by themselves in a busy waiting room while I accompanied Brian during his doctor's appt.

Three weeks ago we found a mass that was very concerning. After two weeks of monitoring by our doctor he wanted to rule out the possibility of cancer so he referred Brian to a specialist. Even though the possibility of cancer has been buzzing in our heads God had given us a sweet peace during that two week wait. Only last night did my anxiety break through causing me to worry what would I do if I lost my rock of a husband. God answered, "you'd have to continue to trust and rely on your rock of a Savior."

Well, the specialist today gave us the news we had been praying to desperately for, the mass is absolutely nothing to worry about! Praise God! This experience has made us all think of our time together much more dear, reminded us to cherish every moment of our short time here and renewed us to live and serve Christ to the fullest with all our being!

9/19/15: Click here to see photo album on FB:

Today was National #TalkLikeAPirateDay so yesterday we spent about 4 hours whipping up some piratey costumes for my seven scallywags, I even made a parrot from old socks, felt and glue. We picked up Pirate Nanny and looted Krispy Kreme of their donut booty. Then we made a few stops and shared the wealth with some heros in our community, the fire department, the police department and, the unsung hero of this family, daddy!

9/24/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

In the never ending drama saga that is our life we recently had a mama cat and three kitties dropped off on our farm. Today we brought them all to our vet for their spay/neuter surgeries before we find them homes or they live out their lives on our 7 acre homestead. Since the big kids are at band class and Britt is at school it was just me and my little helpers picking them up. Maggie and Ty were so excited to not be overshadowed by the big kids, they have their opportunity to show off what big helpers they could be. "Can we carry Cheddar, please mom?" I gave in, went over the importance of walking slow and not dropping the kitty then stepped back to put some trust in my little ones.

We made it halfway through the vet office before an older customer grabbed the cat carrier out of their hands, "I'll help you to the car! At this rate it will take you forever and you don't want them to drop it." I looked down at two defeated little faces. "Yes, you are right, if I allow them to help it will take longer than if I did it myself and there is a small chance that they will drop it." I backed up and grabbed two lollipops off the jar at the front counter, "But my little ones here are such great helpers and they want to show me how big they are! I don't mind it taking longer, we aren't in a rush and they will do a great job, thank you for your offer, but I trust my little helpers to carry the kitty out to the car." Confused she put t he carrier back down and we slowly but surely made it safely out to the car. Two very proud smiles happily ate lollipops on the car ride home.

As I watch these babies grow into big kids before my eyes I have learned I must not keep them from an opportunity to succeed and be praised due to a risk of failure. Time and time again they are ready and able to do far more than what I think they are capable of. They are growing up way too fast! :'(

9/27/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

A memory from one year ago today! "We love our adopted kids best when we choose to love their parents!"

Today we attended a wedding. We sought counsel and over and over were advised not to attend. We were told it wasn't safe. People believed that it would be confusing. Brian and I prayed, as we usually do, that we would be open to God's direction even if it went against all human wisdom (there was a time we received the same negative counsel by well meaning Christians about accepting a 4th, 5th and 6th child into our family).

After seeing the tears stream down her face and the joy she expressed at the sight of the blond 3 year old she gave birth to, God confirmed we had listened well. I am so thankful God grabbed ahold of my heart and led me courageously to attend Maggie's birthmom's wedding. I wasn't condoning her life choices but choosing to show her love and grace regardless of her behavior. God gave an overwhelming peace to my heart that no fear of man could shake. He had also orchestrated perfectly that in Maggie's "too big clothes bin" sat a beautiful flower girl dress that had been given to us when she was only an infant. It was too pretty to pass along before she could use it and when we dug it out it fit perfectly as if it was waiting there just for this moment!

Adoption is a unique journey and at times confusing. This little girl that I have raised and adore was not grown in my body. I will forever share her with another mother. While that thought could consume some with sadness it reminds me that it isn't love being shared as in separated but shared as in combined. My baby girl is loved twice! And when I adopted this little girl, I was not just given a daughter to love, but her mother to love also! We love our adopted kids best when we choose to love their parents!

9/27/15: Click here to see photo on FB:

The mooing outside my window was unrelenting. The cow would not be quiet. Although I have strep and am on quarantine and bedrest I snuck outside, "What Buttercream?" I asked as I pet the top of her head. "MOO!" She bellowed. I went into to fence and began massaging her head, neck and back. I had missed being outside at all yesterday due to my sickness and somebody wasn't happy about a missed massage. Then a nudge came from behind where three beautiful ponies were letting me know they were there and waiting for their turn. As I continued massaging each pony our herd of goats, Dolly the donkey, our two Pyrenees, 3 cats, our pigs and Bruce the goose were at my feet pushing ahead in line for their turn to be held, pet and loved on.

It was beginning to rain as I finished up loving on each animal. "Mom, get inside you are going to get more sick!" Since I now smelled worse than a wet goat and my pajamas were covered dirt I took a long hot shower. Now I am snuggled up with an awesome book and some hot tea. As for the Buttercream, she is content and quiet.

Thankful for a hubby that can take over when I am sick, but the cow says farmers don't get a day off. ;)

Posted by Shannon

Lesson in Submission and Mommyhood from Fort Rock

 Maybe some of you mamas love to live on the edge and a spontaneous road trip with 6 kids sounds like a dream but when my hubby asked if we could pack the RV for a 4 day getaway in less than 24 hours I know my face showed my lack of enthusiasm. I may have even cringed as my head reeled with packing checklists, on the road meal plans, and all the logistics that came with packing our RV for our family of 8.

Times like this is what tests my submission to my husband. I know some ladies just winced when they read the "s" word but God created us humans as submissive creatures. Jesus submits to the loving, merciful authority of God the Father. Man submits to the loving, merciful authority of Jesus. Woman submits to the loving, merciful authority of man. And child submits to the loving, merciful authority of their parents. There is a mutual submission, all parties are submitting to authority and ultimately to God.

  

(Picture Commentary: Mirabel, Risa and I arrived at camp Fort Rock in Arkansas)
 

When I say the word submission I am not talking about the abusive "woman, get in the kitchen" definition the world teaches us, but God’s loving, serving, self-sacrificing leadership that mutual submission willingly and happily bends to. Submission does not remove a woman’s voice but gives her a safe, protected place to share that voice. Submission chooses gentleness. Do not confuse gentleness with cowardice, timidness or fearfulness. Submission doesn’t say, "I am second class" but says, "I am a mutual heir of Christ, equal to man, but I choose to be a picture of God’s love by laying aside my own will or wants for the benefit of others.

True leadership that we are called to submit to is servant-hood. True leadership willingly takes the burden of making a decision that honors God and puts other’s best interests ahead of their own. Leadership washes feet. Leadership protects, comforts, encourages, builds up and loves so deeply that they would sacrifice all even their own life for the other.

When a man lives out true leadership and a woman chooses to willingly submit to that loving leadership we become a picture of Christ and the church. Together we point to the Maker of true love.

  

(Picture Commentary: We are having fun exploring this rustic, western looking camp)

Okay, rabbit trail, back to the RV packing and last minute road trip. Times like this test my submission to my husband. This man that loves God and wants to serve his family with their best will at heart wanted to surprise us and visit friends. He was able to get the time off, contact several friends that were available, and find local friends to care for our farm. This man wasn’t asking me to do anything sinful, illegal or wrong, just something out of my comfort zone. Although I have flat out put my foot down in the past my hubby graciously gives me more chances to leave my bubble of comfort and stretch my type A planner wings.

  

(Picture Commentary: We played in dress-up and jail and Risa got to do her favorite thing!)

This is what submission looked like in our home this time: "Do you think we can pack the RV quickly and take a 4 day getaway to visit friends?" my sweet hubby asked. I calmed the mini panic attack in my mind, "I love you so much Babe. You know I struggle with anything I don’t have time to plan for. I trust you and see how it could be fun. I will try my best to pack in so little time but can you give me a minute to digest and plan?"

  

(Picture Commentary: This horse ride was the real deal, through the woods and up a mountain!)

Well, let me be the first to tell you that trusting my hubby was SO rewarding! He had, in fact, called some friends in Springdale, AR and Guthrie, OK who gladly invited us over to visit and stay with them. He also surprised us and sent our two oldest girls and I on an amazing mother/daughter retreat at Camp Fort Rock, AR. We had so much fun horseback riding, range shooting, archery, zip-lining and being reminded of the hugely important, yet often taken for granted, job we hold as a mother. On top of all the fun we had enjoying activities and each other’s time together we also were privileged to hear some words of wisdom from a speaker, Nancy Newport, about our relationship with our children. I will try to digest and spit back out some of what was shared with us.

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace. 

What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils? I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." Ecc. 3:1-11

  

(Picture Commentary: We got to do new things like rifle shooting and zip lining!)

In every aspect of parenting there is a season. Ever changing seasons in our lives as mama. We must remember that these little ones, given to us through birth or adoption, are not our own. They are on loan from the Lord. The Lord requires that we teach our children about their Father’s ways:

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deut. 6:5-9

     

(Picture Commentary: Isn't my skirt just awesome! It is a Jeanology brand skirt I found brand new at a local thrift store for just $5.99. It is so comfy and easy to maneuver in. I am in love!)

As the Ecc. 3 verse above continues it tells us the different seasons we may see in our lives and this is also true for us mamas. There will be a time for us to die to ourselves, just as Jesus died to self (His will) to always do the Father’s will. There will be a time for us to plant the Word and a time for us to just pray, pray, pray. There will be a time for us as mamas to kill old habits and use healing words, comfort and touch to begin a fresh start.

     

(Picture Commentary: First time ever picking up a bow and I did pretty well!)

There will be a time to train, train, train our children! Train to listen, to come, to stop, to share, to sit quietly. Teach them "no", respect, authority, chores, accountability. There will come a time that God asks them to do something that doesn’t make sense (like building a large ark and filling it with animals) and we pray they were trained early to listen and obey. Use every moment to teach them the Word. Read, read, read God's Word as you walk in the way. We must be always filling up their hearts with Jesus and teaching in the good times not just as a tool for correction.

   

(Picture Commentary: The camp was a blast and the time with my girls was priceless!)
 

Praise them…LOTS. Be a living example of the gratefulness you want to see in your children. Believe that the weeds they pick for you are more valuable that any amount of money spent on roses! Build memories. Create a family fun night, let your kids plan what you will do on this special night. Work together, if you work hard together then play hard together. Laugh LOTS, don’t let the enemy discourage you. Let your hair down. Be a fun mom.

   

(Picture Commentary: While we were gone the boys got to attend a Razorbacks football game.)
 

There will be a time as our kids grow that we allow them to struggle. They are learning to listen to the Holy Spirit and we don’t want to get in the way. Your kids will hear and see things that you want to guard them against. We live in a lost world and will be around lost people. Help them see people around them from God’s perspective. There is never a time to yell at your kids, yelling says, "I am out of control" and counteracts all we have strived for to teach our children about self-control.

  

(Picture Commentary: After a double date we said our goodbyes and left these sweet friends.)
 

We must take care to not treat our aging children as little ones. They must grow into their own convictions, as mamas we must loosen our grip so they can find who they are. We must cast away our own inconsistencies in our lives. We should pray Scripture over their growing, changing lives. Let your children see your struggles, doubt and lack of faith and let them see you choose to trust the Lord in the mess you are in. When all is done and their wings are grown we will enter a time to just PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.

  

(Picture Commentary: More fellowship on Sunday, visit this awesome family at Grace Family Farm!)

If you are anything like me, once you read this list you will think, "Although this is the desire of my heart, this is not where I am or feel I will ever be. How will I ever live up to this standard and do all that I should as a mom?" I have come to a place that I know I do not have what it takes to raise children after God’s own heart. It is here that I realize I must cry out to Jesus for His perfect power, strength and love to make it through day by day, sometimes minute by minute. He is always faithful to show up and fill me with that same grace and mercy that washed me clean and gave me a new heart over 5 years ago. My prayer is that my mistakes will not hinder my children and I may be an empty vessel used to fiercely love my children and point them to Christ!
 

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone 

When Love Does Not Come Naturally. (A follow-up to "Healing in the Hurt")

I have had so many responses, likes, shares, comments and messages regarding my last post Healing in the Hurt. That post received 1000 views within in the first 24 hours and continues to grow daily. So many women and mothers from all walks of life sharing their hurt, their struggle with anxiety, anger and bitterness. So many women and mothers truly desiring to change their ways and walk in love. I often fall into the pit of being encouraged by someone or something one day then losing that encouragement and falling again into despair as that teaching drifts farther from my mind. Let us commit together to pursue becoming more and more devoted to DAILY putting on Love.

Let us become devoted to being thankful, peace-makers (Col. 3:15).
Let us become devoted to diving into God's Word daily (Col. 3:16).
Let us become devoted to doing all to the glory of God (Col. 3:17).

Scripture tells us we have already received all we need "pertaining to life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3). We have been given the same faith but are in different phases of God's refining process, being made more and more like gold through our sufferings (1 Peter 1:6-7). God knows our weakness and that we will and may continue to struggle with showing love. We have to be taught to love. Jesus, through Paul, tells "older" women to teach and to "encourage the young women to love their husbands and their children" (Titus 2:4).

"There is NO fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is NOT perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

I would like to begin a daily devotional with you on our 5 Kids 6 Months Facebook Page. We will begin to look in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, stopping weekly on each word description, starting first with Love is Patient. Every day each week there will be Scripture references to study and look up what God says love is. I don't liken myself to an "older" woman but I feel led, after several requests, to write and encourage you and study with you. This will require and keep me accountable to staying in the Word! So that we can practice DAILY putting on love, let us examine what love is!

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." Galatians 6:9

Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone 

Question: "Thoughts / Advice on Escalated Stealing?"

A Glimpse into My First Experience

With a baby on my hip, another in the cart, my 8 year old with her arms crossed and pouting, and my 5 year old gleefully (an annoyingly) jumping all around me as I check out at the register I peer over my shoulder for my 9 year old boy. He gets up quickly from the candy shelf, they conveniently put at the check out of so many stores, "I was just looking." I smiled and we left. I survived another shopping trip. So I thought. "What are you eating?" I ask in the car as he moves something around in his mouth.

He was a master thief. Cunning, deceptive, straight-faced, the perfect con artist. I would actually be impressed by it if theft wasn't against the law. Even when he stole something right in front of me and I could say, "I saw you just take such and such, please put it back" he would be able to look me in the eye and deny it, even insist so persistently why he couldn't have possibly stolen it that I found myself wanting to believe him....that is, if I hadn't seen it happen. This same insistence of his innocence would make it all the more difficult when theft was assumed but not able to be proven.

This was the first trial that bombarded me during this intense journey down a very long, hard path labeled "habitual theft"!

Theft is an Outward Deed Pointing to an Internal Heart Issue

Habituated theft that becomes as easy as breathing and the manipulation that follows it to avoid consequences is common in children struggling with attachment issues or RAD.

Stealing: (The child will often show up at home with items that belong to others, with unusual or suspicious stories of how they came to obtain these particular items. School is a very common place to FIND these type of items and the parent and school must work closely to help get this problem under control.) from "The Little Prince-Surviving Life with Reactive Attachment Disorder" blog

Theft, Pointless Theft: Theft is chronic, brazen, cunning, and even nonsensical. A grade-schooler named Charles stole baking powder, something useless to him. They enjoy being sneaky.
Biblical Lens: Many desires motivate theft, including anger. Possession of a forbidden object gives a sense of power over the object and over those from whom it was stolen (Prov. 9:17; 20:17). This is true regarding possession of pets and, in adults, kidnapped people. from the book "Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice"

The following is the teaching that has helped me most; it is from Parenting the Difficult Child by Linda Rice summarized:

 Fear Motivates Desire

When a child fears loss of something like security he also has a driving desire for security and probably other related objectives such as comfort, control, or possessions. In 1 Samuel, Saul's fear of losing his kingdom drove his desire to kill his faithful servant David. Fear of loss and desire for gain fit hand in hand. Since loss has produced a lack of trust in others then gain has to be self-obtained.

Self-sufficiency

Self-sufficiency affirms selfishness. If the child doesn't depend on others, then neither should they expect anything from him. He is free from responsibility to love them. James speaks to the self-sufficiency of his readers when he says, "You lust and do not have; so you commit murder.... You do not have because you do not ask" (James 4:2). Rather than ask God to grant their desires, his readers determined to obtain what they wanted by their own means.

Hardened Conscience

Whether a conscience becomes calloused or good depends upon the direction to which it is trained. Those "trained in greed" (2 Peter 2:14) trained themselves to ignore or shut off the alarms of conscience when tempted with coveting. Training shapes the conscience.

Habituation

Habituation explains how the lifestyle becomes more extreme and fixed. Through training, habituated thoughts and behaviors become second nature. Romans 7:14-23 teaches that the flesh habituated to evil does it automatically. Desires can also be habituated. Peter describes someone who had "a heart trained in greed" (2 Peter 2:14), which means a heart habituated to wanting more and more. Such a person does not think twice about wrongs that he does.

Hope

The fact that the child has a conscience means there is hope. Even a hardened Judas, calloused enough to betray Jesus, still sensed conviction for his betrayal (Matthew 27:3). The commands of Scripture offer hope. Since Colossians 3:12 commands the putting on of compassion, then that is something that can willfully be done. Re-habituation offers hope. Practicing right behaviors can increase sensitivity to moral rightness. Caution must be applied so that putting on good habits is not taught as behavior modification. That is, in addition to actions, habits of heart desires and thoughts are retrained (Hebrews 5:14) and then bear fruit in actions. God's glory is the goal!

Parenting When Behaviors Never Deserve Praise

A Parent's goal is to glorify God, not to get your child to behave.
God's sovereignty is the foundation of parenting and His glory its highest purpose.

Stewards

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is a commission to a stewardship. Children belong to the Lord. He gives them temporarily to parents to train for His kingdom (Psalm 127:3). This stewardship is a great privilege. You and I, sinful people, are granted participation with God the perfect Creator in the wonderful work of shaping another little sinful person to love Him.

Responsibility

Very simply, we parents are responsible to love God and teach His Word diligently to our children (Deut. 6:7-9). We are responsible to train our children. We must command their obedience and discipline their disobedience (Proverbs 6:20; 13:24; 19:18; 23:13-14). We are responsible to "not provoke our children to anger" (Ephesians 6:4). "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Parents are NOT responsible for a child's response. The Deuteronomy 6 commission says nothing about children's responses, only about parents' obedience.

Compassion

Colossians 3:8-13 says to lay aside anger, malice, and the like. In their place, "put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Compassion is an essential ingredient to mix into the parenting recipe. Compassion prevents a hardening of heart. Someone who approaches with humility, kindness, and patience is not provoking fear and anger (Ephesians 6:4), but is encouraging a sense of safety. Compassion encourages hope. Compassion is NOT permissiveness or blindness. It does not excuse or ignore sin, but truthfully identifies it for correction. Compassion drives discipline. Be immovable about consistent discipline because you love that child too much not to be. Develop compassion by watching Christ. Read the Gospels and watch Jesus teach the ignorant, reason with the stubborn, forgive the repentant, and warn the unrepentant.

 

Patience

Patience is important because the task that you will ask of your child is daunting. For the child to turn to God he must turn from the only thing he trusts--himself. He has to come out of hiding and abandon his refuge, the habits that make him feel safe. Self-preservation is hard to give up. Letting others be in control is frightening. The moment he tries, he feels vulnerable, confused, even terrified. The old ways entice him back because they are easier. Because changing habits is so difficult, you need to view change as a baby-step by baby-step process, strewn with failures.

 

Perseverance

Perseverance is needed when seeming failures and futility strike. You may do everything right, yet your child is implacable. What a challenge parenting is! No wonder God says, "You shall teach them diligently" (Deut. 6:7). God calls parents to persistence. Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary." Perseverance requires self-discipline. Be consistent; be persistent. At times, you may think that you have no more love to give. Do not believe your feelings. Love is not a feeling, but an action; a matter not of having but of doing (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

 

Hope

Willfully trust in God's sovereignty, wisdom, and goodness. The composition of your family is not an accident. This child is a gift from God for the spiritual welfare of the whole family, that you all might be drawn to Him. You trials also are a gift that God intends for your good (James 1:2-3). Godly hope pursues truth and compassion and trusts God with the results.

Practical Steps That Structured Our Home

I have sinned while parenting. I have wanted to give up. I have parented correctly with no behavior results. I have parented wrongfully with behavior results. I have been on a journey of being the parent God wants me to be and leaving the child's behavior in God's hands. I wish I had read, studied and applied the truths written above in the beginning of my journey. Oh, Linda Rice, why did you not write this book sooner! Buy the book here!

Our success in this area have come with VERY consistent structure. So consistent that the structure and diligence has been habituated in my parenting. Even when not needed providing boundaries and checking them comes as naturally as breathing. I have learned and had much practice in just simply and plainly calling out sin in truth and issuing an already established consequence. Instead of yelling and huffing and puffing about "did you steal this?", "how could you?", "I know you did, don't lie!", "why do you keep doing this?", I can calmly point out, "I found a stolen item, this item is evidence of theft." No argument needed. Consequences may change as the sin progresses but there is always a foreknowledge that a consequence will come if theft continues. Here are some consequences specifically for theft that we personally followed through on:

Pay Back Seven Fold

"Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy himself when he is hungry; But when he is found, he must repay sevenfold; He must give all the substance of his house" (Proverbs 6:30-31). When one of our children stole a bag of chips from the teacher's lunchbag in her desk, that child was then responsible to save up money to buy her 7 bags of chips.

Provide No Excuse

The main thing our children took was food. Mostly from the cabinets at home, but sometimes at school and public stores. We wanted them to know that we understand their need to feel fed due to their past. Although food was not allowed in their rooms, a hungry child could always come to the dining table where two choices of healthy snack or crackers were kept for midnight cravings. At our house these snacks were NEVER eaten or even opened. However evidence was constantly found in the sweets cabinet. Sprinkles or reward M&Ms would be strewn all over the kitchen, all baking ingredients eventually went missing, new peanut butter jars continued to be empty, and any candy gone.

 

Desire Received

After MANY previous instances with one child they were told you will receive what you want if you would only ask. Often a child with attachment issues will REFUSE to verbally ask for help or request a want. The child will obtain what he wants by his own way. That child stole an entire bag of baking chocolate chips and ate a handful before evidence was found. It was explained that we would have loved to give that child what they wanted if only they would ask. Stealing is making your desire known. So instead of enjoying the nutritious meal we were eating for dinner this child was served their choice of food -- chocolate chips. Believe it or not the child never stole food again and began asking for a treat when they felt a craving for something sweet.

 

Protect Others' Belongings

We had a few stolen items (non-food) found and began doing pocket and backpack checks often throughout the day. Any items would be returned quickly before they were hidden in child's room. Eventually the pocket checks became burdensome and the child was told the next item found will result in loss of pocket privileges. Well, that item was a yo-yo I found in the dryer that was not bought or gifted to the child. That instance required no words, just scissors and all the pants in the child's closet. This did not cure the heart that wanted to steal but did provide me some temporary relief of pocket checks.
Eventually those pants were out-grown and larger-sized pants with pockets replaced. The child was warned if these new pockets were used for theft they would have the responsibility to sew every single pocket shut so I wouldn't have to cut them again (I felt really bad when donating the previous pocket-less pants and the unsuspecting new owners would be denied pocket privileges). Unfortunately it is hard to break old habits and when desire tempted theft won. That week was homeschool sewing class. All pockets were to be sewn up properly by Friday if child wanted to participate in Friday Family Movie Night. Pockets are a privilege.

Keep Honest Children Honest

Although we have alarms on our children's doors for different reasons (runaways, destruction of property overnight, preventing any sexual sin they may have been exposed to, etc.) they did come in handy in keeping honest kids honest. If you come out of your room at night just to pee, when I am awakened by the alarm and standing in the hallway to see you coming out of the bathroom, instead of snooping in the pantry, I can praise you for being honest. The alarms were not a discipline but a sin deterrent and a help to us parents to stay consistent in our re-training.

Oh, dear parent, my heart yearns to give you a one-size-fits-all fix. A bandage to take away all hurt, fear, and anger that grows fruit of theft, deceit, and manipulation. But there is hope! With Jesus there is always hope. You will not always handle to situation correctly, free from fleshly anger. You will sin as your child sins. But we find forgiveness, and because we are forgiven, we forgive. Dwell on the good, correct the bad, stay consistent, hold firm, persevere in love and have fun with them while they are still kids!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone

I Love the Terrible-Twos!

When I started this journey into parenting I remember distinctly thinking that since I was being licensed to foster older children (up to 12 years old) there was no way I would get placed with infants or toddlers, plus everyone else wanted the younger ones. And that was perfect! Babies were too needy. Two year olds scared me. I wanted already potty-trained. But then came not one, but TWO needy infants, soon to be two scary, potty-training two-year-olds.

"NOOOOOOO!!!! NOT 2 TWO-YEAR OLDS!!!

I do believe God blessed me with the exact children He wanted me to have. The exact children to establish, stretch and grow my love, joy, peace, patience, kindness gentleness and self-control. He didn't give me perfect, regenerate, naturally-obedient children. He gave me little sinners always in need of gentle correction or training and loving patience ("definition of patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset."). I always have to remind myself that it is only in the trials that I can practice patience (it does NOT come naturally), and oh boy, do they give me plenty of opportunity to practice!

I have realized that this parenting journey is primarily God working on ME! NOT God using me to work on my kids. Although He does use us parents, if I am worried only about letting God transform MY HEART more and more into the likeness of Christ then reaching my children's hearts comes naturally. If I am focused on obeying Jesus' commands in Scripture then teaching my children to obey comes naturally. If I am taking time daily to soak in the love and grace of Jesus then graciously loving my children flows naturally.

My two-year-olds are not terrible because of age, they are just little trouble-presenters to see if I am going to act terrible. They are my little patience-testers (again, patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset).

And God gave me TWO two-year-olds (plus 3 big kids)! He must have known I had very little patience to start with and wanted to grow it real quick with so many little patience testers constantly presenting trials. Remember, the definition of patience requires us only to not get angry or upset during troubles or suffering but Jesus in the book of James steps that goal up when He says,

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4


My God wants me to be perfect and complete, lacking nothing! Doesn't that sound amazing!?! To be lacking nothing!?! To be perfect!?! But we have to count all our trials joy? And develop such a tremendous amount of patience to reach this goal? But my God, in His goodness, provided me a fast track to perfection. He provided me with two master patience-testers and five trial-presenters. All for me to have plenty of patience practice and much joy to count, so that one day I may be complete!

Trust Mommy, Trust Jesus

God is working on me ALL the time! Parenting is hard, but I have found out one thing, well-trained and trusting children produce much more joy in between the trials.

Here are the 5 most important things we trained our little ones up with:

1. Sleep training or as I call the "anywhere nap": Our little ones, since 10 months old could be laid down anywhere during naptime to sleep. I would tell them their current behavior, whining, being easily irritated, or clumsiness leading to falling, were symptoms of them being tired and lay them down. Cranky babies are good tools for patience practice, I just kept laying them back down. I didn't have a sleep routine, no I must be rocked, no I must have at least 3 stories, no you must sing me songs until I drift off. Remember, I had instant chaos, five kids, all ages, at once. I couldn't be everywhere at once and when my little ones were tired, they were T I R E D and cranky! They needed the remedy for crankiness, but didn't know what it was. Trust mommy, sleep is the remedy. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
   
             

2. Blanket training or as I call "sit, stay, play": With so much going on and homeschooling the big kids it was often necessary to know where the little ones were and what they were doing. They couldn't be trusted to play quietly alone in their room, they would un-doubtedly be shoving beads up their nose or "washing" their hair with the toilet brush. I would put them on a blanket (for visual boundaries) or just ask them to stay sitting and give them toys to play with. This requires lots of reminders and some patience practicing during rebellion when they want to get up. But loving, consistent boundaries that cannot be crossed or changed create a child willing to just play with toys. Trust mommy, it is safest for you to play here next to me with no worry of getting in harm's way. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
             

3. Hold or stay training or as I say "hold mommy's skirt", "hold the car", "hold the wall". When we are walking and I need to know where two little bodies are but need one or both hands free to carry groceries or what not, I will ask the twins to "hold mommy's skirt. If we are in a parking lot loading or unloading the car I will ask them to "hold the car" while they are waiting so they don't play or wander in front of a car. If checking out at a store and I need my hands to count money or sign something I will ask them to "hold the wall" so I know where they are. Another time I use this one a lot is in the bathroom, when I don't want them making a game of crawling on the floor or licking potties, I will ask them to "hold the wall" at the stall door. Trust mommy, to keep you away from danger you need to stay where I ask you. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
                         

4. Be kind to others training, believe it or not, the golden rule is not innate. Hitting, biting, yelling or taking is not tolerated. Period. If it is over an object (which it mostly is) I will explain that your brother or sister you just hit, bit, or yelled at is much more important than this object. If you cannot value them I will not allow you to value this. They can then choose to apologize to the victim of their outburst and share the object or mommy keeps it. A sorry and a hug are modeled. These are definite patience practice moments as they often involve two or more heated, angry parties. Trust mommy, relationships will always be more important than stuff. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
  

5. Be sweet training, this is when that bad attitude creeps up and bites them leaving them with a fowl mood that is a temper tantrum waiting to happen. If a pouty lip or furrowed brow appears I will explain what I see, what I think that means they are feeling, and maybe even the reason they are feeling that way, if I know. For example, "you have a pouty face, you must be upset, maybe it is because your sister has a toy you want? It is okay to be upset, why don't you go to your room until you are ready to be sweet?" or "you look angry because mommy said no. Mommy gets angry too, please go sit in that spot until you are ready to be sweet." My little ones have never had a knock down, drag out, on the floor temper tantrum because I stop them at the first symptom. As a mom I often have to excuse myself to pray or get my act together before I deal harshly with my children. Even at two they are able to exercise that same self-control, sometimes they are even better at it! Trust mommy, God doesn't want us led by our emotions and tempted to hurt others. Maybe one day, if you can learn to trust mommy, you can trust Jesus.
                                 

All Children, Good or Bad, are Trained

I am told all the time how well-behaved and sweet my kids are. I am always being asked how I do it and have even been accused of having "robotic children". I am just a new mom, only two in mom years, and often find myself crying over daily failures and praying for strength for another day's trials. I am definitely not perfect and do not always practice patience as I should. But my kids are definitely not forced robots, they sin often, but they are being trained during trials to exercise self-control and peace as much as I am practicing putting on joy and patience. We are, together, exercising our trust daily!

God always knows what He is doing, when He gave me 3 older kids that were full of chaos, unruly, untrained, and habituated in sin He really showed me what the verse in proverbs means:

"Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6

This is not just a promise for the well-behaved child, this is a proverb, a statement that shows if you do or act this way then that way is the typical outcome. We were placed with 3 elementary age children that were trained up (all kids are trained whether you want to think yours are or not). They were trained in not being able to trust adults, especially parents, and to reject authority. They were trained to hit, bite, scream, pout, and rebel to get their way. They were trained to only obey if it was their idea to do it and they got a large reward. They were trained to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and blame to achieve their own selfish goals and desires. My older kids were habitually trained to get what they wanted first, to meet their own needs, regardless of any hurt caused around them and this was modeled also by the adults in their life. As proverbs points out once trained they are most likely not to stop that behavior into adulthood. Habits are hard to break! (Click here for previous post about my big kid's behavior struggles)

With lots of re-training needed, and still needed, I vowed to be proactive with my little ones. I wanted them to be habitually trained to think of others first, to seek after good instead of evil, to have confidence they can self-control their own bodies and to trust authority figures God has sovereignly placed in their life.

 

Again I am NOT perfect, but I trust Jesus and I want all my kids to one day, Lord-willing, also know that trust that lets us safely and comfortably live in the firm boundaries of our loving Father!


Posted by Shannon
Soli Deo gloria - Glory to God alone